I tossed and turned last night, was awoken several times by crazy dreams, my dog letting out gas that could gag a maggot, and my youngest son tromping in the kitchen scrounging for sweets. My head was already swimming because of the daylight savings time change. It was even in my favor, but my psyche wasn't having any joy in the extra hour. I thought about getting up but it was much too early for hot tea and much too nippy of weather to shower. We have been in the 40s and I just resolved to cover up with blankets and a furball who likes to snuggle and pretend to rest.
I had my alarm set to arise at a later "early" for me...I wanted to go to church. I've always deplored alarms or any insistence for unnatural forces of nature. So, my mind was made up. I wasn't going anywhere.
Something welled up in me, a dark cloud I couldn't shake. I realized it was the two-month mark of my son passing. So many thoughts came at me like knives being thrown into my body and head. Reality.
Prayer is always good, but sometimes, for me...prayer is the only balm that helps. The kind of prayer where your soul is laid bare and there is no pretense to be found. The kind where you beg for His presence and peace, and for Him to send some sort of encouragement.
At first, I just stayed in bed, and no prayers came to my heart or head. But then I decided what I needed was some worship music, so I googled on my phone. God always knows just what we need. I found this song:
As her words flowed, so did my tears, and then my prayers, and then peace came and I asked for His touch today so I could make it through.
As the day progressed, I showered, did grocery shopping, and then stopped by a local hamburger fast food place to bring my youngest son some lunch, who had been busy working in the yard. As I pulled in the window to pay, this beautiful young, smiling woman said, "Hello lovely lady. This is for you," and handed me this bouquet of five white tea roses from one solitary stem. I was so overjoyed because I believe God used her heart and faith to reach out to me, a total stranger, with a gift of "peace."
Now, I learned a long time ago that the Jewish word, Shalom, meant peace, and peace is translated to mean "nothing missing and nothing broken." Even though my oldest son is "missing," and I'm feeling kind of "broken," God says, "He's here with Me, so be healed."
You might say that these are silly coincidences, and I am reading into what I needed to believe. But I don't think so.
I know I am writing often about my healing process, but I hope you know I'm not looking for sympathy. Grief is universal and I know we all go through it. Thank you for going through it with me.
I'm feeling very grateful for friends and kind strangers tonight. I pray my stories bring some kind of comfort to you, too. We aren't meant to journey alone. Praying that just when you need it, may God send someone to give you white roses, too!
References:
John 14:27 New International Version
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
About the Creator
Shirley Belk
Mother, Nana, Sister, Cousin, & Aunt who recently retired. RN (Nursing Instructor) who loves to write stories to heal herself and reflect on all the silver linings she has been blessed with :)
Reader insights
Nice work
Very well written. Keep up the good work!
Top insight
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Keep reading
More stories from Shirley Belk and writers in Humans and other communities.
Who Hung the Stars?
They say, “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” That statement always stumped me, confused me, and made me question. Maybe because math wasn't my forte? So, I looked at it through the lens of language which translated to "amalgamation." The definitions and examples I found of that term turned out to be so sterile and business-like, even from a cultural standpoint, though. I wasn't satisfied.
By Shirley Belk3 months ago in Humans
A Winter Devotional. Winner in The Ritual of Winter Challenge.
Large, fluffy white flakes swirl slowly to the ground in a gentle, choreographed waltz. Safe and warm inside my house, wrapped in a cozy blanket on the velvet couch, I watch in silence through the huge front window as everything becomes white. The world, time itself, lessens its pace to match the cadence of the first true snowfall.
By A. J. Schoenfeld28 days ago in Humans
Day 4 of Quitting
If this is how sobriety feels, maybe it’s better to go through life a little buzzed… this, along with other hits like, I want to kill myself, I wish I was dead, and I’m going to throw myself off a bridge have been the only thoughts on rotation these past few days. I promise myself that if, in a month, I still feel like this (‘this’ meaning despondent, full of rage, and simultaneously numb) I can go back to smoking. Until mid-February though? Nicotine is off the table.
By sleepy drafts5 days ago in Longevity
Comments (5)
Intrasting
I believe God uses others, sometimes without them knowing it, to comfort His children when they need it most. I also believe He sends us messages on behalf of our loved ones who have passed, just little reminders that though we cannot see them, they aren't really all that far away and that they are okay. My Dad used to always make a big deal and point out any wildlife, especially geese, deer, and elk, as we were driving. Now everytime I see a deer instead of hearing my Dad say "look there's a deer" I hear him say "look, I'm still here!" It's a bit like a warm hug from the other side. I genuinely hope you have many similar moments that remind you God sees you and holds your son safe in his arms.
This is very beautiful Shirley. These are not coincidences, God has a way of telling us that he's around, even in our darkest moments Please be strong for us all
Even if they are coincidences, doesn't mean they're silly. Also, I'm glad you're writing about this often because writing is very therapeutic. I didn't know the meaning of shalom, so thank you for teaching me that. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
This is a beautiful story of God amazing grace. Shalom, is certainly a powerful word. Thank you for sharing. 🥰🙏🏽🙏🏼