Lonesome on the Peak

Over the past decade or so I have been struggling to sustain my own happiness. I found myself in the happiest spot of my life around sophomore year of high school. I had finally shed the fat I carried with me my entire life so far, I was surrounded by an incredible and supportive group of friends and my confidence was building to new heights. Unfortunately, as we all know, adolescence can be an emotional time and hints of depression and anxiety would creep up and consume me for days or weeks at a time. With the support systems I had in place at the time though I was able to fight through it and still look upon my future with youthful optimism.

Once college hit, however, I found myself overwhelmed with expectation and comparison to others. I found myself going dizzy with uncertainty and anxiety and soon enough my depression was back in full swing. I was experiencing a debilitating quarter-life crisis and had completely lost my way. Therapy and medication were tremendously helpful in keeping me afloat but I also found myself resorting to marijuana (among other drugs) as my primary source of comfort. As I felt completely worthless and unable to accomplish anything of significance, I lost myself in a fog of smoke. My days of inaction turned into weeks and soon enough I found myself victim to the paradox of the self-fulfilled prophecy.

After working tirelessly through one of the most academically challenging high schools in the country, obtaining my bachelor’s degree in four years, toiling away at no less than six separate internships at incredibly generous companies in both Philadelphia and Los Angeles in a very competitive field, and balancing a paying job as a theater usher the entire time, I felt completely burnt out. I spent year after year working myself to exhaustion and, disappointed with no immediate results to boast about, I resigned to allowing myself a weed-induced sabbatical in my early 20s. Though I would at times find myself upset, and perhaps a bit disappointed, in how stationary my life had become, I do not regret how I spent these years. Let me repeat that for anyone who believes the only way of life is an endless working grind without any emotional, mental, or spiritual fulfillment: I was well-aware of my unaccomplished, stagnant state and I absolutely do NOT regret it. I felt a break was very much needed and well-earned so a break is what I took.

As I approached 25 though, I became weary, and admittedly a bit ashamed, of this directionless, unfulfilling life I had been living. At a quarter-century old I was beginning to face yet another existential crisis and decided this was an age at which I ought to be analyzing my values, what I want out of life, and what excruciatingly basic yet necessary steps must be taken to meet these goals. I have chosen a life of stagnation for a few years with the youthfully optimistic outlook that I could break free from it at any point, rejoin society, and continue down whatever path I may choose. Of course, come 2020, I, with the rest of the world, was forced into lockdown and isolation. Stagnation was thrust upon me without my consent and I quickly began to feel trapped by my routine rather than freed by it. Without going into much more unnecessary detail, 2020 was for me, as it was for many, an eye-opening, introspective year that left me feeling emotionally drained. Come 2021, I was eager to transform myself and begin pursuing my goals.

I took my very first step by joining a gym and assigning myself a very specific goal: bulk up. The confidence accrued from this hard work provided me the support I needed to fulfill another life goal of mine: perform stand-up. Having accomplished this before the age of 25, I felt a great surge of pride and have had a string of successes follow. I found a high-paying job with a very reputable institution. I am actively diminishing my reliance on antidepressants and am focusing on building my self pride in an attempt to more naturally curb my depression. I now find myself to be in the best physical, mental, and emotional state of my life. And yet...I have been struggling to find meaningful personal connections during this time.

Your 20s is an incredibly busy time in one’s life so I currently find several of my friends are working or travelling or wildly excelling in their respective fields. I am of course overjoyed with their accomplishments but am finding myself moving at a snail’s pace. Though I have been making new acquaintances as I branch out further into the world of comedy, I admit that I am unfortunately rather skilled at burning bridges and have found most of the strong professional connections I had made throughout college have since fizzled away. Again, I own up to this and recognize that focusing on my failures in the past will only leave the future looking bleak and lonely.

I have been training myself to not let such loneliness tear me down and for the most part I am winning this battle. I allow myself to feel sad when I need to and perhaps find comfort in a bottle of whiskey or an excessive amount of weed from time to time. Nevertheless, I employ introspection and mindfulness to ensure these episodes are brief and fleeting. I have spent too much time depressed and corrupted by drugs and alcohol. Been there, done that. I am searching for something greater now. I am searching for fulfillment.

At the end of the day, I do wish I were able to share these feelings and accomplishments with someone. I am making strides with new friends and connections from the Philly comedy scene but it is a rather tight-knit community that will require a lot of dedication and time. I’m sure I am walking a path that will provide me with the necessary confidence and life skills needed to find friends and lifelong connections. At the moment, I find myself atop this mountain of accomplishment on my own. And while I’m proud to have found myself atop the peak, it can be lonesome up here.