Real Real Estate

Frankly, I was afraid it was going to leave a mark. That’s pretty much what swayed me. I live in LA and any kind of scarring on the outside is not okay. Whatever is wrecked, hurricaned and shattered into somewhat artful prisms on the inside can be covered by anything by Alo, Victoria Beckham or good skin on the outside. But that skin may break, or much worse, fold. But as it happened, at this particular moment, my friend’s insanely strong nails were digging into my relatively thin Scandinavian skin. I’m already accident-prone and have a few non-LA sanctioned scars on both the outside and, allegedly, on the inside, so I just decided to say Yes. Yes, I will help manage your big shiny quality problem, but a problem, no less. Yes, I will help you think something through that I have so impulsively done myself. No. Not have a baby. Something one has a little more control over (initially)—buying a house. I’m not usually an impulsive buyer. Not in regards to jeans, shirts or even dresses, but we all know that you can’t look fat in your house, so impulsivity had reigned. But my friend was terrified. She was in that horrible predicament of being successful, attractive and smart. But most of all, she was single. How could she buy anything when she was single? This is something you’re supposed to do with someone else. This was a secret code that most people know how to adhere to. Having a baby by yourself is absolutely fine, but buying a house? It means not needing something and as an LA woman there’s a fine line and great divide between appropriate neediness and ugly vulnerability. I told her that this was a great start, speaking in code, because when you start looking at buildings, you have to absolutely begin with code. Is the house up to code? Are you in the postal code you want to be? But this was neither about standards nor zips. Clearly she was buying into some code that did little more than surpass the mid-century moderns and take us straight back to the 50s.

I often think I have all the answers, which is a belief that usually backfires, and I suddenly realize that she doesn’t share my absolute joy in going to open houses and seeing how other people live and getting to ask questions like: Is that a moat around the neighbor’s house? Are they not at all worried about the drought? Probably a really good security system if you want to keep out people with blowouts out? So there’s no parking whatsoever? Can the lawn be resurrected? Just in case. I begin to suspect that my friend is not having a good time mostly because of the high keening noise that’s coming out of her after the tenth house. I want to classify it as crying, but I’m still not sure. I realize that I have to approach this entirely differently, in the way that I would if she were not me, because apparently she is not. I remember that this is a girl who is very wary of people, places and things and frankly doesn’t like anything that’s not up to code. We all have codes that we adhere to. I know how I operate. I rely on a gut instinct that I then override and immediately begin to make weird decisions. But my friend doesn’t go with gut and instinct and the immediate denial thereof. She plans and predicts. She actually gets something out of self-help books and does the exercises. She takes all extraneous feelings out of a situation and makes her decisions based on what she is left with. She is, dare I say it, practical. I go with only extraneous feelings. I make a meal out of what I’m left with and run it off. I am impractical, but also great atmosphere. But again, it’s about her and since I have again been hired to write something on terrorism, I understand what she is about. She is a profiler by nature. She takes a man and analyzes him right down to his good watch, decent teeth and really bad driving. Then she makes it clear why she is or isn’t interested. The FBI lost a great talent when she decided to go into finance. She has spent such a long time profiling suitable mates that the decision concerning real estate must be approached in the same way. One must look beyond the immediate. One must find the truth in advertising and the lies that it covers. We have to approach this in the way one would a social networking or a dating app. I realize that if I can break down real estate jargon into a matchmaking terms, I will be able to maybe help her make a decision by taking away all the things that blur the real values like good hearts, good design and good bone structure. It’s back to code. I have to translate, as best I can, real estate into dating language, for men and women. I put my profiling hardhat on. All females have one. We came into this world saying: “I understand what you’re saying, but what does it mean?”

This is what it means.

"HISTORIC FIXER"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: It needs to be fixed and it has some genuine historic value. It could be protected under the national trust and you cannot tear that thing down. Under any circumstances. Unless maybe if you build a metro. Maybe. Historic can mean a lot of things. It could be the last Victorian near Bunker Hill. It could be a house in Beverly Hills where Hugh Hefner or maybe Mick Jagger had dinner or sex once. It could be a place where Jim Morrison partied in the Hollywood hills. There’s a good chance that this house is so historic because it was the first house on the hill.

IF IT’S BOY: It needs to be fixed and it has some genuine historic value. To you. You have clearly been in this house before and decided that you needed to leave, as it began to deteriorate. But it has value to you and you know from previous experience that you cannot tear it down, but you think: “What if I just fix it?” Your girlfriends remember the value they thought this house had when they first saw it and then they saw the interior design and knew that it was going to be really hard to replicate that wall color with paint that isn’t toxic. But you have a plan. You want to keep the outside exactly like it is and tear the inside apart and then build it back to reflect the historic value—of all the good times. It could be the last house on the block!

IF IT’S A GIRL: It needs to be fixed and it has some genuine historic value. To you. And your friends. Your friends remember the parties that you had in this house and they’re scared. Even the most courageous of your bros still only speak of this house in slightly hushed and frightened tones. They remember exactly why this house lost its roof. There’s a good chance one of those friends moved in after you moved out, but no one will ever admit it. You know, however, that is your friend with the eye twitch. You had the time of your life in this house and you think that if you can just keep the electrical wiring from starting a fire in the wall, this house could truly be fixed. You harbor a genuine fear, not that this house has been around the block, but that the block might be haunted.

