Rediscovery

When I was 19, I was so ready to move on and "be an adult.” I had been in long-term, live-in relationships since I was 16, so co-living with a partner wasn't new to me. I'd been living outside of my parent’s home for the better part of 5 years. When I met him, I was ready to shed my family name and settle down.

Settle down, we did. We got a house, supported each other through work and school for three years before we had kids. Every ounce of my being, my very identity, was mom, wife, student, homemaker. I'm a terrible housewife, that's for sure. But we managed. We were happy. WE. We were happy, but I was not. I was lost.

I didn't know who I was without all of these justifying adjectives. Chasing job after job because that's what I *should* be doing as a responsible and mature adult. But it wasn't who I was. We moved our family to the city and chased bigger dreams. I worked random jobs to make ends meet, but we began to drift apart.

By the time I was in my late 20s, we were significantly different people, and we'd lost who we were and why we'd fallen in love. We drifted, and we'd fallen out of love. In my early 30s, I filed for divorce. We'd been separated for over a year, still trying to co-parent our children together and be civil and friendly, but it was hard.

Now, as I approach my 32nd birthday, our divorce is in process, and I'm trying to dig myself out of the shell I've built around me. I've lost my best friend of over a decade and a few other friendships along the way.

It's time to take myself on the first date with myself. This weekend, I'll be picking up a nice bottle of wine, a new book, and some lovely and refreshing bath products[. I'll lock myself away from the world and sink into rediscovering my happiness.

I'll sip the merlot and moscatos that I haven't tasted since my kids were born nine years ago and that I've left in my past. I'll make the time for myself to listen to the music I want to relax to. I'll drift into a new world of fantasy and let myself become fully submersed in a world all my own.

I don't need permission to do the things I enjoy anymore. I am my own person, with my own loves and joys, and I need to find those again. I am going to make it a point to take myself out when I need a break. I will earn to love myself again for who I am, not what I do.

After I take myself for a date, I’ll go on a second. And a third. I’ll find new things to pursue and new loves to learn about. I’ll visit places that were on my list, and chase dreams and goals like I’ve never done it before, and I’ll do it because it makes me happy. I’ll show my kids that the only thing that can hold them back is forgetting why they started the journey.

In the next few years, I plan to buy an RV, and travel. I want to pile everyone in on a whim and go. Road tripping to wherever the heart desires. My world is endless, and I can spread my wings. But it all starts with that first date to rediscover myself and my happiness. I am strong and beautiful and worthy. I am my own person, and I will find her again.

I am ready for my date, now. The tears of heartbreak and loss are gone, I am ready to enjoy life again.