My Inconvenient Truth

I had an inkling of an idea, but I didn’t quite anticipate the pain that would flood my body when I came home to a near empty home without him in it…

It all started on December 19, 2017, my countdown to loss...

2pm: I get home from work to find my husband and his father packing. A signal that our separation was about to begin. I had known for months that we were going through a divorce, but we had yet to separate, and so it had seemed so unreal.

But it was here. I could no longer remain in denial about my divorce and separation from the person that probably knew me better than anyone on this planet… my husband.

3:30pm: He invites me to go on a walk with him to talk. We started out with some small talk, and then he gently asks why I still hadn't signed the divorce papers.

He asks me, "Are you worried about the cost of mediation for re-negotition of custody?....  Or is there a possibility that you still are feeling guilty about our decision to leave our daughter with me?" There it was, the truth, right there slapping me in the face. It was guilt. I thought, perhaps even unwillingness to let him go.

He said… "You don’t have to feel guilty Chloe, and you don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks or tells you.. About what you should or shouldn’t do. I know how much you struggle with the mental and emotional capacity of raising a child right now. You need this time to heal. I know you are doing your best, and making the right decision for our baby girl."

He was right I did worry about what others close to me felt about the situation, almost to the point where I would risk my daughters mental and emotional health just to say that she was "with her mom". I began to cry.

My baby girl, I was giving her up! The agony that filled my soul in that moment was excruciatingly painful.

It felt so wrong, but so right at the same time. Every fiber in my being knew that she belonged with this man I loved so dearly. A man with such a tender, sweet, and loving spirit. One with such a huge capacity to give selfless love. I knew that she would be raised right, being with him and his family.

It was a blur of a conversation.

We both apologized, without any trace of blame, for the deep pain we had caused one another. We cried together. We mourned the loss of what we longed our marriage could have been, but fell short of. We recognized what we would be losing, but gaining at the same time.

This was the first time I realized that he felt any sense of loss at all. That no matter how much he was beginning to let me go, that he would miss me dearly.

The decision to divorce was hard. It was unbelievably hard. We both saw the good we had to offer one another still. However, we knew in our hearts that for everyone involved, especially for the wellbeing of our daughter, this was the best possible decision. 

Who knows, we laughed… maybe this time of healing, was just meant for us to eventually be able to: strengthen ourselves, heal from our co-dependency and trauma, and end up together again… a more united, strong couple.

(Although we said that, a HUGE part of me was like... "no I am not even ready to even think about that possibility. I am done with all the pain. I want a fresh start").

4:15pm: I began to feel the urge to want to leave and to cut the conversation short. It is so odd to me how this almost always happens when a conversation is really good. It is almost as if my psyche knows there is something really good about to be said that will increase my personal growth... So it urges me to feel impatient or uncomfortable, so that I end up cutting it short. That is something that I am just now realizing, but in the moment…

I reminded myself that I would regret it if I treated this last conversation the same way I treated almost every conversation we had in our marriage, where I rushed it when it started to get too vulnerable. Or when I started to feel, for one reason or another, uncomfortable.

After I made the conscious decision to be patient and stay.. He told me something that totally knocked my socks off,

"I don’t know when, how, or why it happened… but somewhere along the way when you were growing up, you began to be afraid of responsibility, Chloe. And I think you are deeply afraid of it because, you are deeply afraid of the POWER that comes behind that responsibility. And so you end up sabotaging yourself whenever you are given a chance to prove yourself, because you're personal power scares you."

It was true, I have always steered clear of what I thought was "commitment". Commitment to raising a child, commitment to relationships and marriage, commitment to my finances, and the list goes on. As frustrating as it was for me that I did this, I never really knew the reason why..

So it was a huge realization for me when he said that. I still think I am going to be processing what this means in my life. However, I felt an immense sense of gratitude that he decided to share that with me.

Its funny, no matter how stubborn or resistant I get to his advice, I almost always find that it is spot on.

In that moment I cried with him.. I told him I would miss these deep discussions dearly. I would miss his outside perspective on my blind spots.

