LGBTQ+

Why does it matter how a person grows up? How they were treated or looked upon? I believe that one’s natural surroundings from birth dictate how they will treat others and how they act in later years. This is a story of me and how I knew that I was bi-sexual.

I was born in 1981 in a small town in central Oregon. It had a stop sign in the middle of town and that was it, if you blinked you really did miss it. The school was an all-in-one K-12 building, unlike those of today where an elementary school can be two to three buildings. Getting sidetracked. My mother has been disabled my entire life and because of this she was not able to round us up like most parents, so we did as we pleased. (by we I mean me and my siblings) My father was in and out of my life, most of it spent behind bars in prison, I will not get into why as that is another bag of worms. My grandparents on my mothers’ side were my rock and the reason I am who I am today. Without my grandparents I believe I would either be in jail or dead. Again, getting sidetracked. My family grew up Mormon, started with my grandparents, then my mom and of course we all started that way. By the time I was 15 I denounced the religion and went my own course. I will not talk religion or politics now as again that is another bag of worms.

Growing up in a small town does not give you much diversity. I did not see my first black person until I was close to 20 years old. I did not really know about other cultures or races either; I did not pay attention in school. I did not know about lesbians, gays, bi-sexual, transgender or queers either. To think that there was so much diversity in the world, and I knew nothing about it astonished me. When I was 15 my mother decided to move us to north west Arkansas. I met the guy who would take my virginity (name unknown) and my ex-husband. I was married at 17, a mother at 19 and divorced by 20. At 20 I had 2 men under my belt, then my need to feel loved came and my sexuality bloomed like a flower.

There is beauty in knowing that I was out on the prowl in finding myself sexually. I was sexualized as a child and I believe this amped up my wanting to be touched, loved, belonged. In the span of 19 years I have had sex with many men and a couple of women. After my first child I found black men, and they made me feel like I was wanted even if only sexually, this is what I thought I wanted in my 20s to early 30s. I have done things sexually that most people would find horrifying or maybe envious. I will never apologize for how I am. My first time with a woman was in a threesome, I have never really thought that going down on a woman was disgusting or something I should not do. I love to please and this was a chance to please someone like myself. I knew how to please myself and knew what to do. I am exceptionally good orally for both men and women and have never heard different. I hope to be able to please more women and men. I have only found around five men from the several I have been with that have really pleased me and knew what to do with me sexually.

I now know who I am sexually and am proud to think myself bi-sexual. I feel a kindred spirit with those that feel outcast because they know who they are inside and out. My family does not really know about my sexual orientation, but they would not be surprised or offended. I am the outcast of the family since I am the only one who has gone “outside” of the race. I have two beautiful interracial children. I am who I am, and I will love women as well as men. Never feel that you are different than anyone else. Love yourself and others will love you, if they don’t, they don’t need to be around you to steal your light.