Making up my mind

Recently, I watched the Matrix trilogy's fourth part(!). Besides many things, I realised the underlying thing that the movie has always made me think of was how does one keep choosing the 'red pill' once have chosen that path? The very fact someone even gets that choice, is a big deal, and eventually, it's not just a one time thing, but needs to be done on every single waking moment.

It is surely glamorous to free one's mind and walking the road less treaded, but do we really know what lies ahead of us? Last two years have been hard, and that, like everyone else is absolutely an understatement. It has been challenging on every possible level. In spite of all that, what has kept each one of us going is what has kept us going in life prior to the pandemic as well. Resilience, as they call it is something that strengthens with every moment, while the challenges one can hold grow in magnitude.

I'd have never believed this, had I never experienced it first hand. While extending support to others, I often find leaving myself behind. Taking care of myself, and not numbing pain is something I have learnt lately (in past two years).

When I was at home during the first lockdown, being a total homebody I had a ball. I enjoyed all my introvert friendly activities and alike. Soon thereafter, I started feeling some emotions rise in me. The kind of emotions, I felt quite alien towards. I have never experienced anger before. Let alone express it really. As I even acknowledge this, it makes me wonder how is it possible to not have experienced such a critical and important emotion all my life?

In the quest to be the 'nice girl', I have stuffed a little too much of anger beneath my sweet smile. Making choices have naturally been difficult for me, it has always been choosing between heart and mind. Heart compelled me to choose that which set my spirit free, and mind that made me stick to the narrative of 'nice girl'.

Being a 'nice girl', read a people pleaser comes with its can of worms, which often spills when one is all by themselves. Feeling hollow from within, as we've rarely found time to fill up our souls. From normal day to day irritation, it seeps into anger that is rarely seen, which eventually hardens as resentment that sits deeps within. Awaiting to erupt like a mighty volcano.

One important thing I learnt with all this time by myself to tackle the frustration, after losing my job in early pandemic stage, being single for all my life, and health not something that I was seeing improving, I simply decided to sit with my emotions. Mainly this anger, that only peeked its head in sarcastic comments. If words could kill, I definitely carry a dagger around.

I decided three things for myself, to work with my anger, which I would like to share with you here.

First was to start acknowledging this feeling or irritation and start to let body experience anger. Learn to 'label emotion' for what it is. I have realised, this thing diffuses the emotion to such a great extend, just don't go by its simplistic sounding nature. When we accept we are angry, the anger subsides a great deal. Denial is an enemy of anger.

Secondly, I taught myself to pause. And when I say I taught myself, I really had to work hard on this. Sarcasm seems to be my mother tongue by this point, and holding myself back has been a tough task, for I've said things I'd regret later. So, this 'pause' and 'breathe' technique has helped me immensely. At times it made me realise, my anger was in fact 'hurt'.

And here comes the third step. The 'hurt' was the real deal. I have been feeling hurt for such a long time, that it was next to impossible to differentiate between certain seemingly similar emotions. Identifying the 'hurt' in any situation was the real breakthrough for me. Every time I now feel angry, I just ask myself, "What did actually hurt me here?" And often times, I find a voice of 5 or 6 or 8 year old me, wanting to be heard, or seen or simply acknowledged.

When I talk of resilience, it is all about what I learnt to maneuver around the day to day hurts, that cause me (or anyone else) to lose their cool, and do things that they might regret later. Worse, hurt someone else in the process.