Memories: 11 April 2025

11 April 2025

6:31 am today I am having lunch with Jarrod in celebration of my 60 years of gyrating around this blue marble, like a swirling cataclysmic cyclonic striation, I have survived…and at times thrived. With people who loved me, held me precious, never gave up on me.

Those few rare individuals made it possible for me to continue my Dance through Life and there were times when I could barely walk, or lay like sleeping beauty, my face to the wall, awaiting Death.

So I know more that most people the treasure stores of resilience, of determination, of Love: in all manifestations, to kickstart a woman back into her fullest glory.

I know the deep pain of being shucked aside cos I was deemed too much/or not enough by shallow callow people.

But the ones who truly loved me? Gifted me new life, Hope and the strength to go on…another day, another month, another year (some years were so awful that it was like grinding my teeth down to powder and whittling down my very bones and heart and mind).

But the last decade of my life brought regeneration from my own suicide attempt, my defiance against fake lovers and evil befouled trickster archetypes and sadists.

Ten years, getting free of filthy lying treacherous schmucks, getting free of psych meds, getting free of systemic abusers and governmental genociders and my own interpersonal traitors.

Ten years...lost in grief and ghastly horror but I held my line, and I danced through it all.

So tomorrow…will herald a new decade. I hope it will be kinder, more prosperous, more loving…with real authentic loves, like my solid friendships. More joy and delight in my life. More valuable connections with honouring trustworthy people.

I have been grieving Charlie intensely the past week…a delayed grief response. But I may be receiving not one but two birds, a ring neck and a cockatiel. Their owner is getting too old to care for them and wants to rehome them.

So if she decides to give them to me, that will bring joy into my life again. Although there will never be another Charley with her amazing personality and her freedom.

So life goes on…and I am gifted by beautiful souls who deeply honour me for my own gifts of freedom, of resilience and of love.

Grateful happy Warrior Goddess/Zombie/Psychedelic Dreaming, Boudiccean Muse here!

60 years have been gifted to me by the gods for what purpose…this longer than expected continuance, this miracle, this deeply excoriating whetting and whelping of my body/mind/spirit? To what end?

Maybe just maybe one fine day…my “happy ever after”! In the meantime, to Life, L’Chaim! A new chapter begins, surrounded by/with/for Love!

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My handsome talented friend/brother Jarrod spoiled me lavishly today as an early birthday gift. He took me out to East Leagues Club for a delicious lunch. He gave me his beautiful dinner set. Also the beautiful card and witchy protection spell kit. Powerful, heartfelt and so very thoughtful.

Thank you Jarrod. For being “there” for me for over 33 years. For loving me in all my weird quirky and often post-traumatic mad ways. I am so grateful to have you in my life. All my true friends, holding me together, keeping me precious when my entire world implodes.

Big big loves from Sacred Space at “Titania’s Realm” to infinity and beyond... As above, so below, as within, so without. I AM PROTECTED. I am Loved. I am happy!

It’s interesting he created that gorgeous birthday card with the beautiful bird as I may be getting a cockatiel and an Indian Ring neck in the near future. The ring neck is called “Kermie” and the cockatiel is called “Beau”. Both male birds.

So if their current owner decides to bless me with them, there will be life and joy and birdy num num shenanigans at Sacred Space again. :-)))).

11 April 2023

…

Extraordinary! I just arrived home from my wonderful mechanic. To discover this surprise at my back door! Some earthangel has gifted me a lovely sterling silver napkin ring, and some Shmura matzah!

But…they did not leave their name!

So Todah Rabah! Thank you for the gifts. A mystery from The Mystery! Baruch HaShem!

Update: I just rang Rabbi Jaffe to thank whomever dropped off the matzah and the gift of the napkin ring.

He did not know who made the delivery as I am not on his regular distribution route? So I thanked him anyway, for thinking of this little heathen Jewish witch who remains a Jew in her own heart and soul regardless.

I said I wished to thank the kind person who gifted me the silver as whoever it is must know that I am transmuting silver like a mad alchemist or Kabbalist into jewellery so they must be reading my Facebook proclamations . He had to laugh too and declared that the Holy One is gifting me indeed.

He mentioned he is celebrating the birth of his first granddaughter. Mazel Tov! I told him I am delighted especially to hear this news as I despair that I will ever have grandchildren after the Covid regime. All we can do is go forth and multiply while keeping faith in all good things.

