Self Identity

The universe must have made a mistake.

High-school-Erin was quiet. Her comfort zone was introversion around most people outside of her very small circle of friends. More like one or two actual friends, and the rest just friendly classmates that became frequent acquaintances. She blended in and liked to keep it that way. Soft-spoken with an invisible label of "sheltered Christian girl" that everyone knew was there, but no one talked about. An observant empath who did a lot of listening and not a lot of speaking. She had her occasional, textbook crushes on boys that filtered in and out of her semesters, loved going to youth group and spent 90% of her life wearing her hair in a ponytail. Like any other girl, she had her typical, recurring bouts with her struggling self-esteem, but she was also blessed with the attribute of resilience woven into her spirit. She would describe herself as uninteresting, pleasant, unpopular and perfectly content remaining in those exact conditions. So why, 7 years later, at her grown age of 25, was she staring at the spinning ceiling fan, contemplating canceling this date with her high-school-polar-opposite? How did this moment in time come to develop? It felt like an error. It was uncomfortably unfamiliar, like she woke up in some other girl's life and now she doesn't know the passwords to anything.

High-school-Cam was known by every student and every teacher. He partied most weekends and underage-drank with his fellow popular friends from school. He always got the biggest laughs in all the skits the theatre class put on for the school, using his charming dry sense of humor and impressive improvisational skills. He drove his own car, was late to class a lot, and still managed to be almost every teacher's "favorite" because of the witty energy he brought to their class and his, nevertheless, remarkably good grades. He stood at a higher rank in a much larger group of friends with the same, widely-known social status of 'well-liked by many, talkative and over-confident.' Swear words were common in their daily vocabulary. They'd probably all been attracted to each other at one point or another, because they were all good-looking and they knew it. It was "that group" of guys and girls who all went to games together decked out in the spirit colors, front row of the bleachers loud and proud, and pictured in more pages of the yearbooks than any of the other students.

Cam was decently attractive, a kid at heart and maybe a little reckless at times, but there was one thing Erin had always seen in him that set him apart from his friends. Despite some of the stereotypical "cool kid" behaviors he'd often display, Cam was kind-hearted. She saw him differently and knew somewhere buried below the surface was a genuine, sweet boy with a sensitive streak. Of course, had she ever shared her thoughts with others, they would say she didn't know what she was talking about, being that she hardly even knew him. But she was right; like a hidden gem, it was there. It was just a little harder to see when his atmosphere was so often polluted by the things and people he sometimes surrounded himself with. Still, Cam was certainly not someone Erin would ever have guessed would reappear in her world after high school.

That was one of Erin's unique hidden qualities- she saw people differently. She'd always had a sort of sixth sense where she was highly perceptive and naturally intuitive. Maybe that was a result of her constant hyper-awareness of every thing and every person around her, and all their details. Really, it could be simply defined by the word 'empath.' It was a blessing and a curse, because she was able to internally access the good, the bad and the ugly in all situations and all people that would walk in and out of her life, Cam being one of them. Like a match made in hell, that quality could only be paired with the involuntary mental function of feeling everything deeply. As one could imagine, feeling all of life's emotions so deeply, as empaths do, has potential for serious emotional damage if one isn't careful. Erin knew the real high-school-Cam, even though their relationship hadn't exceeded beyond simply being friendly classmates who had exchanged only so many words. How was a happenstance of a brief and insignificant reconnection, via social media, the seed that led to him asking her to dinner? She had not prepared for anything like this. No in-depth discussion had taken place between them to indicate that she was any different than she was in high school, or vise versa. How did he know if she wasn't still a boring, average prude, as she presumed she had appeared to him before? How did she know if he wasn't still irresponsible and mixed up with a crowd of bad influences?

She didn't know how, but in her heart of hearts she knew Cam did not have a single bad intension towards anyone, and never has. Especially not towards her. But she feared letting her guard down to let him in, even with 7 years of maturity having been added onto each of their lives since their last interaction. Since high school, life had given Erin experiences of lost trust and the subsequent hurt that followed. As a result, she grew thick skin over the years, and her confidence and independence had truly blossomed. But Erin could not shake an intense awareness that her high school self didn't believe in a version of herself confident enough or "good enough" to ever be asked on a date by this boy, much less any other. It was like a whisper threatening that her now-confidence would remember her then-lack thereof, and she'd lose her grip on the strong woman she'd grown into. The concept that she'd be having dinner with someone she'd always considered "out of her league" in high school was incredibly intimidating, be it as it were that he had been the one to ask her on the date.

