Mistakes

Why can’t I be free? Break these chains he has on me? I want to let go. Why do I keep coming back? He has the best of me. I do not have myself. He breaks me down in a thousand pieces. I just silently pick them up and try to put them back together. It is an endless cycle that has been continuing for years. I truly do not know why I cannot just break free.

Eleven years ago, when this relationship first started, I felt that I had found the most amazing man on the planet. But I guess that is how most relationships start right? This man was doing things that no man had ever done for me. He took me to visit my family less than two months after we started dating, and he paid for it all! We spent every single night together from day one, whether it was his house or mine.

We finally decided after six months of dating that we would move in together. He did not disappoint at all. I lived close to where I worked so if he were off work, I would go home on my lunch break. One day I walked in the house and he had cooked lunch for me. Had it on the table with candles lit everywhere and rose pedals that led to the bedroom and were all over the bed. This was my prince charming. And I was looking for love, so I fell hard.

There were signs, but I was so far in that I just let it go. I would hear things from people in the town we lived in. I just could not bring myself to believe any thing that I heard. I pushed everything aside and kept building my fairy tale. We would argue sometimes about something that I would find out; he was so good at reassuring me that it was a misunderstanding and stupid me would believe him.

One day I went to his job to pick him up when I got off work. I pulled up, there was one car in the parking lot with a lady in it. I figured she was waiting for someone that was in the salon. Did not think much about it at the time. He came out to tell me he needed five more minutes, he gave me a kiss and went back inside. I called my mom and was talking to her on the phone when I heard a knock on my car window. I looked up to see the lady that was sitting in the car. I told my mom that I would call her back. My mom being my mom said,” This should be interesting.”

I rolled down my window and the lady said, “Hey, I just saw you kiss him. Are you guys together?” My mind was racing. Why in the hell was she asking me such a question? I looked at her and then down to my engagement ring and said, “Yes, we just got engaged a month ago. Why?” She proceeds to tell me that she and him just came back from dinner together and that two weeks ago they were at a hotel room together. I wanted so bad to not believe her. But the day she said they were at the hotel; I could not get in touch with him all afternoon. He told me he was doing stuff with his aunt for the business and was not around his phone. This lady showed me text messages from them back and forth. It appears that she is telling me the truth.

I left his work. He started calling my phone. I would not answer at first. I honestly could not speak. I had no words. When I did answer the phone, I started yelling and screaming. I honestly do not even know if I was making any sense. I had never in my twenty-eight years of life felt his type of pain. This type of hurt was worse then losing a loved one. It was something that I could feel deep inside my bones. At moments all I could do was cry and other moments I could not breathe.

I went back to his work to pick him up. We drove home, me in silence, him pleading his case. She was an ex that just found out that he was engaged and had moved on from her. She was hurt and was trying to destroy our relationship etc. He had no idea that I had just read daily messages between the two of them and I knew that he was lying through his teeth. I could no longer trust him. I could no longer live my happy fairytale life that I had gotten use to. We walked in the house. I sat on the couch. He sat next to me. He was still pleading. I went to the kitchen. I grabbed every single item in my house that was glass and threw them at him. I was balling crying. I could not even see what I was picking up. He walked around the house picking everything up. He was so calm it scared the hell out of me. I collapsed on the floor yelling, screaming and crying. He picked me up and kissed my face telling me to please calm down. He held me. I let him. And this is where I should have run. But I did not, I stayed.