Now I'm Over 50, I'm Too Fussy For Online Dating

Today, I want to talk about the issues I personally have using online dating apps to try to find some love in my life. To set the scene about how my life currently is, I’m a 53-year-old man, and I’m single. I’ve never been married, and I’ve never had kids.

When I was in my twenties, I thought I had my whole life ahead of me, so finding the perfect woman and settling down wasn’t a major concern for me. Then, in my thirties, I started working as a subcontractor, which often meant being away from home several nights a week and staying in hotels, so relationships were hard.

Now I find myself at 53 years old, still having to cope with meeting women and dating. Don’t get me wrong, dating apps certainly make life a little easier, but even online dating isn’t as easy at 53 as it was at 33, when I first tried it. At 53, you have less options than you did in your 30s.

Let’s get one thing out of the way up front, I don’t want kids, either my own or somebody else’s. Kids are just more annoying versions of adults, and I don’t have a lot of patience for adults.

So, I’m 50 years old, trying to find a woman in a similar age range, who also doesn’t have kids. That’s a pretty small selection pool.

To make matters worse, I don’t want to date somebody who smokes. When I was younger, I had friends who smoked, but now I don’t want to be in the situation where every night out with my partner involves either sitting by myself while she nips outside for a fag, or spending half the night stood in the car park just to be a good partner. So, that crosses even more women off the ever-dwindling list.

What other ways can I find to ensure that I end up spending the rest of my life alone?

Well, I enjoy playing video games. There’s a way to alienate even more women.

I’ve been playing video games since I was about 10 years old though. That’s 40 years, so I’m not going to change now. It’s just what I do.

What else can I come up with to eliminate the remaining women from the potential dating list?

Well, I hate camping. That seems to be a popular hobby for middle-aged women, but the idea of sleeping in a muddy field and defecating into a bag doesn’t do it for me. I’m sorry.

On the subject of camping, music festivals seem to be very popular amongst middle-aged women too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a massive music fan who absorbs almost nerd-like levels of information about bands I like. However, sleeping in a muddy field and having to share a portable toilet with ten thousand other people kind of takes the shine off the gig.

The list grows ever shorter.

It really is a minefield. You find yourself considering things you really didn’t think of when you were 25.

She likes reality shows? Sod that!

West End musicals? No, not for me!

Then, you get women who say, “I love to laugh!”

Is that something that really needs to be said? Doesn’t everybody love to laugh? Are there people who think, “I really hate to laugh?” If there are then the World is a scarier place than I thought.

There’s even film of Hitler playing with his dog with Eva Braun, and he’s laughing while he’s doing it. So, if even Hitler loved to laugh, you’re not really setting yourself up to a very high standard by putting “I love to laugh” in your dating profile. All you’re really saying is, “well, at least I’m not more evil than Hitler!”

Yeah, she sounds nice. What a catch!

I’m so bad at this now that I even find myself looking in the background of women’s photos to see if there are any warning signs. I’m not talking bloody axes or bottles of formaldehyde though. If I see a drawer that’s not closed properly because there are clothes jammed in it, that’s a red flag for me. It’s even worse if they’re also all over the floor.

She’s messy. She’s a messy woman.

If I see plastic carrier bags scattered around the kitchen, that’s another one. Why aren’t they in the designated bag drawer?

It’s a struggle.

When you’re young, you don’t worry about that shit. You assume she’ll grow out of things, but if she’s reached her forties and still hasn’t learnt to close a drawer properly, she’s never changing!

So, this is where I find myself today. A fussy, middle-aged man who’s stuck in his ways, trying to click with a fussy, middle-aged woman who’s also stuck in her ways. That’s like going on the London Underground during rush hour and trying to find somebody who’s not angry, whilst at the same time beating them with a stick.

By the way, if there are any middle-aged, non-psychotic women reading this, I’m a good person really. Give me a chance.