My first love and how it still haunts me.

It was such a cliche high school sweetheart scenario; I was a year older, had never had someone to love and stumbled into an amazing relationship that I would soon find out to ruin my life for years even after it ended.

Let me take you to when it all started. I was a 15 year old sophomore in the Midwest, it was the middle of winter and I was on a video call with my best friend talking about teenage girl things when someone had knocked on her bedroom door. We had both assumed it was her brother who is a year younger than us. The door flew open and it was someone I had never seen before, he had dark hair and light eyes and a dumb smile on his face and he looked straight into the camera and asked who I was. My best friend (who we can call Melissa)shoved him out of the room and told him absolutely not and I was off limits. As he left the room and I could no longer see him I was smiling and I had no idea why; It would be months until I realized he would be the first person I would ever love.

Months went by and I kind of forgot about the smallest interaction we had. I was sitting in my best friends house and It was decent weather I would say end of winter beginning of spring. I ran out to her car I don't quite remember why, but she sent me on my own. Low and behold there he was lets call him Ryan for the sake of the story. There was Ryan playing basketball in my best friends driveway with her little brother. I felt my heart begin to race, my face heat up and my social anxiety go through the roof. I ran inside so fast, honestly I don't think I've ever moved so fast. I calmed down and tried to be as normal as possible since I knew Melissa told both of us we were off limits to one another and anyways I didn't even know if I made his heart race the same way he made mine. Later that day Melissa's younger brother asked me if he could give my info to Ryan. Which I said of course too. For the next 3 maybe 4 months we were on the phone every night. We'd fall asleep on the phone wake up and get ready for school on the phone and pretty much talked everyday until finally I picked a 'fight' that began our relationship. I texted him and asked him flat out if he was talking to other girls he said no but I didn't believe that being a high school girl and one that had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship at that. Yet at the end of that argument he asked me to be his girlfriend and when I tell you it was just a matter of days maybe even just a week before I was head over heels for this boy I fell hard and right on my face at that. Needless to say we didn't last. Months went by,I transferred high schools and went on a downward spiral. I 'moved' on and did what any rational teenage girl who was rebelling and heart broken would do. I overly sexualized myself and became a boy-crazy mess.

Years went by I graduated and found an amazing boyfriend 7 months after...almost to the day. Still one night I had an amazing dream that me and Ryan ended up together that turned into a nightmare because I knew I could never be with him again and that I don't even know who he is anymore. I woke up in a cold sweat and just uncomfortable with the idea of my brain putting those thoughts together. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and makes my stomach bubble.

I know I've moved on. I'm happy, healthy and in a good relationship with a boy who I'm slowly falling for; But still my heart will never not have a small opening for Ryan I know with complete certainty that the spot will get smaller and smaller as time goes on but will never be completely gone. I'm okay with that though. Because what is life without love or the loss of love.