Rest Easy

I’m pretty old, dear reader, and it could be said that it has taken an inordinate amount of time for me to embrace some of Life’s Truths, and consequently, begin to live a more peaceful, restful life. To be fair, though, unless you happen to be the Dalai Lama, it seems to take many, many orbits of the sun, gathering and repeating experiences and mistakes along the way, before the message sinks in. And let’s face it, some never get there at all. So in case you’re not the Dalai Lama, I humbly offer the view from where I sit at this point in time, on the eve of a new year.

Firstly, and lastly, and all that’s in between:

Love Yourself

Simply said, but the most difficult of things to genuinely achieve. My conviction is that this underpins every single thing we do in this life, and is fundamental to the peace and restfulness that we all seek. Perhaps needless to say, I don’t mean loving yourself in a narcissistic, vain, unthinking, uncritical way. This is about nurturing yourself; being the loving parent to the perfect babe that you were at birth, throughout your entire life. Assuming that not many of us were parented perfectly, it is up to us to identify the errors, forgive our parents, and then pick up the slack ourselves.

There is a huge amount of work inherent in the previous two sentences. Firstly, you need to accept that you were, indeed, perfect when you were born – if not in body, then in every other way. Everything that happened after that was due to the people and circumstances around you, about which you had no choice or control.

Now that you’re a grown-up, however, you do have a choice: You can choose to identify what you didn’t get, and do your best to make reparations.*

• If you didn’t get physical care, nurture yourself with good food, cleanliness, warmth, exercise, rest, medical attention… to the extent that is possible in your present circumstances.

• If you didn’t receive acceptance, acknowledge yourself as essentially a good being who is merely mortal. As such, recognize your strengths and your achievements, even in the smallest things. Say it out loud to yourself: “You washed those dishes really well”. Forgive yourself for your under-achievements or mistakes. Again, speak to yourself aloud: “You were impatient and unreasonable, but I still love you”.

• If you were not kept safe, treat yourself with the utmost care and respect in everything that you do.

• If you were over-protected, nurture yourself by undertaking challenges beyond your comfort zone. Congratulate yourself for doing so.

• If you didn’t receive affection, give generously to the people you love, and be open to receiving it in return.

In all of these things, be conscious of yourself as the loving, caring parent and give credit to yourself for being so.

* Alternatively, you can choose to not think about it, or to blame others, and become at least an unpleasant person, or at worst, a serial killer. I’m serious – how many serial killers suffered some kind of childhood deprivation?

It’s not easy to overcome the way our parents and others shaped us, but ultimately, the aim is to be at peace with ourselves on a consistent basis; to have a bedrock of acceptance, respect and faith in ourselves each time we venture out into the world. It is with this that I finally feel I’ve had some success, and what it has afforded has been transformative.

Previously, negative encounters caused me to either: spiral into a miasma of self-doubt; or react with a defensive blast of hubris. Most often, the two were felt simultaneously. To have a secure and solid sense of self means that neither of these two reactions is necessary. Instead, one is able to consider the situation more dispassionately, and attempt to assess what is actually going on. It could well be that it has nothing to do with you, and rather, something to do with what is going on in the life of the other person. I can’t emphasize enough how life-changing this single notion can be, so I’ll reiterate: Perhaps it’s not about you; it’s about them. If it is about them, your self-nurturing will hopefully also have taught you compassion for your fellow human being who is, perhaps, floundering in a miserable sea of self-doubt of their own.

Of course, it is possible that you have been responsible for provoking a negative reaction or situation, unintentional as it may have been. A well-anchored and forgiving sense of self enables you to acknowledge wrong-doing without feeling either inwardly shattered, or the victim of outrageous injustice. Further, it allows you to apologize with calmness and sincerity, and to consider it as another contribution to your life learning and development of self.

Allow me to be clear: I am by no means accomplished or faultless in the practice of all of this. I am definitely no Dalai Lama. I am perfectly capable of the most unenlightened responses when my buttons are pressed. Nevertheless, I now have greater awareness in these instances, and know that there is a better way. Despite imperfections, a more grounded, trusted sense of self has enabled me to live with less inner vulnerability and greater compassion for others. It has made me more resilient when confronted with the anger or unkindnesses of others, and helped me to understand that they are afraid, too. It has made me less fearful of life and of myself.

Most importantly, it has afforded me greater peace when I sit alone, or lie down at night. And so my resolution for the coming year, and all the years to come, is to continue on this path. I hope, dear reader, that this account of my experience may ignite some spark of recognition in you, and inspire you to work towards resting more easily.

May it be a very happy, restful new year for you.