Never Let them see you cry 😢

When I was a kid I worked as a set production assistant on the movie kindergarten Cop. Jason Reitman (the Director of Juno) and I were the only kids working as a crew. Jason is two years younger than myself so when not working I would often be in charge. We would run around the studio playing games and illegally driving golf carts as we were both under legal driving age.

Aside from circling around every department on set and learning as much as I could, I was also responsible for getting lunch for the Director and the Producers every day and taking said lunch to dailies. Which in all honesty was a highlight of my day. I loved sitting in on dailies and watching all the different takes which had been filmed the day before.

What I did not enjoy was having to ask the Teamsters to drive me to the different restaurants to pick up the lunches every day. Teamsters are the union drivers for films and movies studios. They’ve always reminded me of our own type of mafia. Nobody ever wants to mess with the Teamsters. God forbid you ask them to work. Which is exactly what I had to do every day. They hated me! And they were often grumpy and mean.

I was only 15 and a girl. I don’t remember exactly what happened I just remembered that I finally broke down in tears one day. I was hiding (or so I thought) under a ladder on a big soundstage. Production was filming on the other end of the soundstage so I thought I was pretty quiet and well hidden but I was wrong. All of a sudden I hear an Austrian accent saying “What are you doing? Why are you crying?” I looked up and it was Schwarzenegger looking at me with one eyebrow up. I start to explain while blubbering 😭 that I had been yelled at by a Teamster and all I wanted to do was my job etc. etc. Arnold looks at me and says “yeah but don’t cry here, go cry in the trailer!” I sniffled out an OK and went on my way. I went and sat in Arnold’s trailer while he was filming on set and thought about how best to deal with the Teamsters. I had to be tough. After all The food that needed to be picked up was for the Director & Producers. Also my mother was the executive assistant to the Director of the film and much like the Teamsters no wanted to mess with her either. I simply had to find a diplomatic way to remind them all of that. And I did. That was the end of my Teamster problems.

Arnold didn’t actually say it but I took his words to mean never let them see you cry. Ever since that day I pretty much had stopped letting most people see me cry. Not as a rule, it just became a habit. Now that I’m older I wonder if it’s a healthy or unhealthy old adage to live by. When a guy recently attempted to break my heart or make me feel some type of way to get a reaction. I didn’t show that I was hurt by his words. Leaving him to think that I was unbothered and unaffected. When in actuality I was very disappointed and totally wanted to cry. I realized later that this guy really just wanted me to show that I cared. I did really like that guy but I’ll probably never see him again, which in essence is probably a good thing because his behavior was childish and he liked to play games. I do not.

I’m always the one helping everyone. I always seem so strong, no one ever sees me cry. No one ever thinks that anything could ever be wrong. I have recently realized however that many people whom i thought genuinely liked me are actually immature and have been rendering jealousy and like seeing me hurt or in pain. It also teaches your enemies your weaknesses. I don’t think any of that is OK. So always remember to go cry in the trailer. Haha! I guess that maybe in some instances this old adage of ‘never let them see you cry‘ can hurt you but it seems to have protected me, many times in many ways.