The ceiling fan kept spinning as she lie on her bed, still staring, almost in a trance. She had a tendency to sink into deep thought about life and just allow thoughts, ideas and emotional vibrations to surge their energy in and out, almost as though it were happening in a subconscious headspace.

In all of about four gradual, calmly climbing seconds, she surfaced. The 25 year old, confident young woman she had been growing into remembered who she was. Erin promptly and purposefully sat up on her bed. She glanced at the time. She had 2 hours. There was a full-body mirror hanging on the back of her closed closet door. She slid off her bed and walked towards it, almost cautious in nature. Weathered and strong as she knew she was, she also was wise, and knew how to approach her fragile mentality. Standing closely in front of the mirror, she met her eyes, looking into them deeply, as though she were looking through a window at a desired version of herself that was inside and trying to shine through. And all at once, she became her.

Like a coach giving firm, yet gentle words of direction to a player feeling defeated in spirit, her heart spoke to those eyes in the window. And, as a coach is often able to see potential and promise in a player before the player even believes it's there at all, there was a version of herself- the highest version of herself- that held the same promise she had almost began doubting was still there. She shut down that voice of uncertainty threatening her sense of self right there in her bedroom.

"You are not high-school-Erin anymore; you are now a force to be reckoned with. Today is the day, the first day of many more to come, that you will step into that identity and own it, embracing your femininity. Tonight you will go on this date and you will have a good time. You will fight the temptation to over-think. You will put on a red sun dress and carry a light gray cardigan with you in case you get chilly at dinner. You will wash your face, put on a fresh coat of mascara and wear a pretty shade of pink gloss on your lips. You will put soft curls in your hair that will cascade gracefully over your shoulders, and wear 2 layered dainty silver necklaces. You will spray one small spritz of perfume on the back of your neck to make you smell like vanilla and roses, and drive your own car to the restaurant.

You will let him open the door for you, and believe him when he tells you that you look nice. You will order an ice water with lemon and a glass of Merlot with dinner. Be intentional in that moment, because the first sip you take from that glass will signify the beginning; the first day of the rest of your life. You will settle into your new skin as a vividly enhanced version of yourself, believing in who you are, who you've been, and who you are becoming. You will allow yourself to feel, to experience, and to have fun. You are a beautiful, 25 year old woman that is going on a date with a man that you alone had the eyes and the heart to see a little differently than the rest. Believe there is no such thing as a life-error; evidently, he must see something special in you too. You will give not only him a chance, but you will give yourself one."

And she did just that. Two hours later, she found herself sitting in a booth in a dimly-lit, nice restaurant on a date with Cam; one that she had almost canceled. Little did she know, it would be the first of many more to come. She felt beautiful and glowed from the inside out. She confidently ordered herself an ice water with lemon and a glass of Merlot, just as she had coached herself to do hours prior. Five minutes into the date, Cam was already making her laugh, and she knew in those moments that she was right where she needed to be. Just then, the waitress approached and lightly set an empty wine glass down on the table in front of her. She carried a darkly tinted glass bottle in her other hand. The waitress removed the cork, and suddenly Erin saw her life moving in slow motion. She watched a rich, gorgeous shade of deep mahogany curl up and fold over itself within the rounded walls of the glass. It was art; piercingly beautiful. She knew it was almost time for the inner-self she had encountered earlier to exist through more than just that small window, and she hadn't felt more ready for anything in her life.

Erin hadn't yet noticed, but Cam had been looking at her in admiration, smiling subtly. It was almost as though he were studying her as she kindly thanked the waitress, true as ever to the sweetness of her character. She caught his eyes and asked in confusion why he was staring. He didn't seem to have a ready answer. Only, "I hope you don't take this wrong, because I mean this in a good way.. but, you seem like a completely different person than I remember." Her sixth sense auto-activated, as it does, and Erin immediately understood exactly what Cam was talking about. After all, she'd had a moment similar to this of self-realization only about 2 hours prior. She felt a wave of peace settle over her. She smiled softly. "Yes, I am."

She took the untouched glass of Merlot in her hand, feeling just about as bold and as beautiful as the wine itself, and she took a sip.