Once One Gets Married, Love Disappears

Scarlett said when she came for assistance, "psychologist, my husband and I have known each other for more than ten years and have been dating for a long time." November marks our second anniversary of marriage. But after more than a year of marriage, maybe because we had been dating for a long time, I do not mainly experience the sweetness that someone should feel in a newlywed.

From marriage to now, the feeling of love has completely disappeared. We are strangers at home, gradually losing contact throughout our talks. Though the pressure from him and his family drives me, returning home no longer brings me delight and satisfaction. It has been going on for a protracted period. I struggle to overcome the significant obstacle in my heart even though I wish to avoid contact with him. Usually, I cry late at night. What, then, ought I to do?

How many couples suffer, Scarlett? That interests me. After many years of love, their marriage was motivated by the pressure of time and social expectations. Still, the attitude towards marriage was less optimistic than today between the two. They had to spend more time together in marriage and handle their parents-in-law. He has someone to cope with; the person he was initially with due affection has changed into the person he must deal with the weight of "him and his family." Does this type of living always last? I suppose I am relatively approachable.

Many people I have personally known from pragmatic experience have claimed that love vanished after marriage. They claimed they were used to each other. Remember that you hardly love the other person intensely.

Complete love is present day and night

First, considering her situation, I tried to define "complete love" to Scarlett. Love is beautiful and friendly; it is like a full day with day and night. Whether in movies, literature, or poetry, the love that has driven us since infancy is fundamentally the "love day" that is a song or abruptly ends at the apex of the connection between two people when two people fall in love. "The prince and the princess live happily together from now on!" is a traditional proverb once the difficulties of coexisting on the earth are gone. This kind of fairy tale ending—that of the untimely death of the target lover—allows the other person left behind to lead a contented life away from the target lover. Long years of missing the "presence" of my partner leave me feeling depressed and oddly touched.

Unlike you, me, and Scarlett, most marriages see the spouse stay (like death), so time never stops and keeps running. Love is what two people start day to night. Long-term contact will cause pleasant feelings to fade. Two people stop looking at each other; it is easy to ignore each other accidentally, so their relationship gradually fades into the common background of the two people. Giving each other specific attention enables one to be lazy and careless. After this level, neglect and carelessness that are too severe will quickly lead to conscious apathy.

Stated metaphorically, the "figure" of worry has given way to the "ground" between the two. It is not just one but rather intimately interwoven and buried in their everyday life. Under the backdrop, "lover" has changed to "family," the link is no longer apparent; it is mute. Like in parent-child love, you love your parents very much, but when you are alone and not continuously thinking about them, you may remember the feeling of love and then laugh.

After an extended period, the mutual familiarity is no longer fresh; instead, the relationship between the two at this time still contains love, but it is not like love throughout the day, which causes your heart to beat constantly. It becomes ordinary air and sunlight. You drink water daily without thinking about it; it has evolved organically.

I tried to let Scarlett understand the evolutionary course of love life. Changing partners cannot enable one to break out from the evening of love.

A marriage creates a new family and a living community

Then, I made Scarlett understand that marriage before and after has quite different meanings. It is not as simple as having been together for an extended period before marriage and then discovering nothing new after marriage. Apart from the emotional sense, marriage alters the shape of love and develops a new family; in this society, the husband and wife have family responsibilities and time to fulfil. But Scarlett's words made her realise her husband and her were apart. Your country is one; her spouse and his family come from another. This new family feels in danger.

The initially integrated living community of husband and wife is not one anymore; instead, one can say "you" and "him and his family." this phenomenon is not because the husband has not "run away" emotionally from his family of origin and has come to the marital family to "reunite."Two units, that is to say, after marriage, you and your husband should be a couple facing "his family" jointly. First, let your husband know about the changes in your relationship and whether the original union has become a couple. One homogenous life community? If such is the case, why was this unit split in two? Why is this newly created family not flourishing? Once clear, decide on whether to divide. See psychologists several times if necessary to assist in clarity.