Make Me Proud

My eyes lit up the moment she walked in on that cold Autumn’s day. Her mother just steps behind. I could feel her excitement as she side shuffled to my desk in her oversized boots; fur tassels bouncing in a rhythm leading one to believe magic lived within her.

An eager young mind, she held a thirst for knowledge. I watched her tiny fingers clasp onto the edge of the only front desk, my desk, to stabilize the fact that she was on her tippy toes. Smiling, I looked up at her mother who had pulled the hat from her head and begun brushing through her long, dark and untamed hair.

“Millie Ann! No.”

Receiving a look of disapproval from her mom, Millie finished wiping her wet nose into the sleeve of her jacket before her mother pulled out a tissue.

Blowing her nose, I watched, romanticizing the idea of one day being a mom.

“Why don’t you tell the lady what you’re here for, Millie?”

Five years old at most, Millie approached me knowing exactly what she was looking for.

“I’d like to learn about The Ring of Fire!”

“Great choice Millie! My name is Gemma and I’ll help you find your way around the library.”

Hopping back to the floor on her flat feet, I came around to meet Millie and her mother, leading them into the children’s nonfiction atlas. A place where we kept all of our travel books for young curious minds.

Excitement engulfed me. There were so many countries boarding The Ring of Fire. I imagined how I'd introduce all of them to her. Chile, Mexico, Antarctica, Russia, Japan, New Zealand, Indonesia, Peru. Where to start wasn’t in question, but how to keep this quest alive certainly was.

“Before you both settle in, let’s get you signed up with a library card so you can take out all the books you could possibly need!”

“All the books!?” Millie’s voice was bright.

I cherished Millie’s eyes lighting up while she looked around, touching the spines of categorized novels and magazines.

Continuing to follow me, we made it back to my desk. Decorated with last month's calendar still pinned and a vision board masking all the cancer research I had done recently, I laughed under my breath in admiration for her wanderlust, “Yes, Millie. All the books.”

Signing Millie up for her very first library card she was smiling in a statued fashion.

“You must be really excited to be here, Millie?”

From ear to ear she stretched her tiny voice, “You bet! My grandpa told me all about the Ring of Fire. There’s a song about it, you know?” Looking back at her mom, Millie asked, “Johnny, right?”

“Yes, darling. Johnny Cash.” Millie’s mom rested her hand back on Millie’s head while Millie continued to talk.

“Johnny. Cash. Yes! My grandpa is a huge fan an—, an—, and I’m a huge fan of my grandpa! So I want to know everything when I see him again.”

Hushed, Millie’s mom spoke, “I’m sorry. We just lost her grandpa to cancer in the Spring. She still hasn’t quite processed it. But if you can help?”

“I’m ready for my picture!” Millie interrupted.

“Darling, they don’t do—“, Millie’s mom spoke.

Gazing at the photographer pinned to my vision board, I jumped in, reaching for my polaroid camera, “We can accommodate!”

I had bought the camera last year when I planned to take a road trip. However, with the word cancer rolling around in my head like the ghost I knew I’d one day be, the trip still hadn't happened.

Introducing Millie and her mother to the country of Taiwan to start, I pulled enough colourful books with pictures and facts to capture their interest while I created a concealed library card just for her. Remembering a small black notebook I had at my desk, it was perfect for Millie. I mean, it would be once I was done with it. Hesitant on how I could pull this off, inspiration naturally struck as Millie’s photo began to shine through the developing polaroid.

Snipping away at the front cover of the little black book, I placed four slits at the corners and inserted her headshot snuggly into the interior sleeve like a passport. That was it. A passport. I had built Millie a reading passport.

Looking up at the time, an hour had passed and I could see Millie and her mother putting their jackets back on. Giving a quick once over of Millie’s reading passport, I wrote the library name and address on the front cover in a gold metallic sharpie and made a place for her to sign her name inside of the book. Giving Millie her first border stamp that day back in 1997, to Taiwan, a single glance up at me and I knew she’d be back.

I was right. She came back every Saturday morning for the next seven years with her mother. Then, alone as she grew older. Taking out a new book on a new country from around the world, she had studied The Ring of Fire extensively and exhausted the library's resources.

Broadening her horizons, the world really had become her oyster. She knew it better than the back of her hand and I found peace in her presence having battled my cancer from the back burner for so long. It had been too many years, an abundance of treatments and several celebrations. However, I had reached the end of the road. Given less than two more years after deciding against additional chemo, my quality of life was poor. I simply chose to save my money for a rainy day instead.

Although sick, I think I looked forward to stamping Millie’s reading passport just as much as Millie enjoyed learning about the world. Because of this she continued to humor me even when she grew old enough to know that all she ever needed was a simple library card. But this was our thing and her collection of destinations was growing impressively vast. She decided she was going to grow up to be an anthropologist; continuing to learn while working remotely from all the places she had read about in the library.

Framed by an aura, I knew she was going to impact the world in a positive light just by the way she kept my spirits high and my mind alive beyond my life expectancy during cancer. Even though Millie knew about my cancer at this point, she interacted with me as if I was invincible. I think that's what kept me strong. She was exactly what this new world needed for the preservation of humanity.

Continuing to pull books to new countries, Millie was nearing her last days of high school which meant she was getting older. So, I was getting older too. I knew this day would come. Over a decade since my original cancer diagnosis and the cancer had spread aggressively. The day Millie would visit and I'd be gone was quickly approaching. I warned her of this but she didn’t believe me. Maybe it's that she just didn’t want to.

Millie, from five to seventeen, I still hadn’t had children of my own. Yet, Millie felt as if one, filling an absence to my longing void. Watching her grow up more than just a reader, she brought me flowers on father’s day to fill the neglect of her absent father figure. She filled me in on her love life and school work, always making time for me knowing one day maybe I’d prove her wrong and my cancer would actually get the best of me.

It did. Cancer got the best of me. I stopped going into the library just weeks before her high school graduation, but Millie didn’t give up on me. She’d continue taking books out on new countries and would visit me at the hospital, reading to me as we took flight together. I continued to give her border stamps for her literacy travels.

This particular day was different though. I felt already separated from my body while lying on the hospital bed. So, I positioned myself with what I had prepared for, after pulling the money I had saved for a rainy day from under my pillow. My time had come. I could only hear her excited voice calling my name as my eyes shut for the last time.

“Gemma!” Millie came rushing into the hospital room to find lifelessness on the monitor. Just an envelope with ‘Millie’ written on it embraced between my two hands which were resting on my chest. Pulling the envelope away, Millie opened the seal and pulled out a scribbled note.

‘I lived vicariously through your wanderlust. Now go seize that big ol’ world - Love Gemma’

Collapsing to her knees in a cry, Millie dropped the envelope and a book she was carrying to the floor. She had received all but one country in her reading passport, Italy. Staring at the word Italy titled on her final book cover, her attention was grabbed by a paper bill peeking out of the envelope I had gifted her. Millie counted, looking up at what was left of me, whispering, $20,000?”

Standing up, Millie walked over to my resting body and embraced me. Thanking me for everything, I heard one final whisper, “I got in. I got into university.”

Nurses swarmed in, pulling me away on my rolling bed. This was it. The end of the road for me. But as for Millie, this was just the beginning of a new quest for her to embark on. She made me proud.