My Letter To You

I'm shaking my head, trying to think of the words to write, but they escape me. I could say they vanished like smoke in a starless sky, attempting to make something elegant out of the words, but this wouldn't matter. The words are simply gone, taken from me, like a lot lately.

I guess the easiest way to continue is to ask: How have you been, everything good? I mean, this is how a typical conversation begins, right--at least one of ours.

I can envision it now. I meet you at your parent's old house. I'd catch you on the front lawn and yell up to you from down the hill, "Hey Mark! Been a while. How are things, everything good?"

We shake hands, slap shoulders, and laugh. Then we walk up the path to the backyard.

I would comment about those slate pieces your father laid down in the lawn all those years ago. We'd laugh again, take a seat on the patio furniture and talk for hours. I suppose we'd have a few drinks, or perhaps plow down a case. Who knows? I'm sure we would have an awesome time, like always.

Listen, those words which escaped me earlier...they're coming back, but they're not quite all there yet, so you're going to have to listen to me ramble. Or should I say read my rambling? Hell, I don't know. I'm not renowned for this whole writing thing, but this was the best choice I had. I hope this will make sense by the end.

I realized something recently, something I really need for you and the guys to understand. This is important! If I were standing in front of you, you'd understand. You would notice I'm sincere. Please don't blow this off.

If wishes were currency, the things we ask for, those things we believe we need, I'm willing to bet we'd think a lot more about wishing for them, and instead, appreciate what we already have. God knows, I would.

Let me tell you why? Some of those wishes come with a cost attached.

I’m sitting here writing this, realizing four years have snuck by since we were all together. Which is too long. Damn!

I cannot understand how we let that happen? Do we simply take the easy way out and claim, "Life got in the way." Is that something we could say, pretending to feel better about time cruising by quicker than any of us want to admit.

And that's it, isn't it? We've been letting our time here slip away, forgetting time is a limited resource. Believe it or not, we've borrowed a lot already, and you never know how much you still have left.

So do me a big favor, don't let this happen anymore. Please! For me.

So here we are, we've approached the precipice I have been hesitant to reach. This is what I've been trying to tell you.

Six months ago, I got a call. Let me tell you; the phone never felt so heavy in my hand. The force was like a magnet trying to pull that phone down as I listened to the other line.

First, I'm going to get this out of the way now because I know you're already thinking it. Yes - I have cancer. I knew I did; Cancer wasn't the surprise.

I'm sure, right now, you're cursing me out. You're angry because I didn't say anything until now. But I'm going to need you to bear with me for a few more minutes.

As I was saying, the surprise wasn't that I had cancer. The surprise was how far along the cancer was.

I'm sure you've noticed those instances where time stops for a moment in your life? This doesn't happen often, but when it does, you recognize it.

I suppose I hung to that moment a little too long. Maybe I wished a little too hard that day. Perhaps I hoped that I hadn't heard what I did.

But, like I said...wishes are currency, they have value, we just don't appreciate how much they might cost us.

I clung to that moment, attempting to comprehend those words. Well, time has to catch up with you at some point, right? That's when some wishes become a little too expensive. Unfortunately, I don't have much left in the account.

You're reading this now because I was told I have only six months to live.

Actually, I'm exaggerating. I "had" six months to live. You're reading this journal entry several months after my diagnosis. I'm sorry.

I'm not going to go into the details. Time is a precious thing and is not worth the time to explain. Please understand the cancer came on relatively fast. It wasn't something I was hiding, pretending to keep a secret.

I felt some pain in my back, as well as my right side. Long story short, I didn’t simply pull a muscle.

I'm sure you and the guys are going to survive without me. I realize you may shed a few tears over me. I guess I can't blame you; I am a pretty cool guy if I do say so myself.

But at the same time, I hope I bring you more smiles than tears. I wish for you to have some nostalgic laughs at my expense. Yeah, I realize, I just made a wish. Don't worry; I believe I still have a few credits left.

The most challenging thing for me right now is not the pain. It isn't the change my body is going through. The toughest thing for me to grasp is how Nancy and the girls are going to be when I'm gone?

