Lily in White

When Elisabeth found a check for twenty thousand dollars among her mail, she was devastated. Though she had no clue of its origins, the money wrought whispers of promises that she had tried to forget, and now the paper seemed to mock her. It was just like Kai to ignore her wishes. That fool had it in his head that the responsibilities of her well-being fell upon him when they both knew it was she who provided in their relationship. At least, she did once. Kai had just managed to one-up her with a slip of paper that carried far too many zeros than Elisabeth cared to count. If he were here, Elisabeth would have yelled herself hoarse. Instead, she had to address his notebook—a journal bound by well-loved black leather.

“Thought you could be clever?” she snapped at it, waving the check.

The notebook didn’t reply. It mocked her silently in its place on the kitchen table where it had sat since Kai first placed it there over a week ago. A part of her yearned to peek inside, but Elisabeth resolutely shoved it down. She didn’t have time for this. The dress bag slung over the kitchen chair nagged her that she would soon be late. With a sigh, Elisabeth grabbed it. Inanimate objects had gained quite a personality in Kai’s absence. And if their nagging and mocking sounded like her fiancé, then Elisabeth would thankfully be the only one to know.

Elisabeth changed quickly. She had never been one for sentiment, and that certainly wasn’t changing now. As she tugged the zipper of her dress, she glanced at the time. The church was only ten minutes away, but Elisabeth had delayed leaving for as long as she could. Of course, she was technically supposed to arrive early, but Elisabeth was certain her and Kai’s family would understand.

Once Elisabeth had finally squeezed into the dress, which was now the only one she owned, she scooped up her keys. As much as she wanted to delay her arrival, if Elisabeth sat alone in her apartment any longer, she was going to lose her mind. It wasn’t until she was half-way out the door did Elisabeth turn back and promptly plucked the notebook from the kitchen table. She supposed it was only right to bring it. After all, it was one of Kai’s most prized possessions. Elisabeth sneered at it, before tucking it under her arm. As for the check, she allowed her eyes to slide over it, more than happy to allow the twenty grand to remain only a promise of funds, never to be cashed. That’ll show him.

A grey morning greeted Elisabeth outside, and a cool breeze fluttered across dew-spotted grass, wrapping around her bare arms. She shivered. Why their family had scheduled the ceremony so early was beyond her. By the time she pulled into the line of cars which spilled over from the church’s small parking lot, a hint of sun had appeared. The light highlighted the stone church which loomed above her and suddenly, Elisabeth’ stomach was in knots.

“No. C’mon. You got this,” Elisabeth told herself furiously. Kai wanted this. If it had been up to her, she wouldn’t have bothered wasting the money on all this pomp and circumstance. Not that she wasn’t short of funds to waste, a small part of her reminded. No. She didn’t need—she didn’t want that check.

Clenching her jaw, Elisabeth exited her car, Kai’s notebook in hand. The second she saw Kai, she’d give him a piece of her mind. However, Elisabeth soon found that finding her fiancé would be much more difficult than she realized. The moment she pushed open the heavy church doors, she was accosted by friends and family. Most of them were polite, but there were more than a few who made scathing remarks about her tardiness. Who had invited all these people? Elisabeth was certain she knew a total of a dozen people, and only several of whom she was friendly with. In that case, most of the crowd was Kai’s side. How he had found the time to befriend what seemed to be half the city, she’d never know.

“Lily!”

Elisabeth turned. Even if she hadn’t recognized her girlish squeals, her mother was the only one who called her Lily. Well, her and Kai.

“Where have you been?” her mother hissed in the privacy of their embrace.

“Not now,” Elisabeth said, pulling away. “Where’s Kai?”

“Already in the sanctuary,” she said. “You might have seen him had you been here earlier.”

“Somehow, I can’t bring myself to dredge up the regret.”

Her mother seemed about to snap back when her eyes flicked to Elisabeth’s hands, and her gaze softened. “You have his notebook.”

