Past Life, For A Future Life

I knew he was leaving

I knew he was going off to fight.

I was a young woman of just 18, had actually just turned 18, and it would’ve never set right with him, if I had told him that I was going too.

I was to be working in the infirmary.

I was scrambling for supplies, which we were low on, trying desperately, to help any and all injured men that came in.

A small group of about 3 men came in carrying a fellow soldier. He was injured badly, and near death.

I ran over to help and started applying pressure on the most attentive wound I saw. That’s all that mattered until I looked up.

He was standing there holding pressure on another wound, staring at me. I wasn’t sure what I saw was just amazement, or anger.

“Tobias...” I tried to speak. “I can explain…” he cut me off, “No time, save him!”

I did the best I could, he helped since he had already gone thru some medical training. He was in college as a pre-med, age 19, when he was drafted… I was the first to realize something was different about him, but the last to know why.

He was stabilized and taken away.

“..., what are you doing here!” I just kind of laughed and replied, “I told you I’d see you soon.”

He wasn’t amused. “Are you insane, you’re going to get yourself killed, you can’t handle…” “what because I’m a woman.” “That’s not what I’m saying. This is different from all your crazy stunts back home. This is the front, this is where men die.” “I can handle myself.” I shook my head looking down, “I’m needed.” I started walking towards the shoreline, out of the cover of the trees. He was trying to stop me, I could hear him yelling, though I’m not sure what his words were, I was too angry to listen.

Then there was a loud, deafening sound, and a flash. I had gone out.

When I came to, he was holding me, trying to get me to wake up. Then he was yelling for help as he picked me up to carry me. I was trying to tell him I could walk, I was fine. He laughed, “You’re crazy …, but you’re going to make it. You’re going to be ok.”

Something was dripping down my face, blood, it was blood. I saw my leg just then. It was covered in blood, and musty sand, probably because it was mixed with dirt and whatever was in the landmine that had gone off.

I could tell that my leg was broken. I couldn’t move it, and it seemed that the bone was ready to puncture the skin.

I looked back at Tobias and he was frightened, but he looked down and smiled at me, before looking away.

The last thing I remember was the terrified expression on his face, and his grip tightening around me as he tried to block me, though I don’t know what from.

I remember his deep blue eyes lighting up with fear, his defined jaw tightening as if holding in a scream of fright and anger, his beautifully featured face turning white and tension growing through out it.

I remember my arms around his neck. My head resting against his toned chest, and the muscles in his arms restricting as his he gripped me tighter

I remember all of this, before he let go…

When I awoke, I saw this harsh,bright light, before everything came into focus.

I was in a hospital. I tried to sit up, before a doctor stopped me. “No, shh, its ok. You’re in a hospital.”

“I realize this.” “Oh, well that’s good, you have a substantial head injury among other things. You should try to lay still.”

“No, I need to get out, I need to see him.”

He stopped me again. A nurse helped him, then softly asked “who dear?”

“Tobias” they looked at me a bit confused. I grunted in frustration. “The soldier who was carrying me. He’s my best friend. I need to know he’s ok. I have to see him.”

They both looked at me again, this time, with pity. “No.” The nurse spoke then, gently and calm, “I’m so sorry dear, but the man who was found near you, was dead at the scene. He appeared to be shielding you.”

“You’re lying! He’s still on the front somewhere. Out by the Caspian sea. You have to find him.”

They looked at me with such pity, it only angered me more.

The nurse sat down next to me, and covered my hand with hers, I tried to pull back. She reassured me everything was going to be ok.

Then she handed me a crumpled, musty, stained piece of paper.

They both left.

I opened the letter.

“Dear Caroline,

I know you’re probably still outrageously angered with me, for not properly saying goodbye to you. Probably even more so, for not telling you that there would be a goodbye in the first place.

I’m traveling to the front line at the shore by the Caspian Sea now, which means I will already be there in the midst of it all, by the time you get this. I know this wasn’t what you had in mind when I spoke of a winter trip. When I told you there’d be snow, and lot’s of rain, I wasn’t lying.

It’s beautiful here, I know you would’ve loved it. It reminds me of you. Blue waters as breathtaking as your blue-green eyes, undefined like the weather, strong like the currents, and willing like the tides.

I miss you. I hope you know that you’re the most trusted person I know. I never wanted to hurt you. You should know that I would never intentionally do anything to cause you harm.

We’ve been best friends since I was just a tot, and you, an infant.

We grew up together, side by side. Even though I was a year and some months older than you, you always managed to keep up, and never ceased to amaze me. I always wanted you in my life.

I knew this the moment I saw you coming down the staircase in your gown. We were at a ball of some sorts, I don’t remember the details of it all, just how beautiful you looked. You were 15, almost 16, and I had just turned 17. I had offered to be your escort. You had always joked about me being your partner in crime, so I offered to be your partner in dance.

I remember walking you onto the dance floor and I bowed. You curtsied in return. I wrapped my arm around your waste and took your hand as we started to dance. You were so graceful and patient with me since I was such a klutz. Tripping over my own feet as it were.

I remember holding you in my arms and never wanting to let you go. I never wanted to let you go, because in that moment, I had fallen in love with you. I realized that you weren’t just my best friend.

You were the girl of my dreams.

I love you and I always will.

I’m sorry I waited till I was half-way across the world to say it, but I suppose that would be better, than not having told you at all.

I’ll say it again if you want me to, or even if you don’t

I love you.

'Your partner in crime, Tobias’

P.S. In case I never get the chance. I wanted you to have this, and hopefully you would wear it, and I’d be lucky enough to call you mine.

My best friend, my love, my future wife.

Even if you don’t say yes, I will be happy knowing that I have told you and that I have asked.

You can never say that a man never loved you, because I loved you with more heart than I had.”

In the corner of the page, sewed into the paper where it was stained with his blood, was his grandmother’s wedding ring. I had seen it a thousand times, and not once did I not admire its beauties.

I detached it gently from the paper, cleaned it, and put it on the ring finger of my left hand.

There was a small tint of his blood still stained in the stone.

Through the tears, that I now realize I was crying, I whispered, “I would’ve said yes…” I stopped for a moment then spoke again, “my answer is still yes.”

He thought I wouldn’t have said yes.

He thought that I wouldn’t of chosen him.

And I know precisely why he thought that.

It was because of Derek.

He was my age, and very handsome.

He was also rich.

I had somewhat fancied him, but never enough to love him.

My parents found him quite suitable though for my future.

It’s like it was all set up for me.

What Tobias didn’t know was that I would have chosen him in a heartbeat.

I would have run away to be with him.

I did.

I went to the war, to fight beside him, to be with him.

Even if we weren’t at the same front.

I know we both were fighting, and for the same cause.

I remember one night, looking at the moon, it was a harvest moon.

I remember just looking up at it, and smiling, because I knew wherever Tobias was, he was seeing the same moon as me. I hoped he was thinking of me too, and I can see now that he was… always, as I was.