My Relationship With Him

This story, if you can even call it that, is about a boy I fancy. A boy who knows of my existence but never seemed to care.

I met a boy earlier this year. A tall boy with brown hair and blue eyes. But not just any shade of blue , they're a dark blue, one that reminds me of the ocean on the stormy day.

I met a boy who has a scar along the side of his hair line and kept the story of how he aquired it hidden. A quiet boy with a smart mouth, a boy who claims to care about nothing but seems to have secrets he wishes to not share. I met a boy who made me happy and sad and angry and hopeful and jittery and flirty and forgotten. I met a boy who made me feel it all.

--

You can not make someone love you. You just can't. And that's hard to learn. You can't make them love you and you can't make them care. But just because he doesn't care about me, doesn't mean I don't care about him.

I would consider this boy a friend although we do not talk now. We used to talk a lot more during the on season for our swim team. We were in the same carpool and practice group so we saw each other quite a lot. We used to fight about who would sit in the middle seat on the way to swim and talk about our practices. I used to pester him with questions that I would only sometimes get an answer to.

We used to talk about nothing or sometimes not talk at all. There were 4 of us in the carpool altogether and I was the only girl. We were all friends, or at least became friendly with one another. I find myself missing carpool talks sometimes now.

As time went on this boy, this regular, annoying, snarky, mischievous boy, became something to me. And maybe I wish he hadn't. If I did not care about him then his lack of concern for me would not hurt as much as it does. But that isn't how it worked out for me.

Me and this boy eventually exchanged numbers and texted on and off sometimes over the course of the year. I always had to text him first and that's how it remains. If I want to hear from him I needed to reach out first. And that hurts. I would want to talk to him and it would seem as though he never wanted to talk to me. He doesn't answer for hours or even days and tells me it is because he hardly ever texts people. Part of me believes it and part of me doesn't.

I know for a fact that this boy takes awhile to answer people but it always feels as if he is ignoring me. As if he saw my message and is just biding his time before he answers because I am not important enough for him to answer right away. It makes me feel forgotten. And I worried (when I used to see him almost everyday) that when we stopped swimming we would grow apart because we never talked.

I was right.

I have not texted this boy since April 2021. I am writing this in September. Months have gone by now. I wish I could say I was over this.

--

It's weird missing someone who never cared about you. I keep thinking of conversations we had and texts we shared. I think of the way he looked at me and the way he smiled. I remember what song he said he liked and his favorite color. I remember the food he likes and how he prefers his coffee. I remember teasing him and how he would wear shorts even when it was freezing. I remember that time we high fived at that one swim meet. I remember his smile after that...I remember mine too. I think of that time he sprayed water on me as I climbed out of the pool. I remember stealing someone's water and spraying him back. I keep thinking of that look he gave me that time I asked him to count for my 500 and how it was one of the only times he ever looked me in my eyes.

That always used to bother me. The fact that he never looked me in the eyes. He always seemed to look at me from the side. Never in my face. I called him out on that one time. It didn't mattered.

I just don't understand how even after all these months if I think about him too long I start to cry and how he probably doesn't think of me at all. There's a quote that says something like: "I'm afraid to ask 'what do you think of me' for you to tell me 'I don't'".

I wish I didn't relate to that quote.

--

I taunt myself with memories of him and think about our old text messages. I think of the things you told me, your dialect pattern, how you always used the word 'delicious', and how you have a mini fridge in your room.

I remember conversations about your room and that stupid poster you had wanted....I wonder if you ever got it.

I remember how you didn't want to drive and I wonder how you feel about driving now.

I wonder if you played video games all summer in a hot room just the way you like it.

I wonder how many times you've gone to Dunkin' and how many coffees you've consumed.

I wonder what the real reason was behind you not doing swim this spring and summer and if you'll even continue in the fall.

I wonder about a lot of things I know I will never get an answer to.

--

Falling for someone is easy, you don't have to think about it at all. It always seems to come out of no where and just hit you.

Falling is always the easy part, it's the forgetting that hard.

I don't know if I want to forget the happiness you gave me or at least just come to terms with the pain I received along with it. I think I would like to think of you and tell myself "it's okay, that chapter's over, it's time to find someone better". I just want to be okay with remembering.

(I have no idea if anyone will see this at all but if they have advice in how to get over someone I would love to hear it :)