Should love be earned?

My whole life, love had to be earned!

I grew up in a strict household and learned from an early age the crucial point of filial piety: my obedience matters way more than my opinions. If I didn’t obey, affection was withheld, or worse, I was punished.

The silent treatment was a method my mom deployed pretty frequently. If I didn’t do my homework correctly, besides being punished physically, in the days to weeks after the incident, I would become invisible in her eyes. No words, no acknowledgement of my sheer existence, she pretended I didn’t exist. For some reason, that treatment felt way worse than the physical pain on my skin. I would spiral into a whole episode of self-blame & self hatred and I vowed I would do anything in my power to earn back the love and affections that was taken away from me. I wanted to prove that I deserve my mother's love.

Years passed by and I grew up, moved out of the house. At 27 years old, I found myself getting into relationship after relationship that recreate the exact same dynamic of love that I grew up in. Subconsciously, I had learned to love and be loved the exact same way I was taught growing up: the love that is full of chaos, full of heated fights, of tears, of heartache. To me, love was pain and pain only, and it was something I felt I had earned.

”I won’t give you a hug unless you do XYZ”

”I won’t go on a trip with you unless you behave like ABC”

I didn’t realize until recently that the relationships I found myself in were toxic. I was trying so hard to win over their love, overcompensating to prove that I deserve that love. I want to prove that I deserve the fragile love that could be taken at every second when I mess up. I fear upsetting that person, so I quiet the voice inside of me and listen to everybody else’s. I erase my self-esteem, desperate to measure my self worth by others’ affection.

You know what’s worse?

I gave myself the same treatment. I make myself work harder than I should have to in order to feel deserving. I deprive myself of the self-love that I rarely dispense in the first place. I held up that self-love as a reward until I become better, as I told myself.

”I will love myself when I am 5 pounds lighter”

”I need to get a promotion before I can celebrate myself”

Even for myself, love needs to be earned!

It took me 27 years to learn that….

Love is kind

Love isn’t derived from fear and power

Love comes with no threats or manipulation

Love isn’t transactional

Love shouldn’t be “I will love you unless….”

Love isn’t control

Love isn’t blame

Love is a choice

Love is unconditional

And genuine love should not be earned!