Rambling in the weeds

Choking in my throat, grasping for air watching dreams fade away. People fading away, I'm fading away. I wanted a better world for my children but now I realize I have sentenced them to hell, buckle up kids it's going to be a bumpy ride. I can only hope the future is going to be less dystopian. I see the solutions but who would listen to me anyway? I am a forty-five year old on the brink of menopause who doesn't have a fucking clue what she wants to do with her life. Excuse me, mid-life.

I have Multiple Sclerosis and typing was my bread and butter before my diagnosis. I've adjusted to typing a new way because I can't feel some of the keys with my pinky finger. I know it could be a lot worse. I am grateful for what I am still capable to do. I'm trying to find new ways to work, I'm pretty sure being a small business owner is a better option for me. I just have to get this idea off the ground. Right now my heart is hurting because of what I see everyday. How do I ignore it? If I don't, I feel frustration. IF I ignore it, well then I have chosen the other pill and ignorance is bliss right?

This is why I feel like I am screaming inside sometimes. I don't want to act like everything is perfectly fine when it's not. Things are not okay, we are not okay. We need fixing on so many levels and no amount of sugar coating and and "I understand your frustration" is going make it ok. Are we not better than this? Acting like assholes to each other, claiming one person is better than the other for a multitude of reasons. Is it really necessary? No matter how anyone rationalizes this, we are all at fault for thinking we are better than the other person next to us. We are all going to die, why can't everyone be comfortable and actually enjoy life before it happens? Because we really don't know when that will happen. I would rather not be ten years into a job I absolutely hate when the world ends, I will have died miserable. Who wants that?

How different would society be if we adapted to the mindset that life should be energizing, exciting, innovative. Take a second to really think about the bigger picture. If we all just started trying to be more innovative, how different would our society be? Would we have conquered greater feats earlier in our timeline? I see what could be done to fix the problems of the world. Can you? We spend so much time learning in school only to feel betrayed by the information shoveled out years later. What are we doing? Where are we going? Everyone is playing such a dangerous game of tug o' war. "We're headed for self-destruction." I said in a singsong way of the old Stop the Violence movement theme song. Because we are.

People are fighting right now, what about? Sh...t well anything really. Hell, people might fight about not fighting. It's confusing and I feel lost and I should have my shit together at my age already. I'm trying to justify my failures by rationalizing and finding new hobbies of interest until I find something that sticks.

Why can't we live in a world where everyone is taken care of? It's painful to see the new residential areas in construction where the pear orchards used to be. It's painful to watch two grown-ups argue like children over something that can take minutes to solve. Why do they care to argue so much? You can't take any personal belongings when you die, you do know that right? What are we doing to ourselves? Why do we worry about money, fame, fortune? When you take a look at the big picture, why are we all putting ourselves through this? Show me the logic.

I refuse to take sides, especially when I can see where we all fail to see the common factor with all of us. It doesn't matter if you believe in reincarnation or not. The one thing that happens to all of us is death. Yet, no one seems to live with that thought process. Too grim? Well maybe you need to hear it because it's true. Death doesn't care who you voted for, what race you are, what religion you worship. Because in the end he's going to take you anyway. Show me one person who is alive right now because death was prejudice? Show me one person who is still alive because Death is racist. I'll wait...

So why are people fighting? About pretty much everything? All that fighting could be spent coming up with solutions to better problems. Wouldn't it be some shit if the next President of the United States is a young teenager who aged out of foster care and is now homeless? We won't know it though because we spent a lot of time arguing about mundane issues. We don't know it because we haven't solved homelessness, so we don't evolve. Can you be ok with that? If so why? Why would you deprive yourself of an opportunity to advance as a society? The only thing is we will never know what we are truly capable of because are selling ourselves short by fighting and stereotyping each other.

I'm not looking for euphoria either, I'm just looking for solutions to a problem. Hunger doesn't know race, neither does cancer, depression, abuse. We're all going through it. Stop saying that this is just the way it is, because you are part of the problem if you do. Why can't we share knowledge? We need each other to evolve, forget who is red or blue, race, religion, politics, differences. Focus on the problems we have now. People hate each other, when is that going to end?

We keep saying that we need to work together, but when are we all REALLY going to work together? How are we going to be able to stand strong together if we can't agree/disagree separately?

Why should any one feel superior to the other. The endgame remains the same for everyone, YOU WILL DIE. So why make it more difficult for yourself than it already is? I mean because if you can't agree with logic, maybe you were supposed to lemming off the cliff.