Old Beginnings, New Endings

Hello! my name is Michael, I’m a Stubborn 28-year-old male and an habitual over thinker. an outgoing Introvert. I also don’t take life too seriously, and love to make people laugh with my humor, puns, and sarcastic wit. Above all else I’m a dreamer and helpless romantic, Who is a widowed father of an adorable 15 month old son. My story begins with the “ending” of my wonderful marriage, but first some back story.

A little over 8 years ago during a chilly January I met Alexandra in a Wal-Mart one evening, I was with one of my friends and his friend. As we were in the checkout line a Cute brunette walks up to my friend seemingly out of nowhere and says hi to him. Come to find out, they have mutual friends. She was outside with her friends riding the kiddie sized carousel horses. Mind you I was 19 at the time and she was 17. I thought she was adorable. At this age though anyone who knew me can tell you I WAS NOT GOOD with the ladies. I was extremely shy with no confidence and had only gotten my first kiss a year prior to this. My friend invited her and their mutual friend to his birthday party he was having later that month. I went to his party, and there was only a few of us there. The two girls hadn’t shown up yet. I was getting pretty bored and I had just gotten into a Beta for an online game, so i decided i was going to go home and play. As I was walking towards the front door my friend had gotten a call from the girls saying they were on their way. This is the moment in my life when looking back makes me whole heartily believe in the butterfly effect. What would my life had been like had I left just 5 or even 1 minute earlier? The fact remains though that I didn’t, and we had a great time that night. We just seemed to hit it off on just about every topic. from music,books,religion, we disagreed on a few things of course, but that’s just human. Fast forward a bit, Alexandra and I or Alex as most people called her, got to the point where we talked almost every single night on an ancient device called AIM (or Aol instant Messenger for those of you born before the internet.) we never seemed to run out of things to talk about. eventually my “AIM” was to get closer to this young woman a bit more. Me Alexandra my friend that introduced us, would go up to Orlando every weekend and stay Friday and Saturday nights at their mutual friends college housing apartment. who eventually i became friends with. we would go see movies, play mini golf, go bowling. one thing we ALWAYS did was go eat krystal burgers. these weekend trips went on for a few months. I was the only one with the vehicle at the time, so i always drove up there. one weekend it was just me and Alex going to Orlando to stay with our friend. I remember telling myself. “okay Michael this weekend you need to make your move on her.” i had multiple opportunities and this is where my over thinking kicked in. it was always (if i try to kiss her will she pull away and not want to see me ever again? if i tell her i like her will she not feel the same and it would just make it awkward from there on out? if try to get to close will she get creeped out and not want to hangout with us anymore?) that’s just a sample of my over thinking which still goes on nowadays about many subjects, but i am working on it. On the drive home though maybe about 20 to 30 minutes before getting home, i told myself (just grab her hand and hold it.) by this time the butterflies were about to pop out of every orifice I have. i did it though and she tried to pull away, but i kept with it. She smiled and said these are four words which I will never forget hearing. “You stole my hand.” I replied with a simple “yep” and smiled. The butterflies disappeared.

