Scorpionic Sea of Change

This is a letter that I came across recently, i.e. this week to an old lover. No better time than mid-scorpio season to clear out the closest, emotional and otherwise and prepare to let the new in. But before I get ahead of myself, theres still some processing to do and here is completely unedited, medicine from and for the heart;

" I don't remember you so well, as you were then, or you now. But I feel no need to. You seem a constant though I may think of you less and less intensely with every passing day. You're slipping, into the past, becoming no more of a memory, sliding, away, from real-life grasp.

I don't worry though. It's ok, cause when we next sit down to break-fast, I like to imagine that we'll still connect. Maybe not as intensely as once upon a time, but still in our own way- enough.

We may feel it not to be enough but in reality as long as we can sit down to coffee and breakie, sit and discuss, sit in our silence, we will be ok. Maybe not "Us" together but us as we are meant to be, doing our own.

I no longer know whether I'm in love with you. I will have to wait and see. Now I feel the answer to be a negative one. But to be honest I've always questioned how long one can stay 'in love'. I don't know, I don't think I believe in being 'in love'. 'Loving', yes, but 'being in', no. So maybe loving alone is enough, maybe not.

Now at such an age it seems not enough, but old and in your fifties or even thirties, loving aught to be enough. Possibly, very possibly not enough for right now. Not enough to follow you.

But one day when I'm well on my path, unlikely to deter, it may be enough to allow one other to intervene and write on mine on theirs.

Our paths, my dear are not the same as much as I wish for it to be. If we're most honest, they are not one. We can keep going, keep pretending, even I am near willing, but eventually we will be forces to acknowledge that which we already know".

These words written, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, mean more than they ever have for me now. Looking back, being able to see with perspective, i see how true my own words were. Never delivered to my lover, written but for me to see, understand and process, they helped me then and they help me today. Help to remind me, that my heart, my intuition, my gut and my honest hidden from the world response often knows exactly what it wants and needs. It shows me that the truth always lies within and that those days that i've missed having a lover, yearned for that solidity of relation again, had nothing to do with that person, but with myself. I was yearning for a lover within, connection within and my love for myself onto myself.

Each time i missed him. It was not him i missed but the 'having a connection', that was the part that i sorely needed and wanted. He fulfilled it for a time being, but in my heart I knew "our paths were not the same".

This is for all you out there, friends and family and those yet unknown. Let go of that relation, don't stay in that relationship, just for security and comfort. Let yourself dream, let yourself dream your dream first, find out you what makes your heart sing and what it is you want to do.

Find out what it is that makes you you, the things, the places, the people that bring you, your joy. And I promise you, in fulfilling that journey, in fulfilling that person that is you, you will find more joy, passion, security, friendship and LOVE than you ever would have, staying in that stable, secure (and maybe boring) relationship.

Love Yourself First and All Will Come From There.

Much Love,

Eva