My Personal Solace

Have you ever taken a moment, by yourself, to sit and reflect? Not just on other people and what they need you for, but on you. I don't mean you as a person, but your soul. Do you know yourself that deeply? Not many people do. That's probably why most people look so miserable or sad even when they are out in public. I've done this reflection time and time again. Yes, it does help calm me, but the only time I feel true peace is with my music blasting while I do my thing. What's my thing? A lot of things, actually. To sum it into a single category would be to simply call it "Art".

I am an artist. Most people laugh at that statement. They call it a cop-out and claim it's a mere excuse to not hold a steady job and be weird. I held a job steadily before becoming disabled, so there went that theory. As for the weird part, thank you. I'd rather be viewed as weird than to be thought of like everyone else. After all, who wants to be just like everyone else. If you do, I apologize. I hope one day you can embrace your uniqueness and let it shine. It took me a very long time to stop putting stock into people's opinions of me and value myself for exactly who I am. Besides having my boys, that may have been the best moment of my entire life. If you've ever reached that point in your life, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That is when I found myself, so to speak. Once I did that, my whole world changed.

The term artist is very broad. I love that about it. I am extremely versatile myself. One day I will be drawing any image that comes to mind and the next week straight, I'm writing about five new stories. I'm always singing. I'm always letting the creative juices flow. I enjoy it all. From painting the house to tattooing for the first time, I want to do it all! I would go into detail about specific projects that I'm doing that currently give me inner peace, but it's not one specific project. I'm an artist; my whole life is a project! That is what gives me my inner peace, my solace. As long as I feel that I am expressing myself, in whatever form at the moment, I am happy. I want to act. I want to make people laugh. I want to entertain. I want to know that I make an impact on lives. I want little girls to say, "Look Mommy, I want to be just like her!". I want to be remembered. I want to make my mark.

As long as I can remember, I felt like there was something different about me. I was highly sensitive to others emotions. It's a blessing and a curse. Usually, it makes you put others ahead of yourself. I had to teach myself how to take "me time" and not feel like if I did, I owed someone something. A lot of that also came from PTSD from past traumas, but a lot came from living life. My whole life I feel that I was fighting so hard to be accepted by certain people. So much so that I never really knew myself. I valued others' opinions of me over my own. That made me absolutely miserable. Nobody should EVER value themselves less because of the words of others...regardless who the person is that is pumping you full of self-doubt and insecurity.

It wasn't until one of the hardest times of my life when I was able to accept myself for me and stop living for the validation of others. I finally felt free. I drew, I told stories, I wrote them, and for the first time I sang my heart out in public and didn't care who heard me or if they liked it. Now, you can't stop me from singing any song that hits my ears. Anywhere from a supermarket to a doctor's office. If I hear a song, I can guarantee you that if I'm not singing it, I will definitely be humming it. There is no shame in my game anymore. Nobody is going to dull my shine and I will continue to do what makes me at peace with myself for the rest of my life. I don't care who agrees with me. My own mother made fun of me for "trying to be a writer". I was told to grow up because I'm doing what makes me happy. That used to bother me. It doesn't anymore.

I hope that one day everyone has the ability to find their inner peace. Isn't that the very least we owe to ourselves? I believe so. For me, I will continue to create my own happiness because I deserve it. We all do. If anyone tells you any different, don't believe them. You are the only thing that can stop you from attaining your goals and finding your inner peace. Words from others are merely bumps along the ride. After all, words will only ever be just words. They only have as much validity as you allow. What are you willing to let determine your happiness? Hopefully, just you. I found my inner peace and I'll never look back!