Out of dark times

About to finish high school our parents took us out of school, my father was going towards bankruptcy. We knew about his profession since we were kids but we really didn’t get involved, we innocently enjoyed the benefits of his hard work. There were several large debts, more than a couple of sues, and a daunting tax debt that puts my mother’s freedom at risk. I was 16 or so, it took me some time to acknowledge the magnitude of the situation (my father wasn’t very clear about what was happening). So I learned my father’s trade of Tool and Die Making, a beautiful trade. We start working just the two of us, a bit later my brother joins and then my mother, we pay all debts after 4 or 5 years. My father is a natural teacher but he was also an alcoholic, which made everything even harder. We came out of it slow and steady and with a lot of scars. I learned a huge amount of things from that time, I became resilient and resourceful, I found things about me I didn't know I could do or feel, one thing became clear and true to me since then, you get to know people more intimately when working together. In this case, there was no paycheck waiting for us, only debts and scarcity, so you see clearly; the stamina, the ideas, the solutions, the proactiveness, the tiredness, the sadness, the frustration, the fear, the commitment, the loyalty. There were no masks, nice words won’t fix things, there is no one to steal ideas from, you won’t get away with it if you mess up. You just get real, and you answer to yourself about what you’re capable of, your values come to surface inevitably, your quality as a person or professional ethics, wherever you want to call it, is evident. So besides learning the trade, this time left me with other tools, at the time I wasn’t sure the use I will have for them, time will tell.

The teeth grinding started from the first years of the “let’s pay some debts” journey, but it worsened since my father in law beat the hell out of me 4 years ago, the police officer told me I almost bit his finger off. Oh poor thing, I hurt him when I was trying to defend myself from being choked. I remember grabbing him by the “balls” and squeezing until he wasn’t able to speak, and that was my first fight in life, always a first for everything right?. It took me a couple of years to heal from that (emotionally), I felt helpless and vulnerable and In a place I’ve never been, yeah that's me, I need to be pushed to the edge and painful lessons to understand I need to love myself more. My husband was there. That’s the part of the lesson that took me longer to digest, the part when I understood that In your time of need you only have yourself, the part where I have to accept that I’m responsible for what happens to me, the part where I know even if I don’t want to that there is something there to learn, within that ugly dark hole I put myself in. Forgiving both took me years, forgiving me took me longer. Why would I put myself there?, why couldn't I defend myself? Why did I stay there knowing I wasn’t comfortable? (His father has always despised me and it was pretty evident to all)... as dumb as it sounds now, I stayed because my husband asked and I “couldn’t” say no, in addition, even tho I’m very tolerant and respectful I let the fire grow bigger because allowed someone else words to affect me. Not exactly that day, but I found appreciation for my father in law, he came to show me new tools I was not able to uncover yet for myself; I have to trust and honor my instincts, meaning my yes and my no, never go to or stay in a place where I don’t want to be, and most important; never give a rat ass about what other people think of me. Sounds very simple now, but has changed a world of things.

In 2019, I’m homemaking, building, and selling things made of wood, I had a gardening and landscaping job, doing some DIY home maintenance, learning to run an LLC, growing tomatoes, and trying to keep my dreams alive. People say I’m a hard worker. I never felt something different about me when working but I do notice I tap into a flow of energy that gives me stamina and focus, and it makes time pass by fast. This “strength” has been with me since I remember; I like building things, I like learning things, I like solving things, and starting new things, so, in some ways, that is asking for trouble, so trouble visits me regularly in many forms and depths.

By the end of 2019 and after much consideration, thinking, and researching I realize my husband is a narcissist, and I let that sink. By the beginning of 2020, I was still figuring out and discovering all those signs that were always there about him being narcissistic. I’ve been with him half of my life, and he darkened so many parts of me, he blurred the lines of my boundaries, he fed me fear and doubt, he harmed my self-esteem… the really hurting part is that you realize you can’t trust him anymore, he will only see for his best interest and what can he get out of you, ... No, the really scary thing is that I let that happen; I darkened myself, I blurred my boundaries, I let fear and doubt in, I harmed my self-esteem, and most importantly I didn’t trust myself. Acknowledging that, actually accepting that you harbor feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness about yourself is difficult, it’s easier to blame the narcissistic one that bullies you, but is your self-respect and your output what brings the best or the worst in other people, that I believe. So that is now, almost a year later, but around those days that felt like fear, I was blown away, I felt betrayed and deeply saddened.

Studies show that anxiety, depression, fear, causes your immune system to drop its guard, it’s easier to catch a lung infection or dis-ease when in fear or anxiety. After living through those years in a blend of anguish, stress, and pressure when working with my father, words like anxiety, or stress became meaningless, it was as if I could stand it all after that. I tend to accumulate emotions and tolerate a lot of pain, that doesn’t mean that I like it or that it is healthy, it’s just how I am. There are days when they burst out in one way or another. I wasn’t listening to my mind so my body showed to me, “atypical pneumonia” nailed me on the bed, painfully I have to say. ...When you think it can’t get darker.

I can’t say I didn’t get scared at some point, it does inevitably make you think about death, it was debilitating, something sucking your life force while you feel a sick pain coming out of the bones, and you can barely breathe. Again in that edge, in that painful lesson. The time stopped in some way, everything that was important, that had to be done, didn’t matter anymore. I felt like a worm, I couldn’t stand for myself, I couldn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t provide for myself. It was like rock bottom, It was a space where nothing matters but you, it makes you feel and think about you and what you want, what will you do when, or if, you get back what you lost, your life force.