"MID-CENTURY MODERN"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: This place usually has great bone structure no matter what has happened to it over the years. Whoever might have gotten their hands on something like this has either kept it exactly how it was or lovingly restored it according to how it was built. They have probably spent some serious money on some Danish and Italian furniture and don’t even think about moving the turquoise glass. It looks like an after thought. It’s not. It’s thought through. Nothing is left up to chance.

IF IT’S A BOY: Probably has great bone structure and probably knows more than you about stuff, simply from being from the middle of the last century, yet modern. He might have been married before and therefore there might have been some upgrades and some tear downs that are sort of difficult to navigate around. He might have even more moderns also known as children. They might even be grown children, just as far as simple math goes. If this structure remains untouched as far as previous owners, there might be a slight risk that this structure does not want to be owned. This is again thought through. And so should you.

IF IT’S A GIRL: Probably lives by the motto that mid-century modern is the new modern. Might have had a few updates, might not. Might have had previous owners, might not. Will often have been accused of being eccentric or bitter, but like the kidney-shaped pool she might put in, she might be deep enough to dive off the deep end or keep her relationships light by swimming where it’s shallow. She will fit best with someone who compliments her and understands her structure, but she will very possibly be looking for structures much younger than her own pebbles. This is a great investment—If it wants to be an investment.

"MOVE-IN-READY"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: It’s, well, perfect. The plumbing, electrical, paint, etc. has either been updated or are in fact brand new. You literally just have to bring your couch, toothbrush and your Coravin. Even the garden has been tended to. You can expect flowers, trees and garage openers that work. This house wants you. As long as you pay.

IF IT’S A BOY: This is the guy who bought a minivan suddenly, out of the blue. He believes that if he drives it, they will come. Like someone who suddenly develops a random addiction to smack, he is suddenly ready to be a daddy. Now. It’s the guy that women say that they want, but are secretly terrified of. This guy is so ready for couch time in matching high-end sweats and lengthy conversations about wine from New Jersey and organic baby diapers. No, he doesn’t have any kids. He is just very ready and you’re the hot mobile in his suddenly baby proofed life.

IF IT’S A GIRL: This is the kind of woman who, at this point in her life, can emulate those female blackbirds who mated with sterilized male blackbirds and still laid eggs that hatched. She has picked her side of the bed, before there’s anybody in there to take the other side. She has created space in her life. She has imagined, tap-danced and Secret-ed you into her life and onto her organic bamboo floors. She can cook, she can pay for cleaning and she is ready to accessorize, and you, little boy, are the lone color-coordinated cushion on her traditional, yet updated couch.

"HOA"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: Well, it could be a condo. The homeowner association sounds like it would include you, yes, the homeowner, but really the homeowner association is a weird cult that monitors your every move. And you can count on the fact that every move is the wrong move. The homeowner’s association cares only about the outside and they care about as much uniformity as possible. Any lawn chair in the wrong place and they have decided that there is only one-way for them to take it: personally. Of course you pay a serious amount of money to have people treat you like the evil child that you are.

IF IT’S A BOY: The homeowner’s association is not necessarily about him. The HOA, in this case, is his bros, his buddies, his kindergarten friends and his second cousins. This is the “association” who gets to decide if you’re good enough for “the greatest guy in the world.” These are the guys who are always around and this is the proverbial Greek chorus who will decide if you’re cool enough, rich enough and (shudder) pretty enough. You can get lucky and have an association who whole heartedly approves of you or you can get not so lucky and have an association that hates you and hope that they can make it uncomfortable enough for you to not hang out before Cabo.

IF IT’S A GIRL: The HOAs could easily have names like Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, but usually they are anything from a Tina to a Zoë, to the odd Cinnamon. They are your girl’s girls, ladies or if she is a Gen X'er who wants to appear like a Millennial, her bitches. These are the proverbial Valkyries whose epic battle universe you have to navigate in. Whatever you say to your girl will be analyzed by these ladies, who you wish were just mythical, but are in fact very real and will be the judges, jury and witnesses to your delicate-as-a-rosebud relationship in their HIIT-tough, yet manicured hands.

"SUBJECT TO PERMITS"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: Somebody added something to the house that they still don’t have a permit for. You will have to get the permit. You will have to pay the fine. You might have to get rid of the unpermitted structure entirely.

IF IT’S A BOY: He has a girlfriend.

IF IT’S A GIRL: She has a boyfriend. Or really controlling girlfriends.

"SELLER RESPONSIBLE FOR CLOSING COSTS"

IF IT’S A HOUSE: The seller wants to get rid of this place. Now. They are somehow willing pay for it.

IF IT’S A BOY: He still lives with his mother.

IF IT’S A GIRL: She wants to go steady. In a time where go steady meant go steady. She’s not referring to the time that you were too Molly’d out to stand up.

So my friend found her home. As she gripped her steering wheel as she only a few days before had gripped my arm, I could tell she was happy. She had used my simple guidelines to what things would mean if they were written as a self-help book for men, women and dating. So she decided to buy a house just like she does everything else. Wholeheartedly and fully committed. In the end, with all the rules, guidelines and mottos, she realized that she had to go for what she really loved and what she felt she could afford to take chances with. And for a girl with style ideas that borders on Hello Kitty meets boot camp, she found a house with clean lines mixed with Corinthian columns and a dash of English Tudor. And like Mick Jagger, who may or may not have had sex in his house, said: “… If you try sometimes, you get what you need.”