Secrets Not To Be Kept

“I just can’t get clean! It won’t come off me! Ugh, oh my God, Oh my God!”

Terrence scrubbed and scrubbed but he could never make himself feel clean. He stayed in that shower until the water ran cold and his skin wrinkled like a prune, still he scrubbed. His exterior was clean, raw, but Terrence could never remove the awful stain on his soul. The vomit had all but dissipated down the drain. It took an hour but now every chunk had disappeared. He rinsed his mouth with the shower water, swished it around then spit it out.

He leaned his forearm against the shower wall then rested his forehead on it. Terrence’s body shook as he wept. He was still trying to process how this all happened. Fatigue set in on the young man as he became emotionally drained. Eventually he turned off the shower and stepped out. He looked into the mirror at himself; he was no longer who he thought he was.

Terrence’s identity had been changed against his will; the right to chose was stolen from him and now his life has been forever altered. He sat down on the toilet and thought back to when they first met. It was 2:30 am after a long night of clubbing, drinking and smoking with his cousins and friends.

They all hit the parking lot after the club closed trying to find somebody to hook up with. Terrence got lucky right away when he found a girl leaning on a Honda Accord parked in the back corner of the lot. He stumbled over to make her acquaintance and she was very receptive. After a short conversation she agreed to give him a ride home. Terrence rushed over to let his friends and family know.

“Yo, I just met this chick. She said she gonna give me a ride home. You know I gotta try to get at that. I’ll holla at y’all tomorrow.”

“Alright T be safe. Hit it one time for me.”

Terrence, laughing, gave his cousin some dap then hustled back over to where his new lady friend was parked. He hopped in the coupe and they pulled off. Terrence’s new friend Toya took him home to her house instead of back to his cousins. He was plied with more smoke and alcohol then quickly seduced. Toya used hands, tongue and mouth to bring Terrence great pleasure. Eventually she drew him into her bedroom where they enjoyed full intercourse. Terrence passed out afterwards. After just an hour of slumber he was awakened by Toya.

“I’m sorry to wake you up but I’ve got to get over to my sister’s house. She’s got a situation. I’ll need to drop you off now because I’m not coming back here until tomorrow night. I’m so sorry Baby. I was looking forward laying in your arms and then doing it again before eating breakfast in the morning.”

Toya kissed Terence then hurried him to get dressed. She pulled up in front of his cousin’s house and kissed him passionately before letting him go. Terrence was staggering on cloud nine boasting to his cousins about his conquest. He left Miami the next morning to return to Orlando. He and Toya stayed in touch, calling texting, messaging and chatting everyday for six months. They discussed their dreams, goals, beliefs and ambitions. He couldn’t wait to see her. Terence thought that he was falling in love.

He finally got the chance to make his way back to Miami. Terrence was happy to see his friends and cousins but he needed to see his love Toya again. She suggested they meet after the club the same way they met the first time. Toya said she had to work late so she would call him when she was on her way and meet him outside the club at the same place in the parking lot. Under the cloak of darkness Toya pulled up, turned off her headlights and stepped from her vehicle. The horny boy stood, poised to pounce. She walked into his embraced and kissed him passionately. He returned her kisses thrusting his tongue in her mouth and palming her buttocks with both hands. After getting reacquainted, they jumped in her car and sped off into the night. They arrived at her place, drank a little smoked a little then got physical. Terrence was once again on cloud nine. This time he would stay the whole night and awoke ready top enjoy breakfast with his new love. Over their eggs and bacon Toya looked deep into Terrence’s eyes.

He was surprised that she was dressed and in full make up so early in the morning. She was such a lady… a lady with some confessions to make.

“Baby, I’ve got something to tell you.”

Toya reached across the table and took Terence’s hands in hers. She looked down then back up into his eyes again.

“You love me right?”

Terrence answered without hesitation.

“You know I do girl.”

Toya sighed before continuing on.

