Sincerely, Me

Dear Ex-Husband,

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I wish you could see how guilty I feel, how I still lay awake crying at night, unable to sleep, because I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. How I hurt you.

It’s been over a year now since I cheated on you, but I can still see the way you crumpled against the edge of the bed when you found out. I can still hear your sobs.

I tried to justify my actions, to find reasons why it was at least a little bit your fault. And sure, we’d been having serious problems for a long time, but I never should’ve tried to unload the blame on anyone else but myself. What I did, the way I hurt you: it was 100% my fault.

You were a truly good husband. You loved me dearly - I know it. And how did I repay that love? The deepest betrayal. Instead of facing our issues and working through them, I gave up on us and looked elsewhere for companionship.

And instead of giving up on me, you tried your best to help me. You could see how badly I was spiraling out of control and into despair. You knew what a dangerous guy the “other guy” was, and when you found out where he lived you actually drove there to pick me up and try to help me...and I pushed you away. How could I be so cruel? How could I continually go back to this other guy when I had such a loving, caring husband at home?

I’m so sorry for all the nights I left you alone at home, worried sick because you knew I was at his house and you knew he had drugs and a gun and I was too drunk to be thinking clearly.

I’m sorry I didn’t let you help me.

I’m sorry for destroying our decade-long relationship.

And I’m sorry for running away in shame and begging for a divorce instead of staying and helping to rebuild the broken pieces of our lives. I left my wedding ring and all the other jewelry you’d given me through the years on our kitchen table because it didn’t feel right taking it all with me... I wanted you to have it. But I can see now how badly that must’ve hurt - on top of everything else I’d already done.

I’ll never forget how you looked at me that morning before you went to work, knowing I was packing and would be gone before you got home. It didn’t really bother me then because I was so desperate to get away from you (and my shame), but looking back - it kills me. Your face, the hurt, the brokenness, the confusion, the loneliness. The despair.

I don’t know what happened to us. I don’t know how we drifted so far apart and became so unhappy with each other. I wish I could go back and change so many things. I wish I could love you better. I wish I would’ve chosen to work on us, to remain loyal to you despite our difficulties. I would give anything (literally, anything) to be able to undo the hurt I’ve caused you, because the truth is: I really love you. I truly love you with all my heart, and I always will. It’s not the flaming fire of a new or passionate love, but it’s the deep love of a friendship built over many years and many memories.

More than anything, I want you to be happy. I know you’ve found someone new, and I’m truly glad for that. I hope she can give you the love you deserve. And I will never call or text you to tell you these things (even though I so desperately want to), because I don’t want to interrupt your new life. I don’t want you to ever think of me again. I want you to be able to move on.

I can’t apologize to you, and even if I could it would never be enough. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and vow to never, ever hurt anyone again the way I hurt you. I will be better than I was.