Our Little Black Book

I close my laptop with a sigh of relief. My little black book full of notes and scribbles still sits open on my desk. I look at the photograph to the right of my laptop, the one I look at every day. “I’m done”, I say to the image of the two of us smiling and eating ice cream: Ella with no hair and me with some sort of braid. The picture was taken the day Ella shaved her head…

“Can you come over?” Ella cried into the phone.

“Ella! What’s wrong?” I asked.

Ella pauses, “My hair started falling out today”.

I dropped my head, my heart ached for my best friend, “I’ll get mom to take me.”

I hung up the phone with Ella, and ran through the house calling for my mother.

“Amy?” She responded, “Is everything alright?”

“Ella started losing her hair today.”

“Oh honey,” she said while pulling me into a hug.

“Can you take me to see her?” I asked

She smiled down at me, “Of course”.

When we arrived at Ella’s house, I rushed upstairs to her. She was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, her back against the edge of the tub, holding a lock of long blonde hair in her hand. Ella always cared a lot about her hair, certainly more than I ever did about my own. I sat next to her on the floor. She sniffled and said, “I really didn’t think it would happen.” I nodded at her and replied, “I know. I didn’t either.”

“They said it might not happen, but…” she trailed off. There was no need to finish.

“So what do you want to do now?” I asked.

Ella took a deep breath and said, “Read me the list again.”

I pulled our little black book from my bag and read the list to her, “#10 Natalie Portman in “V for Vendetta”; #9: Anne Hathaway in “Les Miserables”; #8 Lupita Nyong’o buzzed for liberation and became an icon”, Ella nodded along as I continued reading the list, “#2 Cara Delevingne buzzed to show you didn’t need hair to be feminine and beautiful; and finally, #1 the controversial Britney Spears head shaving of 2007: Critics said it was because she had a mental breakdown, but the rest of us know it was to reclaim her power over the people who viewed her as an object. Number one always and forever is Britney, bitch.”

Ella chuckled, then said, “Okay. Let’s do it”. We called for her dad to bring us the clippers, but when Ella saw them, she began crying again.

“I’ll go first!” I said.

“No Amy! You can’t!” Ella exclaimed.

“If you’re buzzin’, I’m buzzin’” I replied.

Ella put her hand on my arm, her voice was calm and serious. “No Amy. I mean it. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I want you to keep your hair.” She smiled at my look of confusion, “You know how much I love to play with my own hair. Well, I won’t have mine, so I’ll need yours to brush,” she ran her fingers through my hair, “to braid”, she pulled a lock and twisted it. I nodded, understanding she needed this more than solidarity.

That’s how it happened. We buzzed Ella’s hair and she brushed and braided mine. Her dad told us that he thought we had both earned a well deserved ice cream and took us downtown for a treat. We talked about our plans for the future. It was decided that when we graduated high school, we would move to New York so Ella could go to the Aveda Institute for Cosmetology and I could go to Parsons for fashion design. Little did we know that Ella wouldn’t even live to start high school.

That was four years ago, now I’m a Senior and this year has been all about college and scholarships. I have applied for dozens upon dozens of scholarships and grants. I’ve entered contests and competitions aimed at high school seniors. I won a couple of small ones along the way, but last week I was informed that I won the big one: AgSaf’s Local Competition for Exceptional Seniors. A portfolio and essay competition where we express our career aspirations. I submitted a portfolio of drawings for my first fashion collection, then took it a step further and included a business plan. In my essay, I talked about Ella and our dream of moving to NYC and how even though my best friend is gone, I still want to continue the dream for both of us. It felt kind of exploitive, but I knew Ella wouldn’t mind. Now I’m taking home the grand prize of $20,000.

Tomorrow I have to give a televised speech at the “AgSaf Senior Celebration” where they’ll award me with the check to “fund my future”. I’ve been hoping for this moment since they started the contest three years ago. I began work on my fashion portfolio after they announced the first annual competition at the beginning of my sophomore year. I have diligently researched and edited to absolute perfection. The money is reason enough, but what I really want is the opportunity to speak at the celebration. For years now I’ve daydreamed about what I would say given this opportunity— not wanting to type anything up officially for fear of jinxing my chances.

Every night this week, I’ve poured over all the notes taken in my little black book; the same little black book we bought on the way to Ellas’s first chemo treatment. We wanted something to write all of our ideas in one place. It was meant to be a distraction for her, but it has become so much more to me. It has become my anchor to Ella— her handwriting mixing with mine on the pages filled with our secrets and dreams. I run my fingers over the page where she worked on perfecting her signature. This was a thing that Ella touched, that Ella made, that Ella loved. Tomorrow, however, it will be our weapon.