He replied “Good Times are a-coming” which reminded me of my lovely Sylvia Shine (of blessed memory) who always held me up by the scrap of my scrappy schmucky neck (in far more dangerous times!) with that exhortation.

Sylvia is/was a cockney (East Londoner) and Rabbi Jaffe is from Manchester. Those good times keep rolling in for the English mindset. :-)

I laughed. I replied “Those good times are a long time a-coming but assuredly the Holy One has his own Timing and we must keep the faith”.

Yessiree…my own channeling the other day… have faith Tanya…then like Magick everything fell into place in perfect alignment. So we know…we lapsed Jews and arrant Kabbalists with one eye on the heavens and our stolid feet planted on the earth…the value of that Magick which after all, is love!

By the way…the highest form of tzedakah “Charity” in Judaism is to give anonymously. But I am a curious creature. I like to know and express gratitude to the appropriate person for my gifts. Argghhh! “Manners are the hallmark of civilisation” quoth Orson Welles aged 3!

So my thanking the rabbi who claimed not to know was rather quaint and hilarious. Ooops. Still my gratitude and joy is expressed so I hope my mystery person receives it. 😉. The Mystery of the Mystery Knowsssss. Selah!

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I made it to my mechanic safely. Phew! It will be lovely to have wheels again. Oh man, I can even drive to Bribie island and take the dog to the beach again. No more stressing and splonging in the shadowlands…for a while. A reprieve from my morose bad luck…or so I pray!

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Loll. I just had a man ask to follow me on instagram. His bio read…godfearing man…world health organisation. Can we say…Troll or love scammer? I laughed so much I almost peed my pants. What tipped me off? WHO!?

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Oh my goddess! I tell you…The Tanya and her Magickal 11th hour. I put a lot of prayers, manifestations, sweated blood, ate my own liver (my poor liver!) but… the multiverses with their divine Timing and weird sense of humour have done it again!

My beautiful but weird living Dead dolls sold. The woman who bought them paid cash without even raising up a sweat. She had beautiful long bright red dyed dreads down her back. She says she paints up porcelain dolls into horror dolls too.

I was still in bed in my nightie , when she and her son arrived. Awkward. But I had been up all night peeing like a racehorse on avid. Stress. Or Covid vaccine shedding…but eliminate I must. So I was so tired this morning I did not hear her text that she was on the way. Lovely woman.

I am glad they are going to a new home, where they will be cherished and appreciated. I told her they will hold their value kept pristine in their packaging. She was thrilled.

So cash in hand, I ring my mechanic, expecting to have to book the car in and having to wait a few weeks. He tells me that someone cancelled a job this morning so he has time today! Today!!!!

So I booked in for 11:30 am as I need to fix the car before that money disappears like acid rain on a tarmac in hell somewhere.

Everything falling into place in perfect harmonious timing, like clockwork. Only 9 days without the use of the car. Evan says the brakes won’t fail on my trip to his workshop on the Northside. Be’ezrat Hashem.

I also need to buy new tyres soon (another 5-600 dollars worth) but baby steps.

11 April 2022

1:39 am I am unable to sleep. I have been lying here since 10:30 pm, snoozing intermittently.

I have had a few spiritually unusual things happen in recent days. (After my terribly uncomfortable soul-depleting arse-wrenching illness!)

So the other day I visited Ailsa (I think this happened on Wednesday). As I was about to leave she grabbed my hand and practically yelled at me to “never let her down” as she Loved me. She looked me deep into my eyes and told me she was proud of me.

I started to cry but smothered my tears and walked home in a bit of state, as it has been rare that any of my own elders ever told me they were proud of me (except my neighbour Mrs Robertson when I was a small child who worked hard to deprogram me from all the abuse, neglect and emotional cruelty I was experiencing at home).

She was the only adult that ever praised me for my art or story writing, who ever cuddled me in such a way that I felt safe and genuinely loved and protected. A real mother to me!

So when Ailsa said she was proud of me I quipped “for what? I have achieved nothing in almost 57 years” but in the style of The Tanya I knew she was channeling as those with dementia, or very young children, or sometimes drunk people do.

So I realised she meant it. She is proud of me, for the love I expended on others without any hope of ever receiving it back, or as often happens in my life the love comes to me from animals, small children, the elderly or in other unexpected surprising ways but historically (or should that read “hysterically?!), rarely from my “lovers”.

