My Rivals

Hi! I’m an actress, singer, dancer and overall competitive person. My whole life I was never good enough, everyone around me was 2 steps ahead. When I started doing community theatre the standard was always perfection. I felt like I had to become someone else in order to achieve what they wanted. Granted, it worked, I am now one of the top actors in my company.

However, there are plenty of singers who are leaps and bounds ahead of me. The first time I went to an audition, mother was told: “your child is an actor not a singer”. That broke my heart, all I wanted to do was perform but to be told that you’re not meant to sing is such a punch in the face. The next week I started singing lessons and I felt terrible. No matter how much I improved there was always that voice in my head repeating “your child is not a singer”. It hurt, truthfully I still have a hard time distinguishing my self worth from my talent. It’s something I need to work on. To this day even as a trained singer, I cannot go into rehearsal without feeling unworthy to sing in front of girls who are so much further ahead than me. These girls are my rivals, they’re nice to me and not at all exclusive, but I can’t help but feel like I have to compete. Every time I practice I try to imagine what those girls would sound like singing the same thing. If I’m happy with how I measure up, then I can take a break, if not I’ll practice until I fall asleep.

The one thing I found out about myself is that people thought I was pretty. It’s every little girl's dream to grow up and be beautiful. So once I discovered I could achieve that, I was ecstatic! Finally something I can achieve! I take special care of myself and practice my old fashioned etiquette daily. Beauty is something that is truly skin deep, that being said it is easy to see someone’s skin and tell whether they are attractive or not. This way I can get instant validation by just looking around. It sounds shallow and it is, but it’s something I’m good at and I need to hang onto it.

I get upset when I’m surpassed. Like anyone, once I’m given the gold star of approval, seeing someone with a bigger one really gets to me. The talent scout was right about one thing, I AM an actor and I’ve always had that special gift that makes an audience listen. That is my gift to the world, when someone tries to take that gift away I feel like my entire life was wasted. Why did I dedicate my life to this only to be snubbed and tossed aside in favour of some kid? These people are my rivals. The people that rise to power by simply walking into a room. The people who haven’t worked nearly as hard as I have but still seem to draw the eye away from me. These people will always exist and as long as I’m alive I will always be competing with them.

I was not and am not enough for anybody. I’m not skinny enough for my family, I’m not talented enough for theatre and I’m not pretty enough for boys. No amount of praise can erase my rivals from my life, they’ll always be there pushing me to work harder. I’m so tired, my spine is always straight and it’s exhausting. All I can do is keep working, keep competing and hopefully I’ll reach my goal.