Self Love

Relationships are life journeys. Some journeys are life long, some short lived, and some in between. They are blessings or lessons. Sometimes they are fulfilling. Sometimes they are unhealthy. And sometimes they leave you tangled in a roller coaster of confusion. I'm sure most people have experienced one or the other or all of the above. I know I have.

I learned to journal my feelings, whether it was in the heat of a moment, or a thought I was trying to process, or a weight on my shoulders. I am not a confrontational person, so journaling my feelings and thoughts helped pacify my constantly running brain at times. And other times, it helped give me the courage to speak up. Communication is very important.

The other day, I was looking back through some journaling I did on my phone, that I created over the last couple years. They are from my most recent relationship; which by the way, I can admit I am still riding the roller coaster of confusion, even though we have been officially broken up for over 8 months. I read my words and the tears flow all over again. The emotions are still as fresh today as they were then: sadness, confusion, disappointment; but on the other side of that is a reflection of the happiness from the memories and the appreciativeness of the moments shared. But, the hole in my heart remains; which is foolish, because all of that said, there are so many reasons that the relationship was unhealthy. I lost my self. I lost my self love. I gave a lot more than was reciprocated. I experienced some things that I never thought I would subject myself or my children to. The toxicity and imbalance was creating underlying anxiety. I lost relationships and respect from family and friends and I couldn't even see what was right in front of my face; this is very common when you love someone. Hence the saying "Love is blind." I relate to that concept whole heartedly, as I am sure a lot of you do as well.

Yes, I still love him. I always will. Most would say they don't understand why. Even I can't answer that question. My heart feels wired to love him, unconditionally. That is my only explanation I can derive for you.

I share that tiny insight to my life because this time alone the last several months has given me a lot of time to reflect. I decided to reflect and be thankful for the good memories made, and move past the bad ones. I decided to love myself again. I have always been the person to give and give and give. I am this way because I have very giving parents, was the oldest of 8 children and now a Mom to 3 daughters. Giving and nurturing is in my nature. I can't help it. But I have learned the hard way that you can't give 80% and the other person only give 20%. This does not work in the long run. This applies to any relationship, but very important. Each person should give 100%.

The summery: Life is what you make it. Loving yourself has to be your #1 goal. You can't love anyone else completely until you love yourself first. Finding myself again has been empowering on so many levels. I hope those of you that relate to my story or feelings, will also find the power to love yourself first. Always remember you are worth it!