So I got home, dried my tears and thought “sit up and take notice as this is a message!”

So today I attended my monthly drumming circle. The purpose of drumming is to enter into a light trance which for me, opens my psychic abilities or my creativity and sparks joy and also builds community and gifts me a feeling of connectivity with the multiverses (as does my wild tribal dancing which I am looking forward to resume next Saturday!)

So Skippy says to me at the end, “what do you think about the law of attraction?” It was a strange question from a fairly new acquaintance. I told him that I had read The Secret but I don’t like its cult like status or its greed or narcissism. That there is always a fine line, a shadow side of everything.

I explained that I recently manifested a lawnmower in just three weeks.

“Three weeks!!” He grinned enthusiastically.

I nodded. “Yes but… after I achieved it I very quickly discovered that I no longer have the lung capacity to do the mowing. So now it’s a very expensive white elephant that I still have to pay off but I will keep it as I can still use it for emergencies! So my manifestations have Yin and Yang and be careful what you wish for”. I grinned sheepishly.

He told me he is using affirmations as he hopes to find a wonderful woman still young enough to have a family with. I nodded. “There are plenty of wonderful women out there.”

So when I got home it hit me. I too have been tweaking my life with various affirmations in the hopes of finding a love partner and of course I have a particular person in mind but I am realistic enough to know that that one might never happen as there is Free Will and too many sordid little cruel emotional games were played in the past.

So Skippy randomly mentioning the law of Attraction and asking my opinion as to whether it works was another potent message.

It can and does work when the heart is open on both sides of that channel and the other person is ready, willing, able to meet you halfway, to begin a loving mutually exclusive faithful partnership devoid of games, sabotage, deceptions, doubts, fears etc of each other and those surrounding them.

I told Skippy “we are the 5 people we spend the most time with and if we surround ourselves with spiteful, callow, toxic, envious people who do not want us to have or be love or to thrive, who sabotage every opportunity out of envy or spite or fear, then really you have no hope of ever having a love partner as it will already be skewed or stymied by the outer circle of viciousness.”

Which is why I remain alone. I have had enough sadomasochistic vileness in my life.

So here I am, lying in bed, alone with my dog and it hit me. Two profound validations in the past 5 days.

My intentions, manifestations, affirmations, consolidations, my love that spirals up and down from the deepest abyss of grief to the most luxurious exuberant heights of Hope and exaltation have been “Heard”, registered by the Holy One, the Angels and the spirits and ancestors that love me.

I need only wait and see Who shows up with the most dedicated intentions and the purest love for me.

He is coming…Baruch Ha Ba’a …. I must be patient. I must allow my heart to remain open. I must raise my vibrations. I must forgive the feckless foibles of fearful sometimes cruel people (gahhhh) or if not forgive them, at least acknowledge they knew no better, the demonic little imps that they were…and I must Allow by the Grace of all the gods the love to build into a crescendo of kindness, bliss and intimate, trusted connectivity.

An enrichment that gifts not just me and my home, pets and “family” and friends but that brings a glow and a patina to all that witness it. A joy, a strength, an honour.

(Well, it could happen!) After feeling like I might be at Death’s Door last Monday morning my Angels brought me little Blessèd visitations from my gorgeous little neighbourhood children. Then the strangeness of Ailsa telling me she loves me and is proud of me, now Skippy mentioning affirmations without knowing that that has been my spiritual work and focus in recent months.

So that is a confirmation that I need to keep going…and see what pans out!

Time to schluff…it’s now 2:17 am and I am “babysitting” Ailsa in the morning. Laila Tov.

I am so grateful for the love that is pouring down to me from the Supernal realms and gifting me with peace, hope and little whimsical recalibration.

Oh and before I go back to sleep… Peter, Ailsa’s son told me on Saturday that his mother, although raised a strict Salvation Army girl has English Jewish ancestry! Her Ward family line. He said Ward was their anglicised name, it used to be much longer. I nodded and told him I knew she might be Jewish when she told me she absolutely refused to put on the Salvation Army uniform to go to church when she was just 13 years old. I knew she was a stubborn fierce little anarchist and renegade just like me!

I joked that the soul knows its true path even if consciously we are forced to fit into square holes and have other faiths or spiritualities. That it’s a big big universe and ultimately everything fits. Everything is connected!

