nO eND: iNSIDE mIND oF mISFIT

(NOTE: Try to put yourself in the position of "I" in the story)

ZERO. Yes "Zero" is exactly the number of reasons I thought of when finding the reasons for my existence. I (an immigrant from India) was living in Canada in a single bedroom apartment, shared with two other roommates. I was sleeping in the lobby on the floor with one other roommate and third one slept in the bedroom. An Immigrant, single, jobless, misfit; these were just few of the words that you could have used to describe me. Though I was having a tough time in my life financially, I found the single most thing that hurt the most was being lonely.

WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT, YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING FROM NOTHING.

ONE. I was not always like this. I used to be enthusiastic, lovely, friendly; Well I guess most of us are like that in the beginning, and then you change slowly, Sometimes you realize it and sometimes you don't, sometimes the time for change comes early and sometimes a little late, but everyone changes at some point of their life, and then more changes occur. Until you are a completely different person. Before that change, I had a dream as a kid that I will become something huge, "Something huge" I didn't even understand the meaning of it, but I was able to see it right in front of eyes and thought that I just need to grasp it as I grow up. And then I realized that the dream of becoming something huge was one of my reasons to live at that time. But now I am grown up and know that "something huge" doesn't mean anything, and I was actually just following whatever the society and parents told me to do to become "something huge" which in their eyes was engineer. They just thought that the meaning of "something huge" for them was the same for me. And I followed the path as it was laid before me. And became an engineer. What is engineer? A piece of paper from an institution? At the time of my graduation, YES. When I graduated the number of students completing the engineering program was enormous , As much that there were less than 20% candidates hired and those hired were not paid much as there was always someone available to replace them. Reason? less number of jobs available? (NO), High number of graduates? (NO), The number of students following the "something huge" described by others? (Maybe). (While lying on the floor of lobby of one bedroom apartment) I thought that I was not able to describe "something huge" at that time because I was not mature enough, and maybe I can find my "something huge" now and follow it and it can become one of the reason for my life.

FIND WHAT YOU WANT OR YOU WILL WANT WHAT OTHERS FIND FOR YOU

TWO. Back to the lobby of the one bedroom apartment. I was deep in thought about what could be my "something huge" and if its too late to follow it. but then I realized that rather than not having "something huge" the thing that is hurting the most is being lonely. I always felt lonely even while being with others. It was always like I was not meant to be there or the other person did not understood me and was just going by their accord and did not want to do anything with me unless it was what they wished I would do for them or a certain way I would behave with them. So I tried to do that and become the nicest person that I could be. Even when someone would angry with me and start shouting at me including my parents or even strangers, I would try to keep my quiet and not fight. But I was still not able to fit in with anyone because I was still shy, I would compliment people (Most of these compliments were general and were done often) but mostly I still keep my quiet. I even tried being funny but most of my jokes will result in awkward situations and a very few even hit which kept my funny side going for a little while. But slowly awkward side took over and I started being afraid of even talking in public thinking that someone will make fun of me. And Then I read a book named " How to make friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. But I read only a couple of chapters because at that time I was very impatient and eager to implement what I learnt as quickly as possible. And First time in my life I started seeing success not in making friends though but just making people think that I am a nice guy, so some people started showing interest in becoming friends with a nice guy that I just built up and was not real me. But I was feeling good for having friends ( not really friends with real me). Still when I would go home, I would cry because I would have tried to feel sorry for the person who would abuse me and make fun of me to be popular (while I should have stopped them and made them shut the hell up). But Now Back In the present I realize that in order to try to fit in, I actually lost my dignity. And I could live the way I want if instead of trying to fit in, I could find my actual self and let it fit in wherever it can, even if means fitting in the misfits.

NO NEED TO CHNAGE TO FIT IN, FIND WORLD WHICH FITS REAL YOU.

THREE. No love. Never found anyone who truly loved me. I was never really asked out by a girl and the one who I was friends as a child left me because She found someone richer. At the moment, on the floor of the lobby, I really thought I was going to be forever alone. Then I got a call from my parents, I declined the call. I was afraid, I was scared to talk about my situation, I was depressed. I got call the next day, I ignored. Fear grew bigger, I spent one day looking at the ceiling, doing nothing. Days went by, and never got call from anyone again. But one day, I collected courage to call (video call) my parents, Mother picked up the call.

MOM: "How have you been?"

ME: "Fine"

DAD: "Why don't you call us? (aggressively) If you don't need us, we don't need you either"

ME: "Sorry"

DAD: " You have said sorry so many times in your life. Nothing has improved. Did you find a job? Did you bought a car? huhh"

ME: "Sorry"

DAD: "It has been 9 days since you called us last time."

ME: "No it has been just 5 days"

DAD: "How did you came up with that number"

ME: "OHH sorry I counted days from three last missed call I got from you"

DAD: " smirking. You said it yourself that you got missed call but you didn't replied."

ME: "Sorry"

(Calls cuts as the signal gets weak, I called again but this time MOM picks the phone)

MOM: "You don't know the problems we have gone through while you didn't call us. I got a serious back pain and your sister has a eye problem that cant be cured with regular operation and you also missed me and your father's marriage anniversary. (and then started crying)"

(At that time, I really thought of my situation: what has became of me? I was really miserable.)

(This chat went for an hour but above is the only conversation I am able to remember)

(But at the end of the call dad said something that affected me a lot)

Dad said "I LOVE YOU"

And at that moment I got shivers in my whole skin, It was like I felt it in my soul. And at that moment I realized, that my eyes were always closed. I already had somebody who truly loved me and didn't asked of anything. I was just shut off from them. And I found another reason to exist and I was less lonely.

SOMETIMES YOU LOOK FOR THINGS TOO MUCH THAT YOU MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE. SO YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AND RELISH IT.