in late 2007 Alexandra and I moved out together with one of other mutual friends as a roomate. and by 2009 we were living alone together and that’s when i decided it was time to pop “THE” question. Are you ready for a cute and silly proposal story? So I can’t remember the exact proposal date (typical men..) but i remember that day like it was last sentence i just wrote. So we had talked about marriage before and that she didn’t want anything extravagant. one day my friend and I were going to go play a round of golf and she had asked while she was at work that night if i could go get a “promise ring” she wanted one of those .25 cent rings you’d get from those red turnstiles in the mall. i said sure of course. so we left to go play golf and she went to work. There was something special about this day from the get go. i ended up playing the best round of golf i had ever played! the very first hole i chipped in for a birdie from off the green. and a few holes later i chipped in again for par! anyways, we got done playing and headed to the mall, exhausted dehydrated and sun burnt, but i had to go get that plastic ring. my friend and I spent about 3 dollars in quarters trying to find a ring, but they were all just too small for her finger. Disheartened i gave up and started heading out of the mall. when i saw a jewelry store. i told my friend “I’ll just get a cheap ring now, and get a real proposal ring later.” my friend said “dude if you get a ring in there, that’s THE ring.” he was right. and cue the butterflies! (see a theme yet?) i went in there and found the perfect ring. i knew what kind she always wanted White gold and sapphire. so with a deep breath and a lighter wallet. we left. Now my friend had called his mom telling her what i had just bought and she was super excited because she loved Alex (everyone did) she started brainstorming ideas on how I should propose. now she had dared me to do this, I wont tell you what her idea was, ill just tell you as it happened. Alex and I both worked at the same grocery store, she up at the customer service desk and me on the sales floor. she was getting ready to go to break and she had been texting me wanting a bloomin onion from outback, that was her favorite thing to eat besides pepsi and chicken. i told her my friend and i would pick her up. I walk into the store, and there she is right up front messing with a vending machine because a product had gotten stuck. i walked right by her. she looked baffled that i didn’t even say hi, my friend following in tow. I walked into the office and picked up the phone and paged so the whole store could hear and said with the butterflies making my voice shake. “this is Michael Bryan and I was wondering if Alexandra would do me the honor of marrying me.” I hung up the phone and walked back out to where she was. My friend ran up to me “SHE DIDN’T HEAR YOU!” shocked i didn’t know what to do. everything was silent except for the muzak blaring overhead. All eyes were shifting between her still fumbling about with the vending machine and the awkward, confused, and hopefully soon to be engaged young man. So i improvised walked over to her and when i got on one knee she finally realized what was happening. she said “yes of course! get up I’m hungry.” then the audience clapped and cheered. and we left for that bloomin onion.

Early March 2013 Alexandra found out she was pregnant. We weren’t necessarily trying to have a kid, but were at the point that if it happened it would be great! it took a long while for me to come around to the idea of a kid, but marriage will wear you down eventually. not in a bad way. Well, okay maybe sometimes, but this was something she wanted. In marriage you must have compromises. I know you’re thinking a kid is something to compromise with? Well I loved her and it never crossed my mind to be with anyone else. Besides i liked the idea of eventually laughing at our son as he runs to third base instead of first when playing tee-ball. Needless to say we were excited. Alexandra had a roller coaster of a pregnancy all the way until the birth. Our son Bennett was due December 21st 2013. On December 9 Alex and I went to the hospital because she was very sick, it ended up being pneumonia they kept her there for 2 nights just to be safe. the morning of the 11th, they decided it was best to induce labor. I won’t get into details, but it was a long struggle, and that woman, my beautiful wife fought so hard, and she finally gave birth to our son. it was an amazing experience. There were nothing but smiles to go around and a demand for a pepsi for which I immediately obliged. They had to take Bennett to the NICU or (neonatal intensive care unit) because they couldn’t keep his temperature up, but nothing else too serious. Alex eventually got moved into the recovery room still sick and needing oxygen to help her breathe. After a short nap, i went home to gather a few things, clothes toiletries etc. while i was gone, they had brought Bennett up to see Alex. she was texting me sooo excited and happy. I went back to the hospital to stay with her that night i ended up getting us dinner I got one of her favorite meals. Chicken tenders, steak fries, and a pepsi. Little did we know, this would be her last meal…

The following morning after everything had seemed perfect we did all the paperwork for Bennett his name and our names as the parents. Alex was still having trouble taking in oxygen, they tried different types of devices to get more into her, but it just wasn’t working. The doctor decided it was best to move her into the ICU. now i have my son and wife in intensive care. i thought okay well nothing seems to be too serious. in her new room i stood there as doctors tried to get her to breathe. we ended up having to go with the final solution. breathing tubes which put her on life support. I remember the last words I’d ever hear from her. “i can’t breathe.” i was then told to leave the room while they performed the surgery. So by this time the family members and friends had been informed. and by that night. things were very grim. We were told she had a condition called ARDS (Acute respiratory distress syndrome) which has a high mortality rate. and on top of this she still had pneumonia. That night i was scared for her life. seeing her the way she was, was not the way i expected things to be. especially after seeing her seemingly fine just 24 hours earlier. I ended up staying the night in her room, attempting to sleep in a recliner. That room would come to be my home for the next 5 weeks.