That too made me giggle! Ailsa loves me because she Sees me. A fellow disenfranchised marginalised Jew! That struck me as rather cute and hilarious. How we, who were forced from our former communities or faiths find each other in mysterious ways. It’s kinda lovely. Albeit weird!

11 April 2020

11:11 pm message from the Angels....this too shall pass.

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11 April 2019

I felt crap yesterday and this morning woke up with discomfort in my gall bladder, and a sore throat. I should not have eaten those donuts two days ago. Now my body is fighting me.

I have an 8 am (!!!!WTF?!) appointment at the Princess Alexandra hospital on Monday. The hell of having to get up so early, and try to find parking and the stress of being booked in for more surgery will be off-set by getting rid of at least one source of infection/irritation/malfeasance inside my body. I guess once booked in the surgery will take place in a few months time.

Then even after the gall bladder is removed I will have to avoid fatty foods and try to get healthier.

But what a relief to be out of ongoing pain, extreme fatigue and discomfort. Here’s hoping, anyway.

Today is another beautiful day. Lyn and Danni are coming to visit so that is lovely. We shall sit under the frangipane trees and enjoy the garden.

Life is good!

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Yesterday my psychiatrist worried that I may never find or accept a partner. That even if I met a “good man” that I would be so prickly and self-protective that I would repel him.

Hmmm. How many truly good men have I met in my 54 years and oh, how many have turned completely rotten and abusive the second I did not submit to their control dramas or obsequious flirtations. Appalling. On a day I was actually feeling suicidal (again!!)

So I tell my worthy doctor that I have had so many good men perpetuate the worst kind of evils against me and I shall remain forever like a fiery little prickly ball of energy in a video game: the one that draws in with warmth and indulgence and fucking immense Pollyanna hope that I might find real love one day but then like an exploding sun blows out the false and weak and cruel potential suitors.

I laugh, almost hysterically but with a shade of forbearance. I remind my much admired and respected doctor that David Davidson (that filthy foul chabadnik homeopath psychopath) also once referred to me as having an itchy personality and how that was the death knell for my passionate love for him. A traitor par excellence. I explained he meant prickly but itchy was his expression.

Well my prickliness, my itch stems from decades of abuse and trauma. So like a Sabra in a long-forgotten desert, barely holding onto my inner juicy soul-nourishing elixir of Life, I shall remain The Tanya and prickle every useless cruel sadistic prick away.

My doctor is called away for yet another phone call which seems to happen lately in every session. He comes back to apologise profusely and states that I am at my core a good person and worthy of real authentic love and most of all, Respect.

I demur sweetly like a good little girl. “It’s ok, it’s nothing. It’s not important”. Internally I think, I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. To anyone. Not really. Not ever. But I stuff down my Berserker melodrama sitting like undigested Bile on my chest.

I continue with my therapy. Tell him about the former casual lover and his nastiness the other day at the supermarket. My doctor tells me it’s typical of men to control and abuse that which they can’t have and disrespected anyway.

Hmmm. Nothing new under the sun. No stark revelations or epiphanies. The Tanya remains unloved and disrespected. By all, except a few dear friends.

So today I feel better, slightly. Less suicidal. Less Berserk. More resigned. I have poured so much love and soul into fake and lacklustre people.

So the lesson is to become grandiosely obscenely selfish and pour love only into myself. Ahhh but I fear Narcissism and sociopathology and yet I crave to be Seen and Heard and valued so much that I skirt the edges of both serious perverted mental disorders.

I had a weird phone call from my daughter last night.

“How are you Mum?”

“Fucking distraught, dear?! You?”

She does not ask me why but I tell her about my pointless abortive therapy and my encounters with creeps in supermarkets and then she tells me about her sad news that one of her friends just separated from her husband and how awful and distressing it is but she knew the marriage would not work.

My kid born with insight beyond her years, being raised with her deeply traumatised mother. I concur.

It’s hard to find a truly good man or father these days. Some of us women are cursed to have never had real love or support in a sexual partner. We had to raise our kids alone in violence and poverty and neglect. I don’t wish that for our mutual friend. I don’t wish that on anyone.

But we women are strong. Especially if we have kids to live for. Our friend will be okay.

So Crystal says something about how hard it is to live with a depressed person . I say, calmly “I know. It’s very very difficult”. I get off the phone and contemplate which motherfucker spy on my Facebook told her to call me. Or is she finally attuned to my cosmic distress calls???? Hahaha.

