Marcy's Black Book

It has been 6 months since Marcy passed. 6 long, lonely months. Daria remembers the final day like yesterday. She knew the call would come. She saw the call coming in from Mark and Mark would only call when Marcy couldn’t. During that time, calls from Marcy slowed and Daria was sure to visit after work every day. The brain cancer had taken over and the doctor had already informed them that there was little time left.

There was an intense feeling this day 6 months ago even before the phone rang. She picked up the phone. “Daria, she’s gone.” That’s all he could muster up. There was silence for what seemed like forever. Daria gasped and then could only hold her breath in to keep from crying. In a very faint voice, Mark says “I know you need this time as much as I do. If you need me…call. When you get the energy, please stop by. I’ll update you on the funeral arrangements. We will talk soon.” And with that, he hung up.

She remembers the days after Marcy’s passing. She keeps reliving the day of the funeral. During the repass, Daria walked into Marcy’s tiny, quaint office. There was the mysterious little black notebook in the computer drawer she had seen a few times before. This was something she was not given access to. She could tell it was important because she would see Marcy carefully tuck it away several times when Daria would come into the office. She could see the care in how Marcy held and would put away the book. It would be rare for Daria not to be told about something in Marcy’s life and that went both ways.

When Daria lifted the notebook’s fancy flap on the front and opened to the first page, she could see it was a journal and that’s what she suspected all along. Something told her that the book had secrets – it must have! Marcy had been very emotional about her marriage for many years and for many reasons. In this moment, Daria did only what she knew how to do – protect her best friend. What was in it? Did Mark even know about it? What if – just what if he got his hands on it? Would the contents break his heart?

She slid the notebook in her purse and then straightened the room up some. It was difficult – she couldn’t get herself to toss anything because everything reminded her so much of Marcy. Mark had asked her to help him organize. But he was saying anything these days just to avoid the feeling of void and loneliness. Funeral arrangements were the priority and now that services were over, she was standing in the office that used to be so full of life, so full of production, so full of creativity.

Marcy enjoyed her job as marketing director before she became ill. Outside of work, she would start these projects but would not always finish them. She had a busy mind with the best ideas – she inspired Daria. They had been besties since elementary. She remembers the day she dropped her school lunch tray and everybody laughed while she scrambled to pick it up. Suddenly there was a tiny hand on the opposite end picking up food. Instead of laughing or staring, Marcy came out of nowhere to help. They were inseparable ever since.

To Daria, talking to Marcy was like talking to her very own self – there were no secrets, not really. She was a part of her. Daria never felt judged about anything no matter how chaotic the situation. Daria read Marcy’s journal every day until her last entry. As Daria read during the month following Marcy’s death, it brought her a range of emotions but mainly contentment in knowing that Marcy still felt close by as she read her thoughts. A part of her knew Marcy would not be upset and that she would understand her reasons for taking the notebook from the office in the first place.

Based on the dates, she had begun journaling a year before the diagnosis. A lot of what she read was no surprise. Marcy had been paranoid in her suspicions that Mark was having an affair during his out-of-state business trips before she got the news of the brain cancer. Mark is a leading engineer with his employer and frequent travel is required. Daria remembers Marcy’s paranoia and Daria made every attempt to ease her mind and reminded her that there was no evidence to back her wariness.

Marcy had the world in her lap. There was only one thing with the power to truly get Marcy all the way down. Mark and Marcy tried for many years to conceive a child but it never happened. Marcy had her bouts of depression with the fertility issues, but outside of that she had everything else a woman could imagine. Mark gave her whatever she needed and wanted. She had the luxury of working to be busy, not for money. Any position she had, she enjoyed or she left comfortably. She did not have to work, but she chose to.

Daria’s life was a far cry from that of Marcy’s world. A divorcee with 2 teenage children who were going thru serious adolescent challenges and a job that she had to endure as an insurance adjuster to make all ends meet. She had credit card debt, was unlucky in the love department, and her life had been feeling like she was merely getting by. Daria just wanted to feel present in her life versus just winging it.. She had other skills but survival mode would keep her from those dreams.

Marcy always reminded Daria to never allow those dreams to be pushed to the back burner. Marcy was the escape from survival. Every 6 months they took girl trips until she got sick and lost strength. Every day they called one another. Every day they texted. Marcy tried to help Daria develop a positive perspective about life following the divorce – now she is gone.

The diary entries came to life. She loved her husband so much and prayed he was not cheating. “I cannot even imagine my life without my King. He has taken care of me emotionally and physically. Do I give him the same feelings he gives me? Dear God, please make me everything he dreams of again if I am not that anymore. God please make him love me like he did when he proposed to me.” “Does he love me? Is he still hurting over the fact that we have no children? Will he leave me for someone who can give him kids? It’s not fair!”

It also broke Daria’s heart to read some of the entries. Marcy had been untruthful about her acceptance of never bearing a child. Her emotions were all over the place in this journal. One day was good with thoughts of Mark and the future and the next entry was full of emotional despair. Her mind was busy and Daria always knew that. But then there were the entries of pure bliss and gratitude. “Mark takes good care of me. I could not have asked for a better man to lead me in this life. There is nothing I would not do for him. God, thank you for blessing me with this man. He has accepted every flaw I have.”

Some entries made Daria smile, tear up with joy, and even laugh. There were entries about their friendship. One entry read “Daria is my sister and the only woman I have ever trusted fully. I trust her more than my own blood family. She is my soul sister, the other end of my lifeline.” That page was now crinkly from Daria’s tears. Oh, how she missed her so much!

It was surreal to read how Marcy’s thought process changed from despair following the diagnosis to acceptance of her imminent death. She blamed and questioned God and that slowly transitioned to gratitude of a comfortable life before her illness. She was aware that her life was a quality one and that she experienced so much that only some would dream to.

Instead of seeing the book as something to hide and protect on behalf of Marcy, it gave Daria closure and peace at the end. Marcy stopped writing just before the pain was unbearable – about a month before her death. In those last 2 weeks of life, she was heavily sedated and nodding or shaking her head in response to questions – and that was on a good day with strength. During the last couple of days, it was silence but Daria could still feel Marcy’s spirit and it was loud – even amid silence.

After sitting with it for a month following the reading of the last journal entry, Marcy decided that Mark needed the closure too. Marcy had come to realizations by the end of her life that Mark was faithful all along and her entries reflect that positive progression of thought. Daria had to give the same opportunity to Mark which she had been given – the peace which the journal entries brought to her following the loss of Marcy.

That day came. Mark had no idea why Daria showed up. She smiled reassuringly as she handed him the book. He had a look of such innocent confusion as he gently took the black notebook from Daria’s hands. “She would want you to have this.” The tears were so full in her eyes to the point that he was a blur in front of her. She did not accept his offer to come in but instead asked if he was okay. Mark said he had been doing alright considering all things. They embraced and she left him there holding the notebook and a bunch of questions.

Two months later, there was a thank you note in the mailbox. It read, “Daria, I want send a big thank you for this irreplaceable gift. There aren’t words that can describe the peace and gratitude I feel for the first time since losing my dearest Marcy. Reading her words gave me clarity in areas that I did not have before and it gave me calm in knowing that she felt taken care of all the way to the end. You are a true friend and sister to my wife – beyond this life.” There inside the thank you letter, a check for $25,000. Until now, Daria never received an amount of money of this magnitude at once. She stared at it for 5 minutes until she could begin to believe it was real.