What do you mean with well-being when you are surrounded or deep in doubt, or despair, or sadness, or just a big pile of endless work?. All that bright eye, bushy tail “New year resolutions’’... there’s no really a point if you don’t understand deeply what it is that you really want or need to change, and why, down to the core, I believe. Otherwise, it becomes one more piece of paper along with the ones of past years. I remember one of those first years in my father’s workshop, we didn’t have much to spend on food so we ate mostly eggs all the year, my mom baptized it as “the year of the egg”, so if we ever made a new year resolution was not to have another year of the egg, you know, like calling for an improvement in a wicked sarcastic way, at least we all agreed on that. We all still remember those days, everyone in their own unique way. Crazy how many versions of the same situation can be right? So many different perspectives, and depending on what you’re made of it affects you, the exact-same-thing. We are all made from different stuff. And that is good.

So, how did I get here? how do I rise, I’m not escaping, you can’t escape from things. If you don’t solve them, if you don’t understand them, if you don’t realize your part in them, they will follow you and they will present to you, again, and again, different shapes, different people but they will always be there.

Searching for answers from within the darkness:

The general recommendation for when you find yourself with a narcissist is to run. I don’t run, never, so for me, it has been a process, but once that curtain fell, once that I saw him deeper and acknowledged that other part of him, once I knew that I should care for myself and build myself up, and release a lot of crappy beliefs I carried within, things started to change around. It is now pretty difficult for him to hurt me or to “extract” something from me for his wicked pleasure. This delicious and extraordinary man, my husband, is my best friend, he is the grinding stone in my life, if it wasn’t for his incessant pushing and inflictions, I wouldn't come to realize and understand so many things about myself, and to know so much more about my capacity and strength. There is so much more to him than just about that label, and that is something he has to acknowledge and heal, it’s not for me to heal or change. So for now I do my best to tune on to the best parts of him, by caring for myself first...as he does. Another tool.

I came to understand that there are things we need from others to satisfy emotions, wantings, and needs within us, the thing I learned here is that you can’t have it all from one only individual (or one thing), there is only so much you can have from someone, we’ll always want more, so the rest is for you to find somewhere else, usually this is where it always is and should be, within. People are not meant to satisfy all your expectations and needs, your happiness is your responsibility and yours only, not your father’s, your mother’s, partners, or the government. Stop waiting for that apology, let go of your need for their appreciation, their gratitude, their approval, their leadership, stop asking for others to change in order to make you feel good. Let go of others, and what they think, and what they feel. Let go of the resentment, let go of yesterday and all that pain, appreciate what they are able to give you, love them for that, and fulfill yourself in creative ways, honor your desires, honor the best of them all. Focus on yourself, mind yourself, appreciate yourself, celebrate yourself for you got this far, for you release anyone else and anything else from the “responsibility” of making you happy.

Appreciate what they have to give and its value on your life. Some of them are grinding stones, some of them are pain, some of them are perversion, some are healing, some are work, some are darkness, some are peace. There is no bottom on the depth of one person, there is always more to discover from someone. We are expansive beings, we are always becoming. So taste it, don’t judge, let it show itself to you, like an offer for you to choose. Because we need them all, the doers, the hard workers, the obsessed, the narcissists, the religious, the loyals, the creatives, the builders, the weak, the clowns, the cruels, the generous, the teachers. We need them all to find who we are, to be clear about what we don't want and what we want. We need them to taste and try our capabilities and awaken the ones we didn’t know we had.

Being there, isolated with my family for years, in an active learning and challenging environment showed me that I can learn anything, I didn’t know what I could or couldn’t do, so there were no limitations, If a problem presented itself, we took time to find the solution, so I became solution-oriented, it’s deeply ingrained in me the knowledge that everything has a solution.

Over time I’ve found that I’m stronger than I think, we all are. There is no other way, only through, but you’ll come out of it. I came to realize that every time my heart broke it grew bigger and wiser, and it’s capable of much more. I love now more than ever, I’m clearer now more than ever. Whatever happens, don’t let your heart harden or shrink, it will shrink your vision too.

Expansion, being in that dark place of lack and anguish, only made my dreams bigger, and my desires clearer. Stand in your line, take your time, and be proud. And that usually makes you “fall out of the grace” of others. Don't hold back yourself for the sake of others.

So today and tomorrow and every day after I’ll rise and do my best to remember my resolution; that I won’t look back only forward, that I will do my work to the best of my capabilities and with love and gratitude for my life force, that my big heart goes in the forefront fearless, that I’m my own authority, that no matter what I can heal myself, that I’ll provide for myself, that I don’t know it all and that’s ok; I will find my way anyway, that there is potential for expansion in everything, that pain and darkness will make the bright times sweeter, and that we are brave and capable of taking the responsibility of our happiness in our hands while being kind and generous of spirit.

So now that it’s all up to you, and the priority is to fill your cup first, the things you want to change and why you want to change them becomes clear and easy, so, it’s easier to start new things, it’s easier to stick with them, to feel passion and purpose again, to make them new habits, to nurture them, to prioritize them. And I believe that’s how we change the world… “If you’re rooting for a thriving world, then thrive.” , and be humble, there is a hell a lot more to learn.

Peace.

T.