Meeting My Inner Demon

I met my inner demon this morning. I was alone in my bed and dozing through a haze of thoughts, ideas and feeling that old familiar tug at my heart when the love of my life was included.

It was Christmas Eve day and I had a few things I still had to do in the real world, but the bed was so warm and comfortable and I snuggled down for a few more minutes before the shower and dressing began. I was almost asleep when the thoughts began to wander in. They always began with my heart starting to beat a little faster until my anxiety brought that beat to a profound panic attack crescendo.

First it was that little whisper. Maybe my love had acted a bit differently when he came home last night. Had he spent more time looking at his phone than usual? Wasn't he a little bit less than his usual affectionate self? And, why did he spend a little extra time in the shower this morning? Didn't he spend more time than he usually did choosing what clothing he wanted to wear today?

Boom, boom, boom... my heart was thumping and my thoughts began to jumble into a kaleidoscope of images from the past.

Dana and I met 6 months ago. We were in the midst of the pandemic when we met, but it was summer and at least there was the opportunity for us to meet without the fear that had held the world in it's grip during the last winter.

We had been texting back and forth for awhile and it was really evident right from the start that there was a deep connection between us. When we finally met all he could do was look at me and keep repeating.. "Oh my God, WOW!" And, I felt the same.

He was going through a tough divorce, but we decided that we could weather that storm together. So, we moved in together pretty quickly. We both needed to change our current living situations and it seemed like the right thing to do. It was.

My weakness has always been my insecurities that I am second best, not good enough, not pretty enough, and a myriad of other self defeating thought patterns. So, when a couple of ex girlfriends appeared out of his past and confronted me it set me right up for the usual anticipated fall.

Dana is a Harley dude. We are both in our sixties, but young for our age. He is independent, funny, sexy, and so very loving. He tells me often that he loves me and I believe him.

However, that didn't stop the old patterns of jealousy and fear from reappearing as they always did during my serious relationships. He hates to argue and I do too. But, when that old familiar anxiety started in I allowed myself to go with the flow and confronted him about things that had no real basis of fact. I was self sabotaging the best relationship that had ever come my way.

One morning I woke up and the pounding in my chest was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. But, I knew that my heart was in good shape and that it was a mental process which was in turn creating the physical process. It didn't stop me from making the usual accusations and sending them like spears his way. Luckily for me, he does love me enough to understand that these infrequent outbursts aren't really who I am. I knew I had to end the pattern once and for all. I just didn't know how to do that.

I have been walking a spiritual pathway all of my life. I am not religious at all. However, I do believe that there is something beyond me that helps to guide my pathway. I have done the self work over the years from learning meditation to yoga to alternative healthcare. I even wrote articles for an ezine and taught classes about esoteric subjects. I can help other people with their issues, but I am often at a loss when it comes to myself.

All I knew was that I had to do something. I had met the love of my life, and I wanted to spend the limited time I have on this earth with him. He makes me smile and laugh and when I am with him my life is complete. I wasn't going to let that demon inside me ruin that.

I guess it was at that time that I realized that it was a demon inside me that was controlling these panic attacks and outbursts. It was a green eyed little bitch that spewed out doubts, fears, jealousy, envy and a dozen other hurtful emotions. She had always been with me. I just didn't see her hiding there just outside the light that was my soul.

After a lot of soul searching this year, I began to realize that I was the one in charge of my life and I wasn't about to allow that little bitch to get in my way any longer. When those old feelings began to emerge I would simply say out loud, "It's his business and not mine." It worked!! I began to see how much I had been trying to control his life. He was afraid to even mention another woman's name for fear I would start throwing the emotional daggers his way again. We both were finally beginning to be free from the fear that I would go off the deep end everytime he deviated from his normal routine.

I know this sounds horrible, and believe me it was. I hated acting and especially feeling that way. But, I couldn't control it.. or at least I didn't know how until I finally gave him back his life. It is his business and not mine.

I had been using this mantra repeatedly for about a month until today when she appeared. I had put the brakes on the panic attack.. used the mantra.. and I was getting ready to get up out of bed and start the day. I was still in that haze between sleep and awake when I heard her pound up the stairs. She was livid. She looked just like me except that her face was tear stained and twisted in rage. She didn't speak. She just stood there shaking and glaring at me.

I felt my dream self go to her. I faced her and calmly told her that I loved her but that she wasn't in charge of me anymore. My business was my business and it didn't include her. I loved the part of her that was my sardonic self, off the wall funny. She was my wild child, the free spirit who could howl without inhibition at the full moon. She was my instinctual self that warned me about real danger at times. She was a part of me I didn't want to ever lose.

I don't think she liked our conversation. In fact, I know she didn't. But, she had no option but to accept that I wasn't buying into her insecurities any longer.

I'm not saying that I might not have a slip or two in this process. It's all new to me and there are days when the struggle to stay on top of her whisperings is a lot harder than usual. But I got this.

I love my green eyed demon... and I hope that someday she will merge even more into the self I have become. I am pretty sure she will.