Lincoln, NE

I have a bad habit. I keep doing this thing over and over and over again even though I know it will hurt me. You see, I tend to fall for romantically unavailable people whom I am also best friends with and thus am forced to be around and can never get over. The first time I thought I might be queer was in eighth grade when I developed a crush on one of my best friends. She was more popular than me and prettier than me, and even though we were best friends, I perceived her as out of my league and never told her. I then proceeded to block out the whole bi thing and forget it existed for fourteen more years because this was Alabama, and that’s what we do there. But that’s not the point of this story. The point of the story is that I keep chasing people who don’t want me.

So, let’s go back to 2007. I am 16-years-old, emo AF, and I have never been kissed. I’ve never been pursued. No one has ever been romantically interested in me. My best friend is a boy named David. He is on the football team, but he’s like third string on the football team, so definitely achievable. We go to dinner and a movie every Friday night. We see 300, The Dark Knight, John Tucker Must Die; you know, the hits. I have a big, fat crush on David.

He tells me about his parents’ divorce and moving to Alabama from Nebraska with his dad even though he’s closer with his mom. He tells me about the pain of having a stepmom who seems to hate him. He talks about how he loves art but has to hide it from his dad who doesn’t see it as masculine. He’s sharing his feelings with me, and I think this is a good sign. Finally, one night I work up the courage to tell him I like-like him. I talk to all my girl friends, and they fill me with confidence, and I call him.

“I have a crush on you.”

Silence.

He sighs.

“I really like hanging out with you, but I don’t really see you that way.”

“Oh, okay. No big deal. See you tomorrow.”

Ask me if I stopped hanging out with him all the time. Ask me if I stopped sitting with him at lunch. Ask me if I stopped going on movie not-dates with him every weekend. Of course not! Because I love to torture myself!

But actually, I thought I could change his mind. If I just kept being there, kept lightly flirting, kept being available and fun, he would realize what he was missing.

That summer, he invites me to go to Nebraska with him for a week. His mom calls my mom, plans are made, and I think this is a good sign. I’m going to meet his beloved mother. I’m going to meet his real friends. I’m going to get a tour of his hometown and all his favorite places. I start to convince myself that this is a test. If I can win over the Nebraskans, I have this in the bag. He’s taking me up there to get his mom’s approval. He just needs to know that I can fit in at his real home.

On the first day things go great! His mom loves me. He shows me The University of Nebraska, the school he longs to attend. I buy a Cornhuskers t-shirt! I’m excited and enthralled with Lincoln, Nebraska. I think maybe I should come here for college. You know, when David and I are dating. We’ll be in love and happy here in the entertainment capital of the world! We’ll have all the corn two people could want! Everyone will want to visit us!

That night, we’re going to meet his friends for dinner at his favorite restaurant. I’m nervous. I change clothes a few times, but I’m not much for fashion or other “girly” things, and also it’s 2008, so my options are limited.

So, we’re in the car on the way to dinner, and he’s telling me about who I’ll meet. There’s Ally, his best Nebraska friend. There’s Samantha, a cheerleader from his old school. And there’s Madison. “Most of my friends are girls,” he laughs before mentioning some guy named Scott who I remember nothing about. He pauses. “You’ll have to let me know what you think of Madison. I really like her.”

My heart sinks. Does that mean what I think it means? “She’s really hot,” he informs me, then adds, “You’ll have to help me convince my dad that Midwestern girls are just as cute as Southern girls.” I think my disappointment must be so strong that my brain can’t process words anymore because that’s just such a weird thing to say.

Of course, now I don’t like Madison before we ever even meet, as though his crush is her fault. But then she spends the whole time talking about her new ringtone, which is “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry, a song I’ve never heard. She says over and over again how she hated it at first, but she loves it now, AND I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK; hating her is totally justified.

The rest of the trip takes a nosedive from there. His stepbrother whom he loves comes to town, and I can’t find my footing as second-best friend. They want to go see The Strangers on a group date with Ally, Madison, and Scott, whoever he is. I do not want to go because 1) duh and 2) I hate scary movies. In the process of trying to convince me to go, we’re sent to pick up dinner from a local fast food place called Runza. I sit in the backseat because the stepbrother gets to ride shotgun, and I’m becoming overwhelmed with the disappointment and the feeling like an outsider and the peer pressure to go see this goddamn movie. He asks what I want, and I tell him chicken fingers sound good. “You can’t get chicken fingers at Runza,” he says as if I should have somehow known that. I snap.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT RUNZA IS,” I yell through sudden, hot tears. Everyone is tense. He orders for me, we go home, and they go to the movie. I decide to stay home with his mom and watch 27 Dresses. She and I bond, and we talk about my obvious crush on David. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember finding it comforting. I achieved my goal of winning his mom’s approval, but I guess that’s not what makes someone fall in love with you. It turns out that you should never have to convince someone to be with you, and there is no test you can pass to make someone realize you're the right choice.

Mine and David’s relationship never recovered, and our friendship faded apart over the next year. Eventually, he left to go to Nebraska for college, and I stayed in Alabama. And even though things didn’t work out with David, at least I’ll always be friends with his mom on Facebook.