On Life

I am often left in the same place.

The place where darkness resides and everything seems hopeless because there is no way out. Except there always is a way out, I’m just so blinded by the pain and consumed in the feeling that the escape is unobtainable to me. It’s as though I want this.

I do not understand why it happens to me. Never do I ever want to play the role of the victim. I’m too prideful for that yet I always end up pitying myself. Feeling sorry for myself that no one else has come to know how great I am. I do not mean any of this in a narcissistic connotation. Everybody has something that is great about them because everybody is unique. Everybody is their own person.

And everybody has that other person that recognizes their greatness. Of course it is one thing to bask in your own glory. Before you can graduate to the elite club of non-singleness, you must first come to love yourself. You have to recognize your own greatness first before you can even think about realizing somebody else’s.

Though it is nice; when you can share that with somebody else. And not just anybody. Somebody that is on your same level of greatness. As I’ve said before, everybody is unique meaning that everybody has their own little things about them.

Oftentimes, people group together with other people of the same likeness. The same level of attractiveness, the same level of intrigue, the same level of pain, the same level of life.

That is one of the most rare things that you can find.

So rare that often, we will mistake somebody for fulfilling that role. We believe that they are it. They are the missing piece that we need to feel completed. That missing piece that we want to have to share and savor in our own accomplishments. For a while, it will feel as though we are in a state of pure bliss. A state of constant happiness. A state of invincibility.

Though that is one of the most unfortunate aspects of life.

Because eventually, it will be discovered. You will realize that you were mistaken. Doing wrong is one of the most monumental anomalies of the human. We are made to feel as though we can never do any wrong and that we will never make mistakes. Though when we do, abnormalities result. And sometimes we are not well equipped to handle these abnormalities.

Cope.

That is something humans consistently fail at. Coping. We will try our best to fill the new void that has formed once our mistake has left us. We were once feeling whole. But now again, we feel broken. And when you have something in your grasp that makes you feel like you can conquer the world . . . we do not do well when it is taken away.

We are taught to never let our happiness reside within another person. Why? Because people are temporary. People leave. People will not be there to pick up your shattered heart and piece it back together. It is another mistake that humans make when they believe this is something that can help.

We yearn to feel happiness. The human is selfish in that way. We are constantly seeking a feeling. Some people believe that feeling can be found with items. With green pieces of paper. With substances. With things that we consume. With people.

It can only be found within.

Within ourselves.

The only person that is permanent in our lives is ourselves.

Then again, happiness isn’t really a feeling after all. It is a state of mind. A state of being.

The word lonely is another creation of a mistake made up by the human language.

Oftentimes it is misused.

We can only feel loneliness when we lose ourselves.

And sometimes, we do. We are imperfect. And it is hard to believe that any breathing organism on Earth is a product of perfection.

Though again, to find ourselves we cannot rely on others. That is where we go wrong again.

The pain I feel now is because I tried to find myself in another.

I relied on him to make me feel whole. To make me feel alive because after being scared and stressed and sad for so long that is all I wanted.

To feel alive.

And nothing else did it besides being with him.

Of course I am naïve. A woman of only twenty two years being present on this earth. Of course I am not old and wise.

But the past experiences that I’ve had with others made me feel much older than that. And I thought . . . no I was nearly certain that this time I would vow to not make the same mistakes.

And I believe that I have done just that.

When we do find another that we believe is going to be good for us, we cannot help the past experiences that they have had.

And more times than not, it is these past experiences that weigh heavily on the decisions that they make in regards to being with you.

Is that right? No of course not.

But they cannot help it.

We all cannot help it.

Another curse of the human mind. Our subconscious.

Do we at time realize this subconscious? Of course it is brought to our attention.