Letters

Drinking my coffee, smoking a cigarette, those are my dear and true friends, you know what is so funny to me and sad, the worse thing or feeling in the world that you don’t even know if you will find a person who deeply understands you! I feel like I came from Mars, feel like nobody, and almost no one hears what I’m saying or talking about...

I was walking by the lake! I looked at people, couples, families, and friends! And asked myself why am I feeling so lonely? What is that these people have but I don’t have? Why am I feeling off almost all the time? I could have given a lot of things to able be free again, I thought it could be done when I left my town, but the same feeling is happening again, being stacked in my own darkness, feeling nothing but emptiness, it is happening again. Nowadays I realize how much I depended on YOU, my dear love, friend, and family! My whole! I did not know how much I depended on her! I’m not even talking about love! Love is a big word, and I don’t even know if I felt that before! Was I too selfish? I’m not talking about that kind of love! Having sex all the time and calling her anytime I want to! It is so much more! It is bigger than me and the world! It’s not about being with her all the time! It’s not about hearing her voice or sleeping with her! It is so much more! I cannot even explain in my words, I cannot even find a sentence to explain that kind of love! It is pureness, it is speaking to each other without words, it is looking at each other’s eyes and feeling each other’s souls, pain, loneliness, and darkness, showing her the dark side of me! Seeing the dark side of her! Without any judgment, without questioning, touching each other gently! Slowly, it takes time to kiss her! It takes time to hold her and put her head on my chest! Smelling her deeply! There is no perfume that could bring her scent! Sweating with her! watching her feet, her body! Being naked with her, being completely vulnerable! It’s not about calling her selfishly; it’s not about seeing her every time I want! We did not have that kind of love! It was not even in our words, it was in our voice, it was in our blood, heart! It was watching the sky for hours and hours without having any conversation! It was sitting with her silently for hours and hours! It was not in only our eyes, but the whole body! Feet, arms, chests, and sex was our sacred mountain we did not want to talk much! I remember she was telling me “When I’m being with you! Sleeping with you I become complete with your body! I love to embody you! It’s almost like you become an instrument and I love to play you gently! You are my piano, you are my guitar, you are my writing, you are my pen, and notebook, you are my journal, you are my sky, star, sun, wind!!! I know what we gave each other! I know it will be hard! I know it will destroy both of us! I know we will never be able to find anything like it! I know we are burning ourselves with our passionate love! I know we’ll become the victim of our own passion! But I cannot stop! We cannot stop! We’ll worry later my love! We’ll worry later!

...