I think for a while about being angry about it then decide it’s a good thing. Maybe she finally gets her mother after all. If not...not.

Nothing to be done but live as joyously as I can extricate from the very bowels of my naked trembling Neshamah, kicked and spurned by G-d and the gods but loved, so loved.

Is this a fifth dimension upgrade? Seeing the bullshit. Knowing the bullshit. Loving the bullshit but still fertilising my personal garden with it anyway?!

I am blooming. In my own determination to thrive from a life that was not just prickly and itchy but cut deep like barbed wire or thorns of dead roses.

Blessed and beautiful.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

#theDesiredOne

#theBerserker

#theThriver

#itchyandscratchyshow.

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11 April 2018

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My doctor is proud of me that the vile institutional and systemic, in fact let’s face it, Endemic Abuse has still not Broken me.

Every single day of my existence is a proud testament to my Survival to Thrival and an emphatic and staunch Fuck You to Society.

Love me or Hate me but I stand in my own Light!

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Craving fish and chips but The Tanya was a good girl and came home to reheat spag bol and cook some pasta instead. Not quite as yummy or comforting but much healthier than the comfort acting out Greasies!

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I have just debriefed with my doctor. He loves my idea of starting a pop-up social club as a safe space for women and marginalised men. He thinks it will attract gay men and also abuse survivors as we are all sick to death of elitist abuse dynamics in the night life. There is a successful similar concept happening in Sydney for gay men who were tired of being excluded.

I want a safe inclusive space for all of us, where we can have a few drinks, dance and be joyous without the utter contemptuous filthy abusive depravity I have witnessed or been subjected to at the Treasury Casino and before that, at Irish Murphy’s where, when I dared demand justice and decency I was banned.

So that level of perpetuating abuse needs to stop. It stops by my friends and associates creating our own safe fun space. Ie take our business where we are treated with respect.

I will talk to various venues if they are interested in allocating us part of their bar or club to have our own private functions.

Please message me if you are interested in joining with me or for ideas of suitable inclusive venues.

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Another beautiful day. Every day is a beautiful gift waiting to be revealed. Unwrapped carefully but filled with surprises.

I am grateful for my own survival. There is so much I missed out on but so much that is flowing to me, gently and beautifully in my ocean of dreams.

11 April 2017

I was finally able to get my hrt patches today. So slapped on some juicy stuff. Been without them for 3 months.

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Busy day. I had to get my drivers license renewed. All good for another 3 years. Damn nuisance but bureaucracy must be mollified. Now having a nice cup of tea with my Beauregard and Charlie out in the garden.

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11 April 2016

I am having a lovely evening. My gorgeous friend Jarrod spoilt me lavishly by making a delicious caramel mud cake. Then together we prepared dinner. Chicken breasts sliced up and cooked with coconut cashew sauce and basmati rice cooked with coconut milk and a dash of lime.

He also spoilt me with a delicious Pink Moscato which tastes like Turkish delight and berries. Yummy!

Now to watch Netflix!

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Jarrod says the great Work is Done. He is done. Arranging my Alchemy trove.

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Just had my 2 yearly mammogram. It didn't hurt as much as in previous visits. The lady was very gentle and kind although I did feel the beginning of a hysterical conversion (fit) brought on by stress but I told myself not to be so silly as I have done this squishing stabbing thing dozens of times and it is just a machine.

Like most things in life if you shift your focus you can get through anything. But I am the Queen of Disassociation. Lmao!

I hope she got a good result as sometimes when they don't hurt like Hades you have to come back as the pictures aren't clear enough. Hohum, diddlybum.

Now home waiting for Jarrod and Harvey to arrive. Beauregard has a meaty thingy. So he is happy with his lot in life and will be even happier when he has Harvey to play with. (I mean Annoy).

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5.11 am Thank you Hashem. The chaff and the wheat are sorted so we may bake bread. You do honour me in mysterious ways. Amen

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*TRIGGER WARNING: csa, domestic violence, rape.

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Who are you? She asks, with a sneer.

Who do you think you are? My mother yells.

Who the hell are you?

Fear is behind these words. Fear.

I tell you Whom I am. Whom I once was. Sweet. Fragile. Innocent. Damaged. Tainted. Denied. Underprivileged amidst the illusions of wealth that still smother me.

