Painful Realities of Orphan Boys

“Orphan kids usually grow on their own, like wild weeds. These resilient but thorny plants have no benefits like farm plants. Instead, they need to be rouged out because of their uncontrolled growth and undesirable effects on soil and the development of other plants”. Dr. Ameer Bibi

Children’s well-being after their parents die is a significant issue in many Asian cultures. There are different rules for how to treat boys and girls who have lost their parents. It’s common for boys to have problems, like not having a safe place to sleep or enough food.

Girls, on the other hand, sometimes get more help. To understand why this happens and what it means for kids who have lost their parents, we’ll look at real-life cases and situations. This writing will provide insight into the lives of these children and the injustices they may endure.

Life After Loss: The Journey of Orphaned Children

Unfortunately, if both of the parents die simultaneously in any accident, children may wind up living with various relatives. After one tragedy, they have to face other unknown sufferings; children find themselves in a new world, crossing an unexpected, unbalanced land without the advice and support of their loving parents.

An AI image created by the author via Bing AI

Boys and Girls: Differential Caregiving Norms

One family can’t adopt all the children, so here, relatives prefer to take in girls because there is a widespread belief that they are physically weaker and cannot create any issues for them. Generally, it is considered that girls are innocent and can’t recognize good or bad for themselves, so they need the help of elders.

Furthermore, they will help with domestic duties and provide supportive maid services. Although this does not apply to all families, some are highly sympathetic and love orphaned children more than their own.

On the other hand, society believes that guys might have a more manageable life, as they can sleep anywhere without worries. People often think boys are more intelligent and robust than girls; however, this is not true if they do not have a guardian or a house.

There is a famous quote, “Boys, even if they are naked, it doesn’t matter. They will remain boys, and no harm will come to their honour.” unknown.

Thus, family elders are primarily concerned with the safety of unmarried girls. They do not think about guys with the same level of concern. According to one school of thought, boys are extraordinary creatures like aliens; they do not require anything to be nourished, protected, or led to live a healthy and balanced life.

Boys Face Sleep Deprivation and Food Insecurity

However, the truth is quite painful and contradictory as boys often face harsher, even worse, challenges after their parent’s deaths. Relatives are hesitant to let them stay if they have only daughters. They don’t take any risk to keep a growing or adolescent boy at home due to several reasons like the safety of their daughter’s virginity, a separate room requirement, and expenses associated with it.

One of the most significant concerns is that if the guy does not get a good education or does a good job or business, how will they face their relatives? They cannot adequately take care of an orphan boy. Why did they bring him home if they couldn’t care for the boy?

“It would have been better if you hadn’t brought him; at least something could have been made. Okay, we couldn’t afford to educate him, but we could have taught him a skill. You’ve ruined the child’s future.”

This is a common taunt that I’ve seen elders in the family make to others, which is why people think to themselves, ‘Let’s adopt the girl. We’ll get her married off in the future. ‘ Anyway, placing a hand over an orphan girl’s head is also considered virtuous.

This is why families avoid teasing and sarcasm to avoid such situations.

Challenges linked with acceptance of Orphan Boys

On the other hand, when one family member has no daughters and just boys, it’s common for other relatives to advise them to keep the orphan boys at home. They think having another son won’t matter much because the family already has two or three. The boys hope to develop close relationships and mutual support systems as they mature.

This setup has advantages, but it can also cause problems. A mother with her sons may start comparing the orphaned child to her own, which could make the orphan feel inferior. This can cause these children to feel inferior, which may appear impatient and rude.

I’ve seen numerous boys who were well-behaved with their parents but had various physical and mental health problems as a result of their parents’ sudden departure. Furthermore, because they no longer receive pocket money, teenagers begin smoking and stealing from home.

Generally, girls who help with housekeeping without complaint receive high praise and a good community reputation. Others receive pocket money as a gift from other female friends and family.

Unfortunately, relatives behave very differently with boys; they frequently reject guys who do not earn well. They are labeled disobedient, ungrateful, and unthankful if they earn much money but don’t give it all to the family elders.

A Tragic Tale of Homelessness and Rejection

There was a boy named Jammal who lived in our street. His older sister studied in my class. I remember him as a cheerful, healthy boy who always came to his sister during break time. She used to help him open his lunch box, and he mostly played with her.

After the break, he would go back to his class. Sometimes, he even brought a baby bottle with him. One day, I asked his sister, who was my classmate, “Does he drink from a baby bottle? How old is he?” She said, “Seven years.”

Then, suddenly, we found out that their father had a heart attack and passed away. Shortly after, their mother also had a stroke, and she, too, passed away. The brother and sister were left alone in the house. For many days, the women in the neighborhood, especially the mothers, were worried about what would happen to the children.

Jammal was one of these boys, like a lost, desperate soul, who died while sleeping in the parks and surviving on leftover eatables from friends and restaurants.

He sometimes fell asleep in a shop and sometimes in a parking lot because he couldn’t bear the teasing remarks. Once, he met his sister, who was staying at her friend’s house. When his sister asked him about breakfast, he remained silent, meaning he hadn’t eaten anything in the morning. So she went to the kitchen, prepared breakfast, and brought it for him.

Jammal ate the food, but tears welled up in his eyes. Jamal then left, but the friend’s father made a lot of noise, saying, “First, you brought your friend along. She’s a girl; now her brother will also eat at our house. We didn’t set up a charity here.” Jamal’s sister felt it deeply. And the next time he came to see her, she refused to let him come, except for his sister, there was no one else in the city. He worked at a factory and used to sleep there.

The Tragic End of Jammal’s Life

One day, he slept in the park, and the weather got freezing, and he died of poor immunity with a high fever. On the other hand, his sister’s gender sheltered her from being died physically. Sometimes, I think it’s good that Jamal left this world early; otherwise, he would have spent many days with an empty stomach while sleeping on the streets. At least now he’s resting peacefully in his grave.

Understanding Hidden Struggles of Orphaned Boys

Before this event, I used to think that girls were unprotected without their parents. But after this incident, I realized boys suffer more, as they keep everything to themselves and don’t share with anyone.

If they are lucky, they get educated, but they spend their whole lives under the obligation of gratitude, being told, “We raised you, fed you, and educated you; now it’s your turn to support us.”

On the other hand, parents shower their children with gifts and do not ask for anything in return. Learning to value one’s parents is crucial, particularly for guys, because no one else is as genuine as one’s parents.

As a mother, my heart breaks at the thought that if I were to die, my sons might end up like Jammal. I can't bear to think about what would happen. This thought grips my heart and mind.

Note: I wrote this story based on my observations: orphan girls have more advantages than boys. Unfortunately, Jamal’s death serves as a fitting example. This narrative is based on an actual incident the author witnessed, yet the boy’s name has been changed to protect his privacy. Your perspective, knowledge, and experience could differ. Please make sure I don’t mean to hurt anyone.

Literature Cited:

K. Robinson et al., 2022. Leaving No One Behind: A Photovoice Case Study on Vulnerability and Wellbeing of Children Heading Households in Two Informal Settlements in Nairobi. Social Sciences, 11.

Mohammadzadeh M, Awang H, Kadir Shahar H, Ismail S. Emotional Health and Self-esteem Among Adolescents in Malaysian Orphanages. Community Ment Health J. 2018 Jan;54(1):117–125.