“I want us to have a life together.”

Terrence started to get excited; he thought she was going to ask him to move in with her.

“Before we move forward, there is something you need to know about me.”

“What is it Baby?”

After one last sigh she let loose with it.

“Well see the thing is a…”

“What is it?

He was lost.

“I was born a boy.”

“What!”

Terence snatched his hands from Toya’s and stood abruptly knocking his chair over. His elation quickly turned to anger.

“What the hell are you talin’ about?! You’re a man?”

Toya rolled her eyes as if she were annoyed with his question.

“No, I am a woman… in transition.”

“Transition? But we had sex.”

Toya let out a slight chuckle.

“Well honey, there are ways of hiding the sausage. I didn’t want to trick you or anything but this is who I am. I am the woman you love.”

“You’re not a woman! I like girls, not dudes!”

“I am a woman.”

Terence started boiling inside; he couldn't understand how he had sex with a man. He needed some clarification despite already understanding.

“You have a penis!”

“Yea, for now, but not forever.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“There is nothing wrong with me. If you say you love me, you should love me for who I am!”

“I never knew who you were to begin with. You stole my chance to make a choice because you tricked me. I can’t believe this!”

Toya started to get irritated with and Terence’s whining and complaining. She needed to know where he stood.

“So what are you saying, you don’t want to be with me. Baby, we can work this out; just give it a chance.”

Terence got even more angry.

“Are you serious? Hell no! I told you I date women not dudes in dresses.”

“Well damn, I thought we had somethin’!”

“We don’t have nothin’!”

Toya laughed again angering Terence further. She now wanted to antagonize him so she offered another secret to his dismay. She enjoyed telling it to him to torment him for trying to reject her.

“Well since we’re putting all the cards on the table I must tell you, I think I might have HPV.”

“What the hell is that?”

“You know genital warts.”

“What the hell? You gave me a disease?”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Terence rushed to the bathroom to wash his face and look in the mirror suddenly he got sick in the sink. Terence being so repulsed really pissed Toya off.

“What are you being so dramatic for? You better clean all that mess up before you go!”

Terence wiped his mouth, left the water running and staggered into the bedroom where Toya stood. She had her arms folded and head cocked to the side definitely.

“Why would you do all of this to me? You’re a man; you may have infected me with a disease. I have committed homosexual acts with no intention to. I am heterosexual. You had no right to do this to me. You have ruined my life!”

Toya waved her hand at him.

“Whatever, everybody got HPV. You’ll be alright. You need to wear a condom anyway. We had sex on the first night and didn’t use nothin’.”

Toya paused for a second to let that set in on him.

“As far as me being born as a man, I made you feel better than any woman ever has. You need to grow up and stop acting like a punk. You little faggot.”

Her words cut deep at Terence, now for different reasons. Something snapped inside of him. He had an emotional break.

“What did you call me?”

“Oh grow up, I can say it. Oh, and now you can too.”

Just then Terence grabbed a five pound weight off of Toya’s yoga mat and hit her in the head with it several times. After she was down, he slammed the weight into her face over and over again. Three minutes had passed and he was still slamming. When he finished she was unrecognizable and he was winded to the point of panting.

Covered in blood he rushed to the shower, vomited again and scrubbed himself raw. Terence had never been violent before but just lost it at the thought that this person made him something he was not. Now Terence was scared and alone after allowing his emotions to get the best of him. He wished that he’d been more careful, he wished he would have just left when he learned the truth; he wished he’d never met Toya! As Terence sat on the toilet stool crying, he heard the police breach the door of the apartment. Neighbors called the police after hearing the commotion. Even the most hardened officers were left a little queasy by the gory crime scene.

When they entered, Terence lay face down on the floor of the bathroom and put his hands behind his head. He was taken into custody without incident. Irresponsible behavior coupled with dastardly deception left two lives destroyed, an adverse result of secrets not to be kept.