Sense of Wonder

I never really questioned my existence. Days have dates, and time holds my fate. Wake up to follow a routine I feel comfortable with, and wait for the day to end to return to my cave. Leaving blue footprints with every step I take, cast into a shell to protect what’s left of myself. Can’t turned back the the memories that shapes the person I am today, but the present turns the pain into a reminder we’re not all the same. A walk of shame, or fame to recognize the name I’ve been given on this earth.

18 days before summers Solstice, the sun is rising beyond the Horizon. Birds sing songs flying above the roads. The air flows through town, making noises between corridors. Wombs echoes the blessings from the Universe, new wonders are blooming. 5 years before there’s no more flowers in the gardens, and a new generation is born on fire. Pedals are forming beautiful shields, gentle touch when you run your hands through the field. Spreading across countries, learning new environments. A mile away I go, a garden full of wonders play by the fence singing song until the sound of the bell. An ordinary day, yet the sky seems brighter with the new fragrance in the air. A glance at her, marvelous fawn sitting next to me. Time stopped to stare, a second burst into an eternal moment. Caught in the blue spirals of her Milky Ways. Pulling me into the unknown, yet feels like home. Making empty vases fall to the ground with no sound, one by one smashing at the speed of light. A spark of colors with each crack, creating a supernova inside my mind. Sense of wonder flows through my veins with the beat of her heart. Walking home holding hands.

Years sealed the sense of touch. Burning the passion of love, and leaving a void. There’s nothing left, but scars on my mind. The empty vases are filled with sorrow of what awaits tomorrow. Diving into the past to numb the circumstances of life. The joy that was in my soul has left a bitter touch for leaving out the door. A world full of confusion, and delusions.

People ask me where I’m from, I’m not the typical profile to label up front. Leaves them with a sense of frustration to know. Before, it was easy to say what’s my DNA, but now I hold my tongue. For I don’t truly know, I don’t recognize it anymore. I’ve traveled so far from my birth home, learning the cultures of other places instead. I’ve come across people that share the same place, but get a sense that I don’t belong with them. For not knowing the ways of my ancestors, and teach them to future generations. There’s no one to blame, I was meant to go in a different path to find who I’m meant to be.

A sense of wonder still remains today, am I just a lesbian or something else. So many labels to make everything make sense, or we loose our heads. Entitle to give an opinion about the way I feel inside my flesh, and demand a change upon my natural state. Only to oppress emotions, and please the beliefs they carry. Raised by ancient ways, to summit to a higher power or I will burn in flames. No choices to make, but follow the path you’ve been taught. Anger was at the top of my mind, why was I condemn to something horrible for feeling something beautiful inside my chest. A glance at her, was the purest feeling to hold onto for just a second. If it was love at first sight, and nothing else matter but us holding hands. A child learning to know what it feels to call someone home, and set a journey into the unknown.

Feeling shame for experiencing love, and bonding with the same sex is what they put in my mind. Being just a mistake, wishing a miracle upon my flesh.

Opening a book people think I’m scared of. Seeking comfort for being this way, and reproach the teachings of the elders.

But the one thing I was always running away from, was calling me home. It was the missing piece to my suffering, covered by the blanket of colors I left along the way. Leaving a rainbow with every step I take. For a sense of peace that surpasses all understanding flows though my veins, for no one has seen the begging and the end.