Week 1 Perplexity:

During the first week I was shocked, dumbfounded, and confused. How could this happen? going from the best day in my life to the worse day of my life back to back. I just didn’t understand. Day after day i went back and forth from the ICU with Alex and the NICU for Bennett. For 6 days I was in autopilot, sometimes forgetting to eat or drink. I’d stay up late and wake up early. at some point i think i was waiting for daryl from the walking dead to come and take me out. everyone kept telling me “you need to take care of yourself. get some rest, make sure you eat and drink plenty of water.” how could I? I didn’t care about myself, my world was incapacitated while i was sitting waiting and hoping. No one could understand what i was going through. on the 6th day, Bennett was cleared to go home. well I couldn’t take him back to our apartment and watch him and be with Alex at the same time. So Bennett ended up staying with my parents. Everyday I’d wake up from the hospital room get updates on Alex, go home to our apartment which was an almost 30 minute drive and then stop by my parents house to be with Bennett which was between the hospital and my apartment. Burning the candle at both ends.

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week 2: Continuum

During this week there were no real changes with Alex. improvement in some areas worse in others. I was still in autopilot. The hospital provided a small bed for me to stay in the room with her. Wasn’t very easy to sleep of course. Nurses coming in and out to check on her. and my well hidden panic kept me pretty awake. I repeated the pattern of leaving the hospital in the morning, going to the apartment for a bit, going to my parents house and being with Bennett, and then back to the hospital. Some nights I’d stay with Bennett. It was heart wrenching I felt like i was abandoning Alex when i wasn’t with her, but felt the same when I wasn’t with Bennett. How does a husband and new father choose between the two?

week 3: Lightning strikes twice

So my father had been pretty ill the last year and a half at this point. getting gangrene and ending up having his right leg amputated up to his knee. So my wonderful mother was trying to help take care of him and my son at the same time. we did have some family friends that lived close by so they were a more than amazing help to us. On Friday January 4th my father was put into the same hospital as Alex. My father and my wife were in opposite ends of the hospital. Nothing seemed to serious with him, and Alex and shown some minor improvements! the morning of the 6th I got woken up by a nurse and i thought they were going to give Alex another x-ray so I would have to leave the room. The nurse had looked into my weary tired eyes and he said while putting a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Michael, but your father passed away about an hour ago. Your mom was informed and is on her way here. they have someone watching your son.” In disbelief I said “ok” and put my shoes on and was led to where he began his eternal rest. It was surreal seeing him like that. I always looked up to him. So assertive and strong-willed, he knew how to get things done from time to time, and provided for our family. He was always there for me when and if i needed him. he was also the one I got my humor from. I was the last one in my family to see him alive, and it was only about 8 hours earlier. He always cared for others, and he loved Alex like his own daughter. I remember him getting upset because she wasn’t getting any better. I’m grateful he was able to spend at least some time with his grandson whom he loved dearly.

week 4: A new hope! and a funeral..

After my father had passed, it was, of course a big shock to our family. I had all sorts of family come down from many places to come pay respects. This whole time I’m trying to stay strong and put on a brave face for everyone. I hadn’t gotten a haircut or shaved since Alex Went under. I looked like in was in the process of devolving back into a neanderthal. In reality i was devastated. I was surrounded by loved one who were all trying to comfort me. It was very nice of them and i understand what they were trying to do, but all I really wanted was to be left alone with Alex. At this point with so many people around I knew Bennett would be well taken care of. Back at the hospital Alex’s condition was improving! Finally, there was that elusive silver lining in this Hollywood story. for 3 days straight she started to improve and I could actually smile again. Everything was going to be okay I thought. Until the next day. This is when Alex started her final wrap around on this spiral we call life.