I arrive at the celebration with my parents wearing the dress I made for the occasion. Earlier I took a printed copy of my speech along with the photo of Ella from my desk and tucked it into the flap on the notebook. Most of my graduating class is present along with many people from our town. We spend the next hour eating hors d’oeuvres and mingling with people. Then, it’s time. The CEO of AgSaf gives a speech about the history of the company, how they started small and now their shares are traded on Wall Street. He talks about how proud they are to be part of a small town and to provide local jobs. He goes on to share all the ways AgSaf wants to give back to the community, and one of those ways is this award for exceptional seniors, and my name is coming off his lips and I’m walking out on stage. I step up to the podium. I unfold my speech, look at the photo of Ella one more time, and then I begin:

“All living creatures need three things to survive: food, water, and air. The Rule of Threes states that human beings can live for three weeks without food, three days without water, and three minutes without air. So what happens when those resources are contaminated? For years, The AgSaf Corporation has been harnessing the power of our tidal river to provide energy for production of their pesticides and herbicides. The runoff from the production of these chemicals flows back into the very same river. For years, two different neighborhoods laid down river from The AgSaf Corporation: River Ridge and Marshside. 342 people lived between those two neighborhoods before The AgSaf Corporation bought their land three years ago. Of those 342, 129 people have developed cancer, 8 of them children. Of those 8 children, 3 have died. One of them, was my best friend, Ella.

The AfgSaf Corporation provides that none of the chemicals produced in their facility have been deemed carcinogenic, but what about the byproduct chemicals produced during the manufacturing process? When you combine bleach and ammonia, the byproduct is Mustard Gas. When you combine the herbicides 24D and 245T, the byproduct is Dioxin, also known as ‘Agent Orange'. Besides cancer, residents of these two neighborhoods have experienced various health problems that span from chronic rashes to infertility.

Since Ella’s death, I have been researching and gathering samples down river from AgSaf which I have recorded in my notebook and on a blog I’ve been working on for the last three years. That blog was made public today. It is my belief that the chemicals produced in the AgSaf facility have created a new byproduct and that byproduct is carcinogenic. I also believe that AgSaf knows about this, and that’s why they offered to buy the land.

Even if I’m wrong and no carcinogens are running into our water supply, the chemicals produced still kill wildlife and vegetation and still pollute our groundwater. We pay taxes for the city to clean the water contaminated by AgSaf. Why aren’t they paying for that? The Ecosystems in our river are dying at an alarming rate and four miles from AgSaf, the river opens into the Atlantic Ocean where it’s documented that the runoff is killing the coral reefs and other marine wildlife. Last year, production of a new pesticide resulted in toxic algae blooms that killed off a dolphin pod that has lived in our local waters for generations.

According to AgSaf, this money is supposed to ‘fund my future’. Well, I believe none of us will have a future if we don’t take care of one another or our planet, and it’s time to hold corporations like AgSaf accountable for the harm they’re doing to the environment. So, that’s why I’m using this $20,000 to start the ‘Ella Davis Environmental Fund’ to raise awareness for what’s happening right here in our own community and to begin efforts to cleanup our local water supply. It won’t be enough, not nearly enough, but we have to start somewhere.”

I look up from my speech to a stunned and silent crowd.

Six Months Later

After my speech, events unfolded rapidly. I was rushed offstage and out of the building. My parents drove me home shocked and crying, expressing their pride for my bravery, but also fear of the fallout. They were probably right to worry. The next morning, news vans showed up and remained for weeks. The AgSaf Corporation made a statement declaring my accusations as “atrociously misleading” and “altogether false”. They also withdrew my eligibility for the reward sighting that my intentions for the money were different from the proposal in my submission. It was too late though, the damage was done. People from all over the country began calling to donate money, professionals in environmental science and biochemistry have asked to look over my research and volunteered to test our water supply, a couple of lawyers offered to represent us pro bono.

I know we have a long battle ahead of us, with many giants to slay. I understand that it may take years before anything has been proven or disproven, and even longer to institute change, but we have something the giants do not— our memories of loved once lost. I miss Ella every day, but thoughts of her will keep me strong and pushing for a better future. We also have each other. Their corruption has turned us into a people united and our fight has just begun. The first domino has been pushed, and It’s amazing to think it all started with two young women and one little black book.