This walk and discussion with him was one of the most treasured moments I will not soon forget. Despite all he had to get done, he showed up for me when I needed him. It was heartbreakingly sad and wonderful all in one.

5pm: I go to a dog park. I meet a professor who is attempting to write and publish a memoir of her life. She had a black pug. I had a black golden-doodle. Both dogs were service dogs. She eerily reminded me of myself, and what I could end up like. Bitter and refusing to accept life on life's terms. Refusing to let go of what I thought my life should look like. Interesting how I have this experience right before a massive change in my own life. Somehow I just don't believe in accidents. 

When I got home I made the decision to begin to let go of the "paths" I believed I should have taken in my life. To accept what is, to love it, to be grateful for it, and to begin to practice radical acceptance in order to LOVE the life I live. After all, our marriage had it's failings in large part, because I was always looking beyond the mark. I did so by focusing on what I LACKED instead of what I had. I believe we definitely both had parts to play, but I choose to focus on mine.

6pm: My husband and I are both in the living room together watching different things on our phones.  He had school work to do, and was avoiding it, and I was there because I needed to soak up every minute with him.

9pm: We go cuddle in my bed together one last time. We both fall asleep. It feels so good to let him be close to me. It had been months since we both slept in the same bed together, and I didn't want to ever let go of his hand..

December 20, 2017

1:30am:  I wake up to my husband getting a little cozy with me, and we make love…For the last time.

I think I put so much pressure on myself to make sure that it was perfect, that it was very much like the very FIRST time we made love together. With him completing and myself… errrr… not so much. It actually kind of made me laugh…the irony.

3:30am: We get up, and decide to get to work again. He packs and I am working alongside him organizing and decluttering. It was crazy to see all the things that used to upset me so much, like all of his papers lying in a jumbled mess on the floor. Eventually, all his things were packed away and put into his car.

Our apartment was looking quite empty and stark. I hadn't realized how much energy and space he had taken up in our home. Despite not spending as much quality of time as I would have liked, I hadn't realized how much space his presence took up even when he wasn't around. What was I going to do without his presence filling up the lonely cracks and crevices of my heart?

6:30am: Despite being dead tired, I enjoyed being around him. Rather than get some much needed sleep, I just tryed to soak him up as much as I could. He finally finishes packing and we go to bed again and end up falling asleep for a short on-and-off nap.

7:30am: During that on-and-off nap, I had many special moments with him that I will never forget. I took every opportunity to kiss his forehead, bury my head into his, and comb my hands into his hair.

I whispered as I kissed his head,

"You are one of the most tender, gentle, loving, and compassionate men I know. Our daughter could not have had a better father. She is so lucky to have you. Whenever you doubt yourself, always remember this... You are the one she is supposed to be with. There will be times where she may say she hates you… But never forget, and always hold onto your compassionate and loving heart, because that is your truth. I have been so lucky to be watched after and cared by you. I love you dearly. I will always adore you, you will always have someone that adores you… Please remember that."

I could not hold back my emotion. Despite being so close to the man that was leaving me, I let the tears flow from me freely. Those hugs meant more to me than most. I held them as sacred. I knew they would be some of the last ones I would be able to partake with him. I was completely and utterly in the moment.

I'll tell you this…THAT is how you love someone. You hold them as sacred and dear to you. You love them as if today is the last day you will ever be able to hold them again. Treasure your loved ones, let go of petty arguments. Choose to see their good, and watch your love for them expand before your very eyes.

9am: My husband leaves to go take care of his side of the lease for our apartment, and I take his last 3 remaining packed boxes to the post office. I sit and wait for him to get there so that he can ship them off to his home out east.

9:30am: As I wait in the car, music from my phone randomly starts playing. It's a song from Coldplay, but I instantly knew it was a message I needed to hear...

9:40am: I squeeze my husband for the last time, for as long and hard as I possibly could. I did not want to let go. Tears are falling freely down my face as he tells me to, "Stay busy today! Look forward to your future, and all that you are building."

As I turn away, his father says, "We love you."

It was the first time hearing him tell me this, that I actually FELT it. In return, and with real sincerity I tell him, "I love you too." It's funny how that happens...