I'm sure they'll be okay over time. I realize you and the guys will help out when and if you can. This isn’t the part I'm so concerned with.

I worry about those first few days and weeks when I'm gone. I think about the crying, the tears. I imagine Nancy grasping the empty pillow like I would if the roles were reversed. I think about the tears spilling from her eyes, soaking into the pillowcase. I imagine her cheeks resting on the cold sensation of them, staring at the empty pillow on my side of the bed, whispering she loves me, that she misses me, that she needs, and wishes I was still with her and the girls. I think about how they will have to go through this all without me here for them.

This is what causes the numbing anguish; this is much worse than anything this shitty disease could ever bring upon me.

I ask you for a favor. Give her a call every so often. Tell her I'm thinking of her. You always knew when I was thinking about Nancy. You could somehow sense it.

I don't need you to tell the girls. I’ll leave that to Nancy; she always recognized it as well. She has the same sixth-sense you do, must run in the family.

I understand what's coming. I realize soon I won't be here anymore.

I'm not quite sure what will happen when I make the turn around that corner, though. The end is not something any of us can take a look at. We can only imagine what is going to happen next. I'm just closer now. I was ushered to the front of the line. I'll be peeking around it, taking my own glimpse soon enough.

It pains me I won't be able to tell any of you what happens afterward. I can only hope I have the chance to come back once in a while and check to see how everyone is doing.

I pray I'm able to sometimes stand in their bedroom doorway, watching as Nancy gives the girls butterfly kisses. I hope they understand they're really from me. Angel kisses from Daddy.

Many things have happened in my life, and I have to admit, I've made some decisions that have paid their dividends one way or another. A lot of them went into the red, but some, fortunately, stayed in the black too.

Overall, I've been fortunate and loved my life and everyone who was in it. You and the guys never steered me wrong, no matter how badly I wanted to go the opposite way. For that, I am grateful. And for that, you are due what is to come next.

So I would have to guess you're wondering why you're reading this in a journal and not merely a piece of lined paper. Why would I give you this, with all these empty pages, nothing but white space and lines of a story that hasn't finished yet?

Well, this is where you come in, Mark. I want you to finish my story.

I want you to use this journal and update it when something happens that I should have been present for. I want you to finish it for me.

You've been my best friend since day one. From the walks home from the bus stop after elementary school to the best man at my wedding. The Godfather of my first child.

Oh boy, here come the tears again.

I don't want to go yet, Mark. I'm not finished yet, dammit!

I want to watch my girls grow up. I want to see them in their prom dress, their first love, the day they get their license. I want the chance to dance with them on their wedding day, but that choice has been taken from me.

With this little black notebook, I have hopes you will keep me alive in some way.

For helping me do this, for assisting Nancy, the girls, and me...I want to give you and the guys something for it, for always being there.

In the package you received with this journal was an envelope with a key. The key belongs to a safety deposit box located in the Whispering Hills bank.

Yes, I chose the same place we met all those years ago. The elementary school bus stop.

I want you to go with the guys. I want you to open the box together, and I want you guys to have my gift to you all. Inside you'll find the sum of $80,000 to be divided among you, Seth, Dave and Dan. Don't worry, Nancy approves. She wants you all to have it. She appreciates how much you all meant to me.

Nancy and the girls have been taken care of as well. As I said, I made some wishes earlier in my life which paid off, but they had their expense too.

As I run out of room on this page, and rapidly approach the end of my days, I want you to remember I love you like a brother. Had we not crossed paths over 35 years ago, things may have been much different for me. Because of you, I met Nancy. She was always the love of my life.

Although I have to turn the lights off a bit earlier than I expected, I hope you enjoy the rest of the time yours remains lit. Make the most of it. Laugh as often as you can. Love your family and friends like there is no tomorrow because the next day is never guaranteed, only hope is what guides us through the dark night.

Never forget, the next time you make a wish for something, recognize the price you may have to pay for it. Make sure it's worth it.

I know mine were.

See you on the other side brother,

Your friend,

- Ben