Love is the New Pink

Part One

Everyone wants to be loved. From the moment we are cognizant of our world we begin our lifelong search for affection. We long for playmates, best friends and someday a life partner. We are born with a giant-sized void needing to be filled. We long for a strong arm of comfort, a lap to rest in and a shoulder to cry on. We look to friend groups to create a fun and warm environment where we feel accepted and important. We are the lost puzzle piece looking for a place to fit and the security of belonging. It’s blissful being a part of the whole picture. The feeling of being needed and wanted warms our spirit.

One of the cruelest acts a person can do is purposely make someone feel unwanted. Has that ever happened to you? You long to be a part of a group but are shunned and left outside of the loop. A friend messages you about a party they were invited to and casually mentions everyone that was in attendance. Your heart accelerates in panic and your stomach drops as you wonder why you weren’t invited. You scroll through social media and watch stories of people who seemingly are living the dream, surrounded by cool friends, and making memories. Suddenly you feel unlovely, insignificant, and alone.

School, work, extracurricular activities and yes, even churches can be cold, cruel places. We see the seemingly popular group huddled together laughing and drawing attention to themselves. We long to be a part of something rather than being alone. You perform a single act of bravery by smiling at someone and they do not return the emotion. Instead, they turn back to their friend group and leave you feeling rejected. For some reason, society has labeled the person quietly sitting alone as weird. Suddenly you begin to feel awkward and unlovely. Your mind begins a list of self-deprecating thoughts and the more you dwell on them, those harsh criticisms become your reality. You were your only friend and now, because of other people’s wrong perception, you have turned on yourself. You become angry at who you are and reprimand yourself for not being good enough. Sometimes your thoughts get dark.

I’m going to let you in on a secret. Social acceptance is like playing musical chairs. Everyone is out for themselves, grabbing a seat to stay in the game. Do not take it personally when you feel alienated. The person who did not return your smile lives in fear of being left out. For some miraculous reason they grabbed a chair and found their spot in the group. Still, there is no comfort in that place. The music will play again, and they live in paranoia that when it stops there will no longer be a place for them. Returning your smile is a distraction they cannot afford. In honesty, it’s not about you, it’s about them. They actually fear you. What if their group likes you better? What if you're funnier, cooler, prettier? They have given up a lot to belong. They changed their personality, their fashion sense, their taste in music, their likes, and dislikes just to fit in. The group has become their identity, and they are slowly losing who they truly are. So, in a sense, they belong, but are lost.

Maybe this scenario is you. Maybe you are the one who found a seat but are living in fear of losing your place. You are smart enough to realize that the group is not actually bringing you joy. You have given up a lot to fit in and in some cases participated in things that make you feel uncomfortable. So, in a sense, you have traded your individuality, your, to thine own self be true, for acceptance. You appear happy on the outside to any drooling loner who wants to be a part. Little does everyone know you are still lost and lonely. It’s called peer pressure and it causes extreme anxiety and depression.

Have you identified with any of these scenarios? Which place do you find yourself? Are you the loner watching life happen and longing to be included? Or are you the one who grabbed a chair and paid for it with your identity?

Be honest with yourself, it is the first step to discovering true love and having a life-changing experience.

The music has started up again. Everyone is pacing, keeping a watch on the chairs, and looking out for themselves, ready to grab a seat when the music stops. Don’t get caught up in the contest. Instead of grabbing a temporary seat, learn how to overcome this insidious game.