post future apocalypse gift guide

How do we shop gifts for our children and our loved ones within the chaos of this last year coming to it's inevitable close? We are a consumerist society here, and the the best flash with the most cash rules the media roost, the rest of us blankly staring at the screen being imaginary Kardashian, eating our dollar store chips and wearing our good sweatpants (the ones without avacado dip stains in the crotch area, in case you're wondering).

It occurs to me that we got ourselves into this mess of a situation quite unthinkingly, blindly rushing around in our shallow pursuits of happiness: retail therapy is an actual entity, after all, and unmanaged is the equivalent of using a hammer to fix those fly away frizzies. In other words, it's now potentially deadly to entire communities for you to see and be seen in your new shoes that make you a superior person because they cost more than anyone with a brain would spend. So, we must be creative, dear reader, and invent for ourselves and our loved ones an eminently practical guide to gift giving.

For the couple who has it all: this list is for those friends of ours that bask in our undying envy because of their solid as a rock pure love. We are all vicariously fantasizing their lives, admit it, they are stunning in their commitment against all odds. We're so proud and confused that atleast a couple of our generation turned out to be functional and normal (but are they REALLY?), that they hold a quiet fascination unmatched for us all. We must act decisively if they are to survive.

So, put on your coats and hats, my friends, and get ready for the cold hard truth: they need some serious help if they're gonna make it through this intact, and now you're going to save true love with every bit of your introverted couch potato soul using this handy dandy survival kit for the former inhabitants of a good relationship under pressure.

The items you will need to gather for our first-honeymoon-in-quarantine gifts are available readily, no need to leave the property. Bonus! You can put on the wig, the beanie, the facemask, and get out there in your 'older fat sister visiting' disguise and be back in a flash. In your car, under the front seat, there are atleast three pairs of sunglasses. I call these 'disposable shades' because they're the ones you bought at the gas station on the way to work when you were still wasted and probably shouldn't be walking around like you're sober, driving, much less pumping flammable anything, anywhere. They are recognizable by the bling, which seemed 'fun' and 'classic moviestar' when you were still drunk, but flew off the back of your head, where they were holding the hair you forgot to rinse the conditioner out of this morning, while you were busy slamming your fists into the steering wheel screaming at your boss stuck in traffic and hungover on the way home. Next you need a movie magazine and a tube of superglue. Duct tape will do, in a pinch.

Now, this next part is tricky,but quick, because you need to pick out pictures of beautiful people who could pass, in the dark, in the depths of desperate monogamy and hopeless futility, for their significant other. You need to carefully cut out these photos, and duct tape or glue these to the inside of the glasses, wrap them carefully, and discreetly label them 'fantasy glasses'. First present: finito,bandito.

The next items are easily purchased online and pack up so nicely and are so inexpensive, they will fit perfectly into the realm of pandemic purchase: whoopee cushions. Like, ten or twenty of them. Include in the 'usage of emergency quarantine items' list with these recommended hiding places: behind couch and chair pillows, stashed behind bed pillows, where they can roll their bespectacled pretend Jason Mamoa over onto a couple. Highly recommended that a stash is put under the sink, fully loaded in each bathroom, just because morning sex is not always on the menu, we've got things to do. Keeping it humble is gonna be paramount to relationship survival. Make sure you recommend that atleast a couple of them be kept on stash in the back reaches of the refrigerator, disgused as old broccoli and full of jello. Trust me, they'll know what to do with those. Married people are nothing, if not creative with food. It's part of that mystery they carry around, that old milk smell.

This is your time to shine. You might be single, but you've been observing first hand every single relationship error known to man and a few that weren't even thought of before your original stepping style came on the scene. You know what to do, the dangers they face. Paintball suits and paintball guns. Enough said.

A case of Malort. On subscription, to be delivered monthly. This package includes herring in wine sauce, hair bands, a toilet seat cushion, and several old pots and pans that are puke worthy. I know it seems counterproductive, but we have now entered into the realm of twin flames. Don't pretend that you don't want them in the viking saga, because we all know you do. They cannot rise without a full fantasy world gaes, and that's just standard procedure. There should be viking hats and faux fur capes included with this one. Snow shovels painted with runic sigils. We can only hope the movement spreads and they begin some real time interaction at a distance with their neighbors. Hail Odin! Spirituality matters.

This holiday season, hold that line, my brothers and sisters. Our hurt country needs you. We still believe that true love will save us, those poor goons just need our help to level up.