Merlot Eyes

On a cold breezy summer morning, you came by to have waffles and lay on the roof with me in the sun. I don’t know if you’re my soulmate or not, but if you’re not, you make me want to not meet them. I love the way you say my name. I love how you stand tall in your baggy jersey. I love looking into your eyes underneath the summer sun. I love just looking into your eyes. I want to be present in that moment – just looking at them. And this is exactly where I want to be. You look back into my eyes. Your gaze as blue as the grapes crushed to make the Merlot in your glass.

A couple of weeks, texts, and a few FaceTime’s later, I wear my favorite sundress and walk to your house. We sit alone on your porch. Your roommate left when he saw me come over. You said, “It’s good, we haven’t gotten a moment alone in so long.” You look up at the sky and sip your Merlot. The summer breeze is silkily passing from tree to tree. Then you look at me. Your gaze, as intoxicating as the Merlot in my glass. I think – I could sit here, on your porch, conversing for a long, long time. This suburban life doesn’t seem too bad with you. My hopes and dreams to travel far and wide and my city home seems distant. Maybe, I could do it with you. And if not, just sitting here with you won’t be too bad either.

Then I tell you my mind. But you tell me you are in love with someone else. The Merlot bottle is empty now. I just say, “Okay” saving our friendship. “Are you happy?” I ask. The Merlot doesn’t help you give a clear answer. I will be getting the answer in the coming months from our friends. You look at your feet on the green, green grass that matches your eyes. Or wait, is it the blue, blue sky that matches your eyes?

It’s the Merlot thinking for me. Because I cannot think for myself. It’s time for me to go home. Lay in bed. Process. You insist on walking me home. It’s 7’o clock and the sun and daylight are stubbornly hanging from the sky. But you say, “It’s getting late. I want to walk you home.” We leave the glasses on the porch. Your roommate still isn’t back. I know my pink summer dress looks good on me. A guy on a skateboard on my way to your house complimented my dress. But now I think, that doesn’t affect you. Because do you think of someone else in a summer dress?

You keep talking, your words hit my ears aimlessly. I know you don’t want things to change between us. But was there really anything between us? We keep walking. Past the restaurant where we ate dinner before class. Past the park where we played Frisbee with our friends. Past all the memories of us. The road home is long but the road forward – learning you don’t love me, is going to be a longer one. But I know that I will be walking it the full way.

When things got difficult and messy, I prayed to God to protect our relationship. I asked God for courage to do right by you. And I thank you for doing the right by me when you didn’t have to. I know the future is coming now, so we must leave the past behind. So, I go back to the city. To my mother, who has already told my father about you. Maybe you wouldn’t have fit in the family. Maybe my siblings wouldn’t have liked you. Maybe. Maybe this is why the universe chose us to not be lovers.

My mama doesn’t think you’re the right person. And her word is as true as a shlok in the Bhagavad Gita. To learn to love you the right way, I had to grow to become the best of myself. Now, I have grown to learn to let go. Let go of the idea of you. Even with the lingering hope of what could it be, I have to let it go. And on a summer day in the city, my friends order a Merlot at brunch. “Merlot? I drank that in college!” retorts one of them. They laugh. We sip our glasses of Merlot. I look up at the glazing sun on the terrace where we sit. I remember a flicker of superman curls and Merlot blue gaze underneath the sun. I think it is the Merlot or the sun in my eyes but I see a familiar name pop up on my phone screen.