I am the "dirty little girl". That dares to look you in the eye. That shows you who you should be grateful not to be. Whose life is a fucking statistic that is skewed to hate the poor and the low achievers. As if the rich and successful don't fuck their kids too. Pulverise their wives (or husbands) bodies, minds and bank balances to nil balances. Often even to death.

I am the Bitch, the Harlot, the foul breathing dragon's blood and sinew and ejaculate that wouldn't die. Even when you squeezed my throat and pounded my vagina. Dealing death and rot and blight.

I am the leprous scourge of cascades of trauma, stinking of betrayals, lies and slander, set-ups, and sociopathic games.

I am Whom I am Becoming. I am That I am. I am alive and I survive and thrive and jive and vibe because I looked abusers in the eye and I tasted their lust or greed or pathetic need to feel powerful. At my expense. At any expense. Just because.

I dance in my garment of freedom and light. No longer a smiling capricious mask-wearing obedient serf.

I am Queen of my own Survival. I wear the cloak of your condemnation, judgement, fucking elitism. But the queen of the damned, outranks you by a thousand to one.

So now it is done. My heart goes on. And I Belong.

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Pesach is coming on April 22. The Angel of death smiting the first-born of Egypt. Paint your lintels with blood of the innocent. Look busy. (Time to clean house!)

Ahh well! At least it didn't fall on my birthday this year. I can eat cake -guilt-free chometzdik opulence!

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Courage. Honour. Self-Love. Authenticity. Determination. Love. Hope. Rise and Shine.

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It's been an emotional weekend. I had a great time Saturday night. Even though my usual "suitors" (aka stalkers) upped the ante and were rather persistent. Persistently annoying, bless them.

Two invited me home for a cooked dinner. (In honour of my birthday). Nice men but I really don't fancy being part of the dessert menu. One got a little too intimate. I had to gently remove his hand from around my shoulder.

Ugh! This is the same dude I had to unfriend as he kept asking to come to my house. Or to his. Yup he is keen but as is usual in my weird non-existent love life…I am not interested in that level of intimacy.

Partly because I am still in love and partly because I don't want to be used or abused or manipulated, taken control of, finagled, possessed, obsessed over or cornered.

I just want to live my life, be happy, fly above the clouds and wait for the man who doesn't make me feel "icky". Is that even possible?

Not one of my suitors offered me a drink but they are quick to lay claim to me. What a fucking Liberty!

Thank god for my two women friends who do spoil me when they can. No creepy sexual or control dramas there. Good women who love me for me.

This afternoon I attended a meeting with Tzedek. Very interesting. I am relieved and happy to see they have established a branch here in Brisbane. Much needed! I hope people use it as a resource.

It was nice to put a face to the names of a few of the people who have supported me, and to meet up with an old acquaintance who was also very kind.

He gave me some brochures from the Relaxation Centre. An article on manifestation and being in the flow.

The irony (and message from Hashem) was not lost on me as I have been manifesting a different kind of life: one where I am loved and I am prosperous, hopefully even healthy.

But when your life is floating at the top of effluent then you just gotta say "Fuck dat shit".

I explained that I was a good little manifester when I was young. I had a freehold house by the age of 23 and lost everything, business, home, car, swimming pool, security, almost my life and only 3 short years ago, my rightful inheritance, because I was surrounded by intrinsically evil people.

Karma might be a bitch and I may have paid my dues but I am much happier now. Being free of the evil bullshit.

Anyway, it was nice to be treated with sensitivity and kindness after attending a meeting full of so many of my detractors.

One thing my life has taught me over and over again is the power of "facing the hag". Of course, good kind genuine people more than make up for the cruddy ones.

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I just wrote to Doc Martens. I want my boots back. Well, to buy another pair exactly the same. I loved them so! They were the symbol of my freedom and triumph over adversity.

They were also edgy, comfortable and I had so much fun in them. I wore them for 3 years most weekends when I danced at a certain infamous (violent, sleazy but quirky) Irish bar where I made my mark until people went toxic and vicious because they were fucking jealous or just because they could!

I hope like hell Doc Martens can make another pair or have a pair in storage somewhere. Getting my footsie Mojo back would be the best birthday present to myself ever.

Mind you the mojo is not my boots, corsets or skirts or flowers in my hair. It comes from my spirit and attitude. I bite life in great chomping gulps. No half-chewed half-bitten under-developed desires!

