Memory Lane

" Run. Don't look back." I reiterated over and over again. I was hoping it would make me invisible to anyone who may be trying to follow me. It seemed logical to my seventeen year old mind. If I don't see them, then they most definitely don't see me, right?

" Pendéjo! Now it's on you to bring her back or I got no choice cabrón. Just get her before the juras do!" El Jefe barked at the younger one. He was a tall, stocky middle aged man. You could see how handsome he once was. He still had charm and a way of getting into your head without letting you know.

The past four days had changed my entire life's path. I thought I knew it all. Come to find out, I tríele didn't know shit. From then on I'd always look over my shoulder when walking alone.

     I had probably ran half a mile before I came to see a familiar place. A safe house. "Normal" people wouldn't have ever stepped foot near, let alone inside, this house on West Harting. It looked like the city salvage yard, guard dog included.

     My Uncle's tweaker homie, Kent, would always welcome me with the utmost respect and hospitality. He was a thin, chicken-legged, balding middle aged dope cook. Kent had a theory that there was a secret room in his house that he couldn't find. Sometimes I would think he kept his ex girlfriend's bodies in there. I knew he would never do anything like that to me. He feared my Uncle Jay and respected my Uncle Sean too much. A respect & fear from before any of the Bros were in the pen together.

     " Damn girl you look like shit!," he paused a second and then his eyes swelled up like he just slammed a gram of dope, " Aww hell you start messin' with the yo-yo?" He stated and interrogated simultaneously. " Kent...you know...I don't...fuck with that...shit!" I finally managed to speak in between breaths. " Call my Uncle, no! Call my Aunt please. Tell 'em it's an emergency." I frantically begged as I made my way past Kent and then through the screen door until I collapsed face first into a deep slumber on the couch.

White Trash

" I WANNA GO HOME!" I screamed and jolted straight up from my comatose state. When the clouds and fuzz cleared out of my eyesight, I saw the one face I'd been praying and begging to see one last time.

" Baby it's okay! We're here. We're gonna go home...what th-...Sean come look at this!!!" , Aunt Leanne screamed at my Uncle. " Oh my God, what happened to your ankles and you're white as a ghost!" She attempted to soothe me at first, but now she was concerned.

" Oh Aunt Leanne!" I cried out as I melted into the warmth of her familiar embrace. She was a little chunkier than when I was kid, but her smile still lit up the entire Southside. And her tiny voice still resembled a soft spring breeze.

The ride home was all of 5 minutes, but felt like an eternity. I was lost in my own space, reliving the events that had took place. I just wanted to shower. I wanted to scrub my entire body and rinse off the feeling of guilt, shame, and mostly, pain. I wanted to see all those feelings wash down the drain as I rinsed them off my body.

" You stupid bastard!!" Aunt Lynn tried to scream causing reality to suddenly surround me. Unc had slapped her again as I came to reality. I guess some things don't ever change.

Uncle Sean was a big boy now. His gut stuck out like he was gonna drop triplets any day now. He was a good looking young man at some point in his life. He had a kind heart then too. Some people let drugs suck every ounce of good outta them. He turned into a shard fiend a long time ago now. After prison, he just was never the same.

" Leave her the FUCK alone man!" My little cousin, Junior, bucked up to his Dad. He was only twelve at the time and all of about 4' 11". He'll he didn't even have hair on his huevos yet, let alone any deep bass in his voice. My poor little cousin his life was already fucked. He stopped going to school about two years ago. He future was later defined by "baby mama drama", dope, and prison letters.

" What's good my nigga? Where you been cuz?" He interrogated me.

" In Hell." I solemnly answered.

" What?..." He looked at me for a clue as to what I meant.

" Oh, nothing primo. I was just...", I hesitated, "kickin' it. You a'ight mijo?" I managed to put a convo together and give him a hug as we walked up the porch.

Our crib was definitely not Better Home & Gardens material, but shit it was "Home, Sweet, Home" to us. Majority of the windows were broken out, and the electricity was one spark away from burning the whole thing down with us asleep inside. It was always dark inside. No sunshine ever lit up any of the rooms. Houses like this tend to breathe hopelessness. Most days my Uncle had his plug and all sorts of friends over. If they weren't cooking up a batch, they were smoking n slanging.

" Primo?" I silently called him. I didn't wanna up his sister, Tina. She was a year younger than him, but had the attitude of a grown woman and the mouth of one too. We got into it a lot over the years. Mostly cause I wasn't gonna let her disrespect me or her momma. She been through a lot too. No telling what all I still don't know about.

" Whassup my nig?" He had that goofy smile on his face.

He was always a cute kid with these deep dimples and a slight lisp when he spoke.

" I just want you to know I love ya fool. And I'm always here. And you can still do good in life. Yeah we have to survive cause the way things are, and we do what we gotta do to make it. But, please promise me you won't turn out like yur pops fool? I don't wanna see you go through that bullshit he calls his life." I pleaded him to listen to me.

