My Husband Married a Crazy Lady

I am still annoyed as I get out of my car and head into the office. My receptionist greets me with a smile like she does every Wednesday. She's 22, pregnant, and absolutely adorable. Just a beacon of light and happiness. She also has a pretty serious case of Pregnancy Brain that, when couple with her young age, is absolutely hilarious. Sometimes she sends the mail out without postage. Sometimes she misreads an order and gets me three coffees instead of one. Sometimes she listens to stories of what computers were like in the 90s and gets shocked that teens once used the internet for things other than selfies or porn. Seriously, she's hilarious.

But this morning I don't reciprocate her bright smile. By the time I get to work today I'm still grumpy and I need to consult a pot of coffee about this. She immediately sees my demeanor and gets the pot going. She knows me. Easily the best receptionist I've ever had.

I get settled into my office and my receptionist comes in with my coffee. This morning she puts it in the mug with the Barcelos Rooster on it. World's Okayest Employee is my happy mug; the rooster is my serious mug. She gets me. As I sip on the glorious, aromatic, fresh, hot coffee she looks me in the eye and asks me what's going on and why I'm in such a bad mood.

"Mesha," I say (I call her Mesha because that's her name), "you'll never believe how that sonofabitch that I married acted this morning!!"

Mesha loves juicy gossip, so she makes herself comfortable.

"Well, I couldn't sleep, so I got up in the middle of the night to wander around and then, when I went to get back in bed, Ryan yelled at me for it!"

"What do you mean, he yelled at you? What did he yell about?" she asks me.

"Well, I had to lift the blanket about 8 inches to get back into bed and Ryan actually yelled at me for letting cold air in! Said I broke his 'seal' and now he was freezing. Can you believe that? Like I'm supposed to stay outside the covers? What, am I dog now?? Am I not allowed on the bed?? What a jerk!! Right?!"

"The worst," she agrees, matter-of-factly. Like I said, she gets me.

"I know!" I'm into it now. She has validated me so now I'm telling her everything. "And that's not even the worst part!!"

"Tell me all the things." She smirks as she says it. She knows she shouldn't encourage me.

"Well, he was such a jerk that I got mad at him, so when he tried to cuddle I pushed his arm away. Then, when he tried to scoot closer, I turned towards him so that my knees put up a barrier and he couldn't get close. Not today, am I right?"

"Wow." She looks me right in the eyes, smiles and says, "You're petty as fuck!"

I gesture with my index finger and tell her, "Just wait! I get worse."

She takes a sip of her tea and waits. I get into the details of the atrocity.

"Well..." I say as I start to relay the next chapter in this morning's saga. She knows I'm serious when everything starts out with "well..."

"Well, I was still mad when 5:30 rolled around so I didn't get up to make him his coffee. I didn't get up at 6, either. Finally, at almost 6:30, he gets out of bed and makes his own coffee. About time! I'm not making that man coffee after he yelled at me like that! So he goes out to make his own coffee, then, a few minutes later, that big, stupid jerkface actually came back into the bedroom with a smile and two cups of coffee, then tells me I'm beautiful in the mornings like I'm not going to remember what he did!"

"The audacity!!" Mesha exclaims.

"I know!! First, I have curly red hair and it is utter, frizzy chaos in the mornings, so I KNOW I didn't look beautiful. Now he's a jerk AND a liar!"

"Did you tell him you know he's lying?" she asks with a smirk.

"You know I did. I told him he's a jerk and a liar and I'm still mad at him. When I said that he got all confused. The turd didn't even know that I was mad, much less what I was mad about!!"

"How did he not know?" She takes another sip of her tea.

"I don't know. So I reminded him all about how he was so mean to me last night and he actually laughed, saying he didn't remember it. I told him that I remembered, which is why I didn't let him cuddle or make him coffee this morning. That JERK then told me that he just thought I was still tired from the headache yesterday, so he thought he was going to spoil me and be the one to bring me coffee in bed for once. I actually had to point out how I had been so mean to him this morning and how hurt his feelings were!! Here's the thing, when I'm being passive aggressive and grumpy, he had better notice and he'd better get his feelings hurt! How dare he not notice?? When I told him that he actually laughed and then put on a serious face and pretended to have hurt feelings. Pretended. Like I hadn't actually hurt his feelings. Butthead."

She puts her teacup down, looks me right in the eyes and says, "Would you like me to let the air out of his tires?"

"Girl, you know I already did."

I hadn't, but she's still getting a raise.



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