My Old Love

I could sit here and say fuck you for breaking my heart but in all honesty I could never hate you. I can never be mad at you.

You never lied. You never did anything dishonest. You were just simply you, and I will always love you for that. You always showed me the true you and we're never afraid to hide it from me. You will never be the bad guy in my story. You may have promised me a lot of things but in my heart I knew that you intended to keep them, it just didn't work out that way. We were heading separate directions in our life and that's just what happens sometimes. I believe that your intentions were pure but the world was cruel. It made you choose between love and your future career, and I will never hold your decision against you. I don't blame you. You had a hard choice to make. Was it the best choice? For you, yes, maybe, but for me, no, definitely not.

I'm completely shattered and now am being forced to pick up all the pieces on my own while you leave to start a new life. I know it's hurting you to walk away, and I wish that it could be easier on us both. I tried to get you to stay or to take me with you. But you wanted to do it alone. That's what hurts me the most. Not the fact that you are leaving. I'm proud and I support your future. But the fact that you didn't want me to be by your side. Does that make me selfish? Maybe.

You told me that you loved me and that you always will. Apart of me believes it, or at least wants to. But how could you just make a choice without asking me how I feel and then just walking away like there was nothing holding you back. Nothing even worth a second thought or discussion. You just left.

The worst part is that I got so used to you being around. I got so attached that I begun to depend on you. You were my rock. My safe space. You made me feel grounded. You were my person. I told you everything. I shared everything with you, the good and the bad. I felt completely naked. Not in the sense of barely wearing clothing, although I did let you see that part of me. I was so vulnerable with you. I gave you pieces and showed you parts of me that I have never shared with anyone else. I gave you my body. I trusted you with it. Not only just my skin, but with my heart, my mind and my soul. I gave it all to you with no hesitation, and I would do it again over and over.

I think that's what the problem is. I would do anything for you. But you wouldn't even have a simple conversation with me. Maybe it was too difficult on you. Maybe you thought just up and leaving was better for the both of us. Who knows. All I know, is that I can't close my eyes without being flooded with all of my memories of you. I can't sleep in bed at night without hoping it was all a bad dream and when I roll over, you are still there.

Every touch, hug or kiss will never feel the same after you. Your skin on mine, felt so right, like it belonged there. Like you were made just for me. You pleased me in every way. Your warmth made me melt. I felt so in love with you. Every time you kissed me and smiled right after. I will never forget the feeling of your lips on mine, the warmth of your hands trailing around on my body, or the way you said my name. I will never forget you, and I hope you never forget about me.

You made me feel and experience pure love, and for that I will forever be grateful. I will love you forever and I think that's what scares me the most. What if I am never able to move on? What if I don't want to? Maybe I only want you and am only interested in you. I don't want to start over with someone new. Nothing will ever feel the same without you. But I still continue to go on with my life everyday.

Do I miss you? Yes, a lot. But I can't spend the rest of my life holding on to something that might not ever happen again. I will continue to be patient with myself and to give me all the time that I need to get better and to heal, and I hope that you do the same. Till then, may we meet again.