week 5: Tragedy and Blasphemy

So this week was just full of sheer panic, hope, and anger. My friend and I had called several other hospitals to see if Alex could get transferred to a hospital with better equipment and care. Why I didn’t try to do this earlier on is something I’ll always regret and carry with me, because there’s that “what if?” factor. I know people say i shouldn’t do that to myself, much easier said than done. As much as we tried there was really nothing we could do except hope and pray. 4 days after my father’s funereal on a cold Sunday January the 19th became what would probably my biggest to date and probably lifetime watershed moment. I was out to an early dinner with a couple of friends, just to try to keep myself distracted when i called the nurse that was watching over Alex at the time to see how she’s doing. I was told her blood pressure and heart rate were getting very low. there was nothing they could do. those damned butterflies came back, but his time it was nervousness for losing a loved one, not hoping to get close to someone to be in love with. as i headed toward the hospital i called my family and told them what was going on. After I had gotten there I was put on the phone with the main doctor and was told “(sigh..) Mr. Bryan I’m so sorry, but I’ll be surprised if she makes it through the night.” getting choked up, I replied “I know.” I had seen this coming for about 4 days now. I remember looking at her monitor and watching her vitals slowly get lower and lower. I was told i could go into a small room if I wanted to be alone. For the first time in my young life i Actually prayed. I really really prayed. to god and even the devil himself. i offered myself in place of her, or even take me when Bennett turned 18 so I could at least influence him and give him enough guidance to be on his with his own life. About 20 minutes later, i walk back into her room. This is the part where i see images flash every day. I saw her once beautiful slightly pale white skin turn into a cold blue pale. I sat and watched. She flat lined. the doctors and nurses came rushing in trying to resuscitate her. on the second try I mindlessly stood up, walked over and told them to stop. She was gone, it was at that moment that I began to question faith. Of all people in this world why would “God” take her? a new mother who was just amazing to everyone and loved everyone? when you have mothers burying their two-year olds in the woods, or driving their van full of kids into the ocean. It just didn’t make sense. I walked out of the room into a hallway full of family and friends and wordlessly hugged Alex’s mother. I remember seeing her father sliding down the wall sitting down with his hands in face. I felt like I had let everyone down. I was Alex’s biggest support in her life and I could do nothing for her. and now I could do nothing for her family. I then had to go make a lot of phone calls to tell her friends that weren’t there and tell them what had happened. It was the single most hardest thing I will probably ever have to do in my life.

It’s been almost a year and a half now since I became a widower. Life is very different now. After all my relatives had left to go back to their normal lives in the wake of the tragedy, It was just Me, my mother, and 6 week old Bennett. I ultimately ended up moving back in with my mom. What other choice did i have? she had been watching him since the beginning and there was no way I’d be able to go back to work drop him off at her house, especially since i worked the graveyard shift at the time. Besides I never was around kids growing up, let alone babies. So being with my mom is a HUGE help. Now throughout the year I was of course extremely depressed, angry, and for the most part in autopilot for a long while. I really can’t remember much from the day Alex passed up until i moved back into my childhood home. It was all a blur. I went out with friends and did things to try to keep myself distracted, but it was as if a physical part of me was gone. Phantom pain if you will. Laying in bed at night has probably been the worst of it for me. even today it’s still tough. when you’re so used to somebody being there when you go to bed and when you wake up. When they’re not there anymore, it eats at you. That Physical and emotional comfort that comes with the physical is no longer there. I looked to my right at night, and there’s nothing. I looked to my left, and there’s her urn, a Picture of her, and many mementos that describe her. So no matter which way I turned I’d see her physically or mentally. We together and married young, so basically my entire adult life growing up was with a significant other. We both grew into the Adults together. We learned from each other, supported each other in our individual lives and career paths, among many other experiences in young adult lives. That was now gone.

So after this very long read and introduction of myself and past life, I bet you’re wondering okay so what is the purpose of this blog? I’ve done a lot of introspection and retrospection and I feel that I have learned more about relationships in this past year of Alex being gone than I did in the almost 8 years I was with her. Also I’ve learned a lot more about myself.

My main goal with this blog is for young adults to give advice and an ear for people in relationships, who are widowed, or even single and I will be the mediator giving my own input posting daily or weekly tips. I’m not saying because of my experience I’m better than everyone else at relationships. I’m slowly getting back into the dating world and I feel like I crawled out from under a rock and I’m wide-eyed. I never really did the “dating scene” so it is new to me. I got unfathomably lucky to find Alex so young and to have a very stable and loving relationship. So my hope is to maybe help people find or keep their “Alexandra”