Letters I'll Never Send: Part 5

Hey,

I don't know where to start or what to do right now. It's been a while since I wrote you a letter, and you would think that would be a good thing, but it's just a coincidence. I haven't had time, and I haven't been able to organize my thoughts.

I have never felt more at a loss to be honest, and, it's because of you.

The past few weeks, all we've been talking about is your relationship, and specifically, the problems with it. With everything that's going on, you've just been expressing a lot of issues, a lot of confusion, a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of pain. You've been in pain, man, and it kills me. I've heard you cry multiple times over the phone, spent all-nighters with you because you couldn't sleep from thinking too much, and all our conversations are difficult and about how you're hurting.

Honestly, I hate it. Given the circumstances of your life right now, you should be excited. You should be beyond happy, smooth sailing, filled with relief, etc. Instead, you've been in pain. And, I've been trying so hard to comfort you and be there for you. I've been trying to at least let you know that you aren't alone or by yourself. I want you to be happy right now, and I'm trying so hard to get you there.

But honestly, the most stressful part has been managing my own feelings in the process. I know that's a selfish thing to say; you're the one hurting in your relationship, and I shouldn't be thinking about how difficult things are for me. But, it is. It really really is and if I can't be honest here, then where the hell can I be?

It has already been so difficult hearing you talk about your relationship at all. Any time you mention _____, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it sucks. It hurts actually. When I look at pictures of you and her, I actually cry sometimes. It sounds dramatic, but something about it makes me cry. I get this pain in my chest because I know that as much as I love you, you'll never know.

What's even more difficult than hearing the good things though, is hearing the bad things. You've told me all about your relationship problems before and complained endlessly about her, but it never used to bother me. My head was clearer then and I could help. I can't now, though, and it sucks.

You have no idea how much it hurts to hear you hurt. You have no idea how it tears me up inside to hear your voice break over the phone because you're crying, or to see you in person and notice the bags under your eyes from spending the night overthinking instead of sleeping. I hate seeing you in pain, and I really hate not being able to help.

The reason I can't help as much is because of me. My feelings are in the way. I am so terrified to give you advice right now when it comes to your relationship problems, because I know how I feel and I think my ability to advise is impaired. I am terrified to say the wrong thing or let my affections for you bleed into my words. Especially when you're in pain and I sit there thinking "I wish I could treat you better than this." It is the stupidest thought, but I do think it. I hear about the things that are going on and I know for a fact that I wouldn't do what she's doing. I wouldn't say the things she's saying, I wouldn't talk to you the way she does, I wouldn't expect so much of you when I know you're already trying your best. It is just so hard to listen to you talk about her right now and not be bitter about things.

You deserve the world. You really really do. And I understand that relationships aren't perfect. I understand that there are going to be problems. But the ones you're going through right now are so imbalanced. And according to you, they've been going on for your entire relationship. You deserve better treatment. I can't say you deserve a better person. That's too much. But you deserve better treatment, and as selfish as it is to think, I wish I could be the one to give you that. I wish I could stop you from hurting right now and just make you feel as loved and as cared for as you make her feel. I wish I could show you how much I love you and in what way I really love you. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish in my head, but I can't stop thinking about it.

So I don't know what to do right now. I know I want you to stop hurting. I know I want you to be at peace. I know I want you and can't have you.