Saying "Thank You" or "Please" Doesn't Make You a Kind Person

Sometimes a "thank you" might feel like a slap on the face.

When my son was a baby, my mother looked after him quite a lot. I worked at home but had to go to meetings often, so I dropped him at his grandmother's.

When I went back to pick him up, I said: "thank you".

After a few times, my mother said: "don't thank me for looking after my grandchild; it hurts".

I was speechless. I was tempted to say, "What are you talking about? I am telling you that I appreciate your help. I am being kind to you, blah blah."

But some kind of honesty came over me and made me realize that I had a passive-aggressive part of me who thanked my mother out of nastiness.

I did appreciate what she was doing for me. How could I not?

But at the same time, I felt resentment. Sometimes she acted as if she was the real mother of my child. She had raised three grown-ups; she knew everything best. I sometimes felt like an older sister to my own son.

By saying "thank you" I was placing a distance between her and us. I was telling her it wasn't her job. She was an outsider. She felt it and got hurt.

I didn't intend to hurt her. I hadn't even noticed it until she pointed out. But she was right.

I didn't have boundaries. I felt as if she was taking over my role as a mother but instead of bringing it up like an adult and dealing with it in the moment, I developed this artificial distance between us. "Thank you" was a result of this.

I am pretty sure this is a Turkish thing, by the way.

In Turkish culture, we don't use thank you and please that often. It doesn't always come naturally. My kiwi partner noticed the lack of them in our daily conversations and asked me about it. It sounded rude to him.

Some Turks will tell you that when you say "please," you are begging unnecessarily.

I live in New Zealand right now, and I can't imagine any Kiwi I know would react to a "Thank you" the way my mother did.

For me, sometimes these words feel fake.

When you say "please" to someone, you imply that you are kindly asking for something, not obligating. But half the time, this is a lie because you indeed are obligating.

When you yell, "Will you shut the door please!" the word 'please' doesn't make your expression any kinder than it is, nor your "Thank you!" accompanied by your flashing eyes when your order is followed.

I am not saying we should never use these words. I am saying we should really be kind, not pretend to be.

Power play is not kindness.

Most human interactions are in fact exchanges. Sometimes we literally pay someone and expect good service in return. Sometimes we do a favor and later we expect to be reciprocated. We presume that the other person is in debt to us. Sometimes, for some reason, we feel superiority against the other person.

The idea is, when we actually are kind, even if the other person is in debt to us, we come from a place of empathy and equality. When we say 'please', we mean "Can you do this for me? You are not under obligation." And when we say 'thank you', we mean, "You did this for me, I owe you."

However, when we are unkind, we don't care about equality. We come from a place of superiority. And no amount of please's or thank you's will cover this entitlement. In my opinion, these words add to the rudeness of it.

Using polite words is part of being civilized. There is nothing wrong with this. But kindness is more than that. Real kindness is not about pleasantries. It is about respect, integrity, generosity, compassion, consideration, empathy.

Next time you feel like being nice to someone you think is below you, look into your heart and tap into the real source of your kindness. A couple of nice words might not cut it.