Relative Wounds

Subject: Chapter 1

Relative Wounds

By: Corey J. Paschall

…As my head rotates back to its’ original position, my face begins to burn as if my red blood cells have suddenly been sprinkled with cayenne. My eyes begin to water.

I am bewildered and PTFO at the same damn time! What the… oh hell naw… did she just…no this chick DIDN’T just……but yes indeed she did. Malia, the sweet, mild-mannered woman I’ve adored for nearly a decade had reached back into Christmas’ past only to return with a blow that has awakened my taste buds with the ferocity of an electric lead.

Man, I didn’t think she had it in her! But the news of a sordid affair with someone I had absolutely NO business being involved with has given my gentle angel the strength of three hundred men; Spartan men!

I don’t know how to respond. My first instinct is to two-piece her!

But that will send me to Central Booking for sure. But mostly I’m just scared to death!

She keeps peering at the wooden base on the counter containing our very pricey Wolfgang Puck steak knives. The infomercial says they can cut through anything so imagine what they’ll do to me??She paces and pants, moving closer to the counter. I sweat and I blink; trying desperately to think of something, anything that will calm this woman down.

Where’s Jagged Edge when you need em?

My mouth starts to form something but she lunges toward the counter and says

“You rotten ——, I should…..”

Malia snatches the paring knife, perfect for slicing and dicing sensitive testicle meat into succulent morsels made for the pallets of malnourished-rabid pit bulls!

I try my hardest to stop her but she succeeds in digging a quarter of the blade into more of my side than my central nervous system can stand. I mean, I wanted to shed a few pounds but this is not exactly what I had in mind. We tussle and turn, give and go, heave and ho…and finally I manage to get her to the flo’.

She starts surrendering, after I apply my magnificent Figure 4, ripped from the images of Wrestlemania 5. We briefly catch each others’ eyes and for a nano-second I see her love for me from beyond the running mascara.

As she sobs uncontrollably I instinctively extend my arms to console her but the cold scowl has returned, even fiercer than before. She stands up, wipes her cheeks with the same hand which bares the 3.5 carat princess cut I offered to her just months ago and says…….”You are going to pay for this! Karma is sick and twisted and you’ve pissed us both off!”

Malia storms out and slams the door so hard the walls trembled.

I flinched when I heard the loud sound. I sat on the sofa for nearly two hours trying to figure out how I’d weasel myself out of this one; and how I’d gotten there in the first place.

Malia is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I knew that.

I’d be hard pressed to find better. She’s beautiful, intelligent, street smart and professional.

And on top of that, she puts it down in the bedroom. Sometimes I find myself staring at her in awe. I can’t believe this petite, God-fearing woman is so fiesty!

I’m talking toe-curling sex y’all. I mean she gives it to a brother so good….a tear forms in MY eye.

But how can I win her back? She’s far too upset now to even being open to the conversation so I have to wait until the dust settles a little. But whatever I come up with, it cannot be the usual baby-I’m-sorry’s and flowers. That doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. It’s bad enough that I cheated.

And it’s even worse that I got caught. But even worse still, she gets a routine doctors’ visit and finds out she’s somehow contracted Chlamydia.

But what really causes the slice and dice episode is when she connects the dots while confronting me and realizes…

Wait a second…I’ve been going on and on ad nauseam about this and y’all don’t even know my name. Forgive me. Let me begin from when it all started 2 years ago.

Hi, my name is Horatio Fullerton; but my friends call me Ray. Malia & I met outside the Sip N Taste Diner in Baltimore. We both laugh hysterically whenever one of us tells the story because it was 3 in the morning and she allowed herself to be wooed by a total stranger. And she was alone! But the diner actually provided the right ambience. And since it’s open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; the Sip n Taste became the perfect 3rd wheel to our date.