Self-sabotaging Relationship Habits We All Need To Quit

When our relationship implodes, we only have one person to blame. Well, two really. 

Your (ex)partner and you.

Deep down, we know it's our own fault. Yet, we rarely want to admit this, especially when we have the entire world telling us our relationship is a failure, anyway. That's just adding salt to the ailing wound.

But there is no one else to blame in this scenario. And at some time during our relationship, we sabotaged our relationship to the point of no return.

When I think about the word sabotage, I envisage the time I felt the first sting of infidelity. That was my first boyfriend.

Then I imagine being the cheater. That was my second boyfriend. And then I think about all the times a guy claimed to like me but then stood me up.

Too many to count.

That's not sabotaging, though. That's taking a sledgehammer to the relationship and demolishing it into little pieces. It's not a constant campaign of errors. It's one almighty hit.

The sabotaging we do in relationships? Well, that's more subtle and perpetual. And we all do it, even if we don't know it.

Your "ability" to read between the lines

We often think we're pretty good at reading a situation based on body language, expressions, and our perception of the situation.

We see things that aren't there. We convince ourselves we know what is happening.

It's understandable why we think we can do this.

We've been very well trained by Hollywood, the media and romantic fiction about false narratives. The press tells a photo of a scowling celebrity means they are still grieving their failed relationship from over a year ago.

We're told how to interpret a photo of a politician with his mouth open; he's angry and yelling at someone. 

In reality, he's mid-yawn, and this picture is the perfect example of impeccable photographer timing.

On social media, we make up assumptions all the time. Our favourite YouTuber didn't post on Monday and they always post on Monday, it must be because they've been caught in another drama scandal.

Talk about jumping to conclusions.

We apply this training to our everyday life. When our loved one doesn't respond to our text message, we assume it's because they're angry at us. In reality, their phone died, and it has nothing to do with us.

Here are ways to avoid making assumptions by reading between the lines:

• Concentrate on facts - What have you seen with your own eyes, what has the person said to you, taking the person at literal face value.
• Question facts - If you think something they have done is open to interpretation, ask for clarification. Avoid assumptions and opt for communication.
• Ground yourself - Your romantic relationship isn't any different to any other. You wouldn't assume at work where the repercussions are dire, so don't assume here.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes - You wouldn't like wild assumptions made about you, so don't make them about the person you love.

Your "ability" to read minds (and believe it too)

For all the certified mind readers, this isn't for you. I'm yet to meet one of those, by the way.

For everyone else, you don't have a gift of mind reading.

We may joke that we do. We may even feel like we do, especially in situations when we get it right. But we get it wrong so many more times than we get it right.

And every time we get it wrong, we chip away a little more of the bonds that hold a relationship together.

You walk a fine line with mind reading. It can pay off for you, sure. When you buy that watch your husband has been eying off, it seems like you're a master mind reader.

When you get it wrong, and you read your partner's mind the wrong way, it really doesn't pay off. You frustrate your partner, make them feel like they've done something they haven't, and you can rob them of their voice.

Here are ways to avoid reading your partner's mind:

• Say it with me: I am not a mind reader. Now repeat.
• Listen to what your partner is saying - Exercise decision-making based on the words they use and avoid connecting with any assumed tone.
• Ask them what they're thinking - If you feel yourself starting the assuming process, open up the lines of communication. Ask them what they're thinking.
• Talk to your partner about your assumptions - Tell them if you're assuming something about their behaviour and get their involvement in the clarification. This will help them understand how their behaviour can come across and become misinterpreted.

The "productive" process of keeping your feelings inside

A friend of mine recently up and left his wife. No explanation. There were no impending arguments between them. All seemed well.

She was naturally shocked and felt blindsided by the entire event. She demanded he say what was going on, which he obliged her. But it was all too late for him. The damage was done between them and he wanted to move on.

"How was I to know?" The poor woman. She was never to know. Her husband believed it was normal to keep his concerns about the relationship privately to himself.

Yet, as all situations like this fester and grow, suddenly they explode.

She found herself wondering how she missed what was happening with her husband. In reality, she could have never known. He became better, as the days passed, at hiding it.

Keeping your feelings inside is one of those deadly sabotage manoeuvres. It builds up silently whilst the other person has no idea what is happening. It can turn into that sledgehammer I mentioned earlier.

Here's how to work on talking about your feelings:

• Schedule time to talk with your partner - It's like anything in life. Put it in your diary, make time for it, and it will more likely happen.
• Take baby steps - You don't have to have therapy sessions with your partner. Five-minute chats here and there, every bit you do counts.
• Remember, your partner isn't a mind reader - We know we aren't ones, but we have to accept how challenging it must be for them too.
• Things aren't going to change if you don't talk - Your anger and frustration towards your partner won't go away without communication. It's a hard reality to adjust to, but an important one if you want to be in it for the long haul. Come to the realisation your inaction is just as damaging as action.

Voicing your anger to other people before your partner

A good friend of mine said this fabulous piece of wisdom to me the other day.

"If I don't tell anyone anything about my relationship that wife doesn't already know."

If he feels annoyed with his wife, he tells her first. He doesn't find the closest friend and vents his frustration at them. He doesn't hold on to gripes and offloads them behind his wife's back.

She is his partner, and she gets the privilege of having the first discussion. Genius.

My friend knows what it's like for it to go the other way. Most of us do. We hear from second-hand sources that our partner feels annoyed at us, or we did something wrong.

Or, more commonly, they decide to vent their anger about us in front of an audience. An argument in the middle of a dinner party is the perfect example. Cliched but we've all been there, as victims or witnesses.

The occasions when you use the public forum to sort out your problems only reinforce you are not a team.

On top, it shows your other half you don't have the respect for them to speak about your problems in private first.

Here are ways to avoid public confrontations:

• Write down the issue - Instead of letting the words mindlessly leave your lips, jot them down on your phone or in a notebook. Come back to the issue when out of the public forum.
• Shut down conversations with your friends - Sometimes a friend might come to you first before you get to speak to your partner. Don't entertain the conversation. Remember who deserves the right to speak first, and stick to that order.
• Take the matter outside - If the situation can't wait, remove you and your partner away from public viewing. It can help you to cool down and sort out the problem before it grows.

Self-sabotage is normal

We're not perfect human beings with equally perfect relationship skills. 

Getting the dynamics between two people wrong is a spoiler about life, along with death and taxes.

Don't beat yourself up for being human and making mistakes. But don't keep making the same mistakes, the ones you could avoid if you only learned from the past.

Find the balance that works for your relationship.