Life might have chewed me up and spat me out more times (or incarnations!) than I would have consciously chosen but by the gods, I will eat my repast and enjoy every meal on my personal Shulchan Aruch until I Die(-t!)

"I have set before you blessings and curses therefore...choose Life". Well yeah, I have ultimately chosen. Now it would be a really neat trick if Life chose me! Former Zombies have now become super women whom need to fly like Icarus and Pegasus, into the light.

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Good advice. Hmmmm coughing and laxatives. Involuntary sphincter muscular movement in explosive expression. Lovely!

11 April 2015

I finally woke up @ 6.30 pm. Wow! So tired but then I had been hammered in the past 6 months with so many issues. The alleged paedophile situation being the worst, the vicious double-faced bastards at the pub, a few at the casino. Now that woman went to court yesterday. She better leave me the fuck alone now.

Anyway, I am freed up to kickstart a whole new life at 50 and leave the past and other people's rotting dead evil bullshit behind me.

I can actually breathe again. I was so relieved yesterday, knowing that I have done all I can to get justice and where I have failed, I know Karma is going to mete out worse stuff than even I could dream up.

I am at peace with this. I have called upon the Wrath of G-d on those who senselessly and maliciously harmed me. Now the waiting begins. I won't be focussing on it though.

It's out of my control. Let go, let G-d.

I hope that my life gets smoother, more joyous and more serene than ever.

I honestly can't take any more shit.

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My doctor told me this years ago. It wasn't news to me. Even my former sister bought me a Torc (a bracelet worn by Viking and Celtic warriors) in recognition that I have had to stand up and fight for everything in my life, including my sanity.

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3.45 am. I could have danced all night. So I did. Just got home. Ezekiels's dry bones hurt like hell but I had a wonderful time.

Stef waited for me to arrive at the casino. He bought me a few drinks during the evening. (I brought my car in). Karen arrived, and we all danced and had a lovely time. Tish, Moana and Helen all joined in.

I feel great :-). Exhausted but happy.

11 April 2011

I stayed up until 4 am last night, feeling very fragile. Woke up at 2.40pm today, feeling very calm and peaceful almost serene. I've been decompensating quietly ever since. I wish I had enough money to go out and get completely stonkered. Not that it would make me any better but it would be good to blow out the cobwebs in my brain.

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I have done two loads of washing with a couple more to go, watched some old war movie on teev and made a few earrings - trying to match up the dozens of odd earrings my mother made while she suffered Alzheimers.

It's a huge cosmic joke because she has made them so very close but with one bead or crystal different so they are useless as pairs. I almost think she did this on purpose so I'd have to remake everything if I want to wear/sell them LOL.

She'd be up there, laughing her ghostly arse off because she always wanted me to go into the costume jewellery business with her, used to make me pay for any jewellery I bought from her (even if it was wholesale!) and once told me she deliberately drove me into bankruptcy cos she was angry I did not help her with her jewellery business.

Which is wrong on so many levels as I had had no time to work with her when I had the chicken shop, small children of my own and after the divorce, when I lost everything, including my mind, she gave me zero support. I was in no state to do business, or even work.

So now I'm left with all her crap on so many levels, but I guess I'll have to do something with all the beads and crystals I've bought over the years and the stuff I got from Mum. So just pottering at the moment, as I don't think costume jewellery will sell well in today’s market. People prefer gold and silver nowadays!

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Update 2022: Hmmm, I cleaned most of my copper pots and kitchenware a few days ago.

Copper is attributed to Venus the goddess of Love!

Everything always flows beautifully when my copper is clean! It also looks beautiful and sparks joy in my kitchen!

11 April 2010

Happiness is well fed oppossums who dance on the roof (well I guess it's almost Fiddling on the Roof or Piddling or Diddling), 3 contented cats, and a satisfied dog who had (gasp) two walks in two days, a clean fishpond with some sociable fish and a well fertilised garden...now I just have to sort my own life out and brush my hair occasionally and it will be Sweet!

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Jarrod bought me two lovely plants for my garden today, a Cardinal Creeper vine and a jasmine that I am going to grow over an old wicker chair and try to train it into the chair shape. So I am thrilled.

Gail bought me a lovely bottle of Baileys which is a real treat as I haven't bought a nice liqueur in years. So I am saving it up for my birthday soiree on Monday....woohhooo!

11 April 2009

Well I French Kissed the morning. So far it tasted kind of mouldy but it has been raining here for 3 days.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons