On the other side of #MeToo

Opener

Very few men consider themselves bad people. Creeps. Abusers of women. Imagining that your own behaviour could be viewed by anyone as 'disgusting' is shocking and deeply mortifying. As we consider where the #Metoo movement may lead us, we have to consider how behaviour toward women is modelled to boys by adults, how behaviour change happens, how long it can take and how this knowledge informs our approach to protecting and empowering women.

I'm a man that has been very successful with women. When I was young, I was attractive and charming and as I've aged I've honed my capacity to listen and have a true love of the way women are. I admire the strength, resilience and intelligence, all so often wrapped in a layer of gentle consideration and kindness. I'm romantic, gentle and kind, while remaining adventurous and some would say, witty.

Despite my admiration and disposition, being raised in the 70s predisposed me to viewing women through a particular lens. I believe strongly that in order to educate for change, the lens through which different generations see gender must be considered, as we rapidly (and crucially) change western expectations around relating to women.

Though I was never of the group of men who's mode was to bed as many women as possible, I was rarely one to hold back from opportunity and I was priveledged to ... (it's funny, we can say, befriend but there is no singe word as descriptive for gaining a girlfriend... Begirlfriend?) partner with several radiant beauties over my lifetime, which as made aging more difficult. As we lose our looks, naturally our desirability drops, yet our own desires remain exactly the same and our mature taste for beauty does not change as quickly. Hence we can become 'dirty old men' if we are not highly self aware.

In the mid 80s, When I was in my late teens and early 20's I really 'discovered' women. My old man thought that because I played guitar and sat in dark rooms with a mate listening to Pink Floyd, I must be gay and he made a point of telling my friends and I just that: Repeatedly. That humilation, along with some brutal and years long school bullying kneejerked me into bringing home just as many girls as could be persuaded and I was demonstrative and sometimes even cruel, in the bragging about my 'conquests'. I was shouting my sexuality to the world.

Disgusting phrases about women were common at this time and though I was raised relatively well, it was rural north coast Australia. Though I didn't speak these phrases out loud, I'd laugh along with others. Hanging around town with friends, we would assess the physical details of each and every girl we walked by, till we made even ourselves kind of sick. I'd gain an erection merely with a change of wind direction. The drive to 'get with a girl' was all consuming.

Liz was sweet on me. She invited me over to hers. We lay together kissing. I'd had my mouth on breasts probably about twice by that time so I was extremely attentive. I was still a virgin, maybe 19. I seem to recall being on the floor, maybe on a futon. There was a sheet over her. Underneath, she was wearing bicycle shorts. I was undaunted and certainly didn't take this as any kind of hint. I was squeezing my hand in there, no matter the obstacle. Sexually we didn't go far and on the drive home that night I was so worked up I had to stop by the side of the road, get out of the car and standing like a mad person saluting the moon with my penis, take the few seconds needed to orgasm. A week or so later she was sulking about something so while I visited a mate, she stayed in the car or so I thought. I spilled intimate detail about our dalliance, including details that were really not mine to share. As it happened she heard all of it. I felt horribly guilty for sharing this detail. It was a low act and even then I could see how deeply destructive that breaking of trust always is. Driven by that need to signal loudly my 'straightness', yet without the tempering of a social atmosphere (like that of today) that would modify my behavour.

Decades later I contacted her and apologised in all the ways 'adult me' could find, for the boy who had shown her such disregard.

In 1996, 29 years old, I went to Japan to stay with a friend teaching on the JET program. 3 months and some of the best memories of my life. I met a Japanese American girl there. She was super smart and just gorgeous. We all went to this party together and at one point I just grabbed her and kissed her. I didn't know how she was going to react, we were talking and laughing and I just did it. I remember a few minutes after, her saying to a friend: "Did you see that?! He just kissed me!" How would a girl in her twenties respond today? Would this be attempted sexual assult? Within a half hour we had excused ourselves, found a quiet room and were having sex and after a very intense courting period, got engaged. Then un-engaged. She wanted to live in the US. I didn't.

Skip to married me, several years later. Though the new wife and I were like a hive mind, running businesses and really being very successful as a couple, sexually we were completely different. We would go six months at a stretch without having sex - even in the early years when my eldest was really little. She liked porn but only lesbian porn. Would not even look at a guy. We had sex with her girlfriend a couple of times, till they fell out over something or other. Trying to get her out of her head and into her body was a chore. On and off for most of the relationship we actively sought another woman to bring into the picture for her/us to enjoy. This idea would wax and wane with her but my sexual frustration was pretty consistent so I was more active in this pursuit. Often I would get this journey wrong, posting pictures of her on adult dating sites to attract a girl, against her wishes. Nothing ever eventuated but this behaviour was a key factor in our demise.

Toward the end of our decade together around 2014, we went to a party. Our second son was still tiny and not sleeping. We were living on one inconsistent wage in four rooms with an outdoor toilet. WE met our wealthy bank manager and she began an affair of sorts. She was in such a depressive state I decided to allow it. It also allowed me freedoms though I didn't pursue them. Anyway this was his party. Apartment under the harbour bridge. Lots of swank. We both got quite drunk. She was all over him and I recall putting my hand, first against the hand of the woman standing next to me and then - as she seemed to go with it - on her hip and then her ass. I whispered in her ear that she was beautiful and probably put some moves on her to go further, but never did. I believe she left early and I can't help wondering now if she left because of me.

My wife eventually began trawling 'seeking arrangement type websites. After finally asking her to stop the affair - which had become pretty serious - she announced that she wanted to "Have sex with men for money." She also concluded that she was not suited to parenthood and left us to become an escort. Something she does to this day. My kids were 7 and 2.