" Fuck him. He's a piece of shit...I ain't gonna be nothin' like him cuz, I promise. Now let's roll this blunt!" He smiled ear to ear as he held up a bag of weed and some wraps.

" Look I'ma shower fam and you roll up and we'll spark it when I get out, cool?" I asked. He nodded his head acknowledging he agreed.

I cried the entire time. I'm not sure how long I actually took in the shower that day. I cried for the innocence that I had lost. I cried for the bright light that no longer would shine from my soul. I lost my entire being that day. I could still feel their hands groping all over me as I was handcuffed to a metal pipe in the room.

They weren't kind and polite anymore. They were rough, and the growled like a rabid animal. They forced their way inside me as I tried kicking them off. But it was no use my ankles would bound to other objects in this room. They held me captive for four days. They forced me to do sexual things with them for four days. Nobody will ever believe me, at least that's how I felt. For the first time in my life, I really felt like white trash. Funny thing is that's what El Jefé called me as he raped me.

Big Tone.

Tap-tap-tap— I rolled over and looked at my phone. It was already 1 o’clock in the afternoon. Yet again, the air conditioner was frozen. What did I expect though it was circa 1972. I shouted with some aggression in tone, “ Who that?” That’s how we answer the door around here.

“ Your future husband nigga! Haha!” Tone always was acting a clown. I rolled my eyes and smirked a little, but quickly changed my expression. I don’t want him thinking he has me like that at all.

“ Damn fool, why you always coming over so early? You know my people don’t start moving til it’s almost dark,” I reminded him like I had any other time.

I turned all three deadbolts, and removed the chain lock, and finally the 2X4 that went across the entire width of the door. We were locked down like Fort Knox. Which never made sense to me anyway because the back door had a sorry excuse for a lock.

“ There’s the one ruka I been waiting to see…what’s wrong chula?”, how did he know? Big Tone always read me like a book. I had been in love with him since I laid eyes on him a year ago. He was a tall, very handsome homeboy. He just got out the penitentiary about a year ago. He was all tatted up. He was a solid build with hazel eyes I would always be lost in. Did I mention he could don tatts? He was the coldest one with the needle around here.

“ I-, well it’s been stressful couple days for me. I been going through some things, ¿ me entiendes amorcito?” I looked in his eyes for any sign of somebody who actually gives a damn.

“ Simón mi Reyna” , he always knew what would get my heart racing, “ when you gonna lemme take you out ma? I mean,- you know what’s up. I got feelings for you and I wanna get you outta this place. Maybe marry you and have some “Mini Tones”? HAHA!”, his laugh made me forget about what had happened. Even if it was only for a second.

I wrapped my arms around him and smothered him with kisses. He lifted me up, wrapped my thighs around his waist and began to lower me onto the bed. He kissed me so gently, but with so much aggressive passion at the same time. I never knew somebody who always was so hard in the streets could be so gentle with a female.

“ No…no Tone. STOP!,” I screamed but not loud. I just wanted him to quit because my state of mind wasn’t ready for this. When I had opened my eyes in the middle of the heated moment, I saw El Jefe. I tripped out. But it was so real…how could Tone all of a sudden just reappear? I know it was not him.

“ Tone I’- I’m sorry….I just…,” I was fighting back tears and trying to find the strength since the words were already there , “ They raped me Tone.” And there it was all out there for somebody to hear. But I was scared of what he would do. I couldn’t lose the only real homie I ever had.

“ Who?” His whole voice and body language instantly changed. He sat up, leaned over, elbows on knees with clenched fists. “ Did they use-?,” he paused and looked at me with tear filled eyes. It was the first time I’d ever seen him show that type of emotion. “Did they use a condom?” He managed to finish his question.

“ I don’t think so, well, I tried to keep my eyes closed- I tried to fight them Tone…but they had me shackled down by my wrists and-…”, he waited, “ by my ankles.” I sad like a little girl who was ashamed of something she’d done wrong. It’s funny isn’t it? Well more like ironic, how I felt wrong when they were the ones who had hurt me.

“ Tone?,” I questioned through my sobs.

“ Yea mija?” He looked at me and grabbed my hand. Intertwined my fingers with his. My hands were tiny when his enclosed them. He kissed my hand ever so gently. As if I was broken and he needed to take extra care to not damage me more.

“ Do you think I’m disgusting now? Or a puta? Cause I’m not like that. I mean you’ve got to know that?” It’s almost like I was questioning if he thought it was my fault. “ Babygirl this ain’t your fault mamas. No I don’t think your dirty or a slut. I think they are pieces of shit who need to be dealt with. You’re gonna tell me everything you know about them. I’ma hit ‘em up. Pop they top.”, he said it with such conviction. I knew he was not playing any games. And I broke down right there.

I know I cried every ounce of pain and anger I carried since that day I left running. Tone just held me and listened to me. He told me it was gonna be okay. He was gonna make sure nobody ever touched me again. As long as he was around I knew I’d never come across any type of harm again. From that day on Tone was almost always by my side.