“Yeah, I figured I’d bring it. After all, it captured his attention much more often than I did.”

“Lily, don’t be absurd,” her mother said, shooting her a derisive look.

“And yet, our last conversation was about how important this accursed notebook is,” she snapped. Suddenly, she was regretting bringing the thing at all.

“Have you read it?”

Elisabeth shook her head. “Of course not. I’m not a scientist. I doubt I’d understand half of what he wrote about his research.”

“Perhaps, dear, you should have faith in your fiancé. There’s still some time before the ceremony,” her mother said.

She gave her a loaded look before swiftly turning on her heel. Always the perfect host, Elisabeth noted, watching her make small talk. Elisabeth turned her gaze to the journal that seemed to burn her hands. After months of watching Kai scribble in it, waving her away every time she tried to peek over his shoulder, it was difficult to damper her disdain. Although, as infuriating as her mother was, she was also not often wrong.

With a groan, Elisabeth navigated through the crowd for an empty room. After trying several doors, she finally settled into a small room overflowing with white lilies. Their perfume was strong, but somebody had cracked open a window, allowing the morning draft to ensure the flowers weren’t overwhelming. She sat herself in a leather armchair and wrapped herself in the soft blanket that had been flung across its back.

“Look at me, Kai,” she whispered, glaring at the journal. “I’m going through your notebook, and you’re not even here to stop me.”

A small part of her wanted to glance at the door, begging for the universe to prove her wrong, but she pushed it away. Pressing her lips together, she opened the book. Her heart stopped. Seeing Kai’s messy, looping scrawl was enough to make her want to toss the notebook in a fire and never think of it again. Ghosts of his touch haunted the black ink and she longed to exorcise them, if only to once more feel his touch on her skin. Instead, Elisabeth forced herself to read.

It was clear, by the first page, that her mother was once again right. There, in Kai’s handwriting, was: “To my Lily”. She took a shuddering breath and with a trembling hand, turned the page. At first, Kai rambled about his illness and his plans. He narrated their everyday lives, making small comments like how he loved how ridiculous her hair looked in the morning or how he was able to interpret every raised eyebrow as an “I love you”. She snorted at that.

Page after page, Kai told her how he loved her. He told her of the money he had squirreled away as a result of his research sponsorship and salary, money that he had been saving for their children, but was now all for her. Twenty thousand dollars because Kai had promised he’d always support her, whether Elisabeth wanted him to or not. He even demanded she not use the money for his hospital bills, followed by several exclamation points and an explanation that they had been taken care of.

“Use it to be happy,” he wrote. “And if you don’t, I’ll haunt you. Just make sure to hide it from any new man you date so you don’t become a sugar momma.”

At this, Elisabeth laughed out loud.

Soon—too soon—knocking interrupted her reading, and Elisabeth scrubbed away tears she hadn’t realized were there.

“Yes?” she called, hating how her voice shook.

Her mother opened the door. “You ready?”

Elisabeth doubted she would ever be ready, but stood nonetheless. She cradled the notebook to her chest as they entered the sanctuary. They sat together on the wooden pews, only a few paces from the white casket lofted upon the decorated stand. White lilies spilled around a large picture of Kai, which the priest carefully navigated around as he spoke. But Elisabeth didn’t listen. His drones were drowned out by the echoes of Kai’s words. Elisabeth stared at Kai’s frozen smile, trying to imagine all the conversations they would never have.

When the sermon finally ended, they shuffled outside. The grey morning had shifted to a brilliant blue, and the sun was now out in full. She listened to the warbling eulogies. She delivered her rehearsed words emptily. She watched as Kai was lowered into the ground, clutching the journal to keep from flinging herself after him. And when Elisabeth finally untangled herself from her family and fell into her car, her only thoughts were of Kai’s words on the final page of the journal.

“Our wedding is tomorrow. Are you excited? Nervous? You told me this morning that I’m stupid for asking. I suppose I am. After all, I’m far from nervous. My only thoughts are of seeing my beautiful Lily in white.”