Over the decades, the world has changed around me, as it does each and every one of us. In the 70's and even into the 80's young gay men here in Sydney were being tossed off the cliffs into the sea to die. Just for being who they were. Men were disgusted at the idea of Women surfers and yet really happy about them going topless. "Sleeping your way to the top" was a phrase so common for women climbing the corporate ladder, no one thought twice about using it.

Today though, it's completely different. When my delightful son was 9, he Skyped me from the next room, announcing "Daddy, I'm gay... We'll talk about it in the morning". My dad would have punched me in the face and humiliated me: every.single.day. from that day forward. I just said to him, "Kiddo, you do you. Talk to me about anything you like." I asked him about it recently, as he's 13 now and he said simply "Grey area..." I love that kid.

In the six years since my divorce I have experienced both an emotional and a sexual roller coaster. My experience of women today runs the gamut of approaches to dating. I have twice been a victim to Tinder Food stamps*, I've had women too timid to even identify themselves let alone meet and have had others turn up on my doorstep for immediate and honestly pretty hardcore sex, never having met. When asking innocently for a 'few more images' of a girl, I've been sent full frontal masturbation videos, no imagination necessary. I've had women my age use me to scratch their sexual itch and then vanish and I've had a girl half my age want to move in, marry and raise my kids. There have been girls just out of school want to meet me in public so I can tell them to strip and pee themselves. Girls online who want guys to tell them "What you want to do to me", and if indulged, vanish the moment they are satisfied. Women who act interested because I posted a photo in a suit then vanish when they realise I'm not wealthy. I've had my heart broken very badly and I'm not sure I will ever recover.

Yet strangely I don't feel that women are disgusting. Abusers who take advantage. Today I'm a vocal advocate for women executives. I believe in equal pay and have always paid women equally to men given the opportunity. I don't wolf whistle out of cars, nor do I touch innappropriately or make suggestive comments to women I'm not dating. Though from time to time I find myself in the company of wildly attractive young women, I don't ask if they are single, ask for their social media or enquire about anything personal.

And yet this still happend to me...

I was asked by a professional collegue to assist for a day on a competition for schools. I've had several years training external courses for schools without incident. During the event I met a mother and daughter who were also volunteering and without any intention or manouvering on my part, spent the better part of the day with the daughter, who was a teacher of 26. Though I was drawn to her company, on several occasions I actively moved away from her so we would not be paired for activities.

She was a wonderful woman. Lively and musically creative, something we shared. She actively engaged with me actoss the day. Over lunch we discussed a range of topics. I spoke about my kids, that I have them full time, about being the primary parent and in answer to the inevitable 'why?', said that "she decided that she wasn't a parent." We shared musical influences and I mentioned several I thought she may like. We both play instruments. Without prompting, she asked if I had instagram, handed me her phone and asked me to connect with her. I felt I had made a genuine new friend as I have done many times with women in the past, women who remain friends across decades.

A while later I looked at her Instagram feed, noting that she appeared to be gay. To have a current girlfriend. When she was leaving I said to her "Listen, I'm not hitting on you, because, you know, old guy... I just think you are cool. If you would like to hang out, you are welcome to come over. I can make a meal," blah blah. Later I mentioned to the friend who invited me to the event - who has a gay daughter - that she was lovely, apparently has a girlfriend and made me long for younger days. That afternoon, on instagram, As agreed, I shared the musicians I had mentioned and said I thought she was wonderful.

A while later I noted she had disconnected. It felt odd but I didn't think to pursue it. People do what they do. No point concerning one's self.

What followed was so traumatic for me I still am having trouble processing it.

The head of the organisation - my friends' business partner - had been abused in the past. Though the event was technology based she had made it all about the empowerment of women. This is wonderful but indicative of what was to transpire.

I was reported to the organisers for inappropriate behaviour and banned from any further connection to the organisation. The organiser asked many people attenting that day what they had experienced of me and began to build a case. Many details had been skewed. I was suddenly a creep of the worst kind. Language was used to imply peadophile leanings and I'm sure many of the female students were asked if I had acted inappropriately with them.

In the course of defending myself, laying out the evidence I've laid out here, this organiser went further, talking to more people, effectively 'outing' me to dozens of individuals (and schools) and potentially damaging who-knows-what in my future.

I am not a man who would knowingly harm a woman. I don't say dirty, demeaning or belittling things to them. I don't believe them to be inferior or to be 'kept in their place'. I will always defend a woman who appears to be in harms way. I have never taken advantage of a woman who was intoxicated or suffering emotionally and have never raised my hand to one. Yet now I feel a deep shame, just for being me. For feeling like it's ok to be friends with a younger woman.

It goes deeper than second guessing ourselves around women. Society has also traumatised men around children. I enjoy being around children and I could see myself as a teacher of younger kids. I imagine finding deep satisfaction in this, but I'm terrified of being alone with them (except my own of course). I'm not willing to take the risk of being accused of something. I believe many men feel this way and this is a detriment to our society.

Is it possible to create a world where everyone behaves the way everyone else wants them to? Seeing that in writing just seems so ludicrous. So considering this is unlikely, how do we manage men who behave badly? Men who makes mistakes of judgement. How does society modify behaviour while still allowing room for a man to be a man with a woman, in the way that women want us to be?

Things are improving, but it takes time and in the meantime, perhaps we can be more gentle with each other and be considered in our judgement of men as they try to navigate a rapidly changing landscape.

*Tinder food stamps - why pay when you can get a stranger to do it. https://www.theurbanlist.com/a-list/tinder-is-the-new-way-